Everyone has their heart broken at some point. Lots of people have been jilted in love. And lots of people find the courage and the strength to move on. They deal with the pain, the jealousy, the absolute heart break. And they live through it. Every day. This is going to be me, too.
I woke up early this morning with a painful constriction in my chest, just one more physical sign of emotional distress. No, that's not the term for it- it's so much more than that. And it has been for a long, long time now. But I woke up, praying with all my might that my loving Father in heaven could pick me up again after my fall. That my powerful God could make me right again. I asked Him to take all the broken, shattered, aching, distrusting, rejected, tiny shreds of my heart and make them whole again. I'd like to say it was instantaneous, that my life was better in that second. It wasn't. It won't be. But I can start to see a tiny light at the end of this long, long, dark tunnel and that light is hope. Hope that I can trust again, hope that I can heal, that I can be new again, that the pain won't stay overwhelming forever. That the memories won't hold heartache and bitterness and rejection and loss and pain, but that I can look back on these past few years of my life as a time of love and growth. They really did help make me into who I am today. Definitely not perfect, but worthy of love. Real, unconditional, heart-pounding, make-it-through-the-hard-stuff-even-though-it's hard type love. And it's out there. Out there at the end of this tunnel.
I stole my heart from God and gave it away far too early, but I can give it back. He'll take it. All the shattered pieces of it. He came for the sick, you know. The downtrodden. The broken. That's me. It might be you, too. I know I have a privileged life, and I know this experience isn't an isolated one. Lots of people go through it. And lots of people get through it. That's going to be me, too.
I wish I could say it's going to happen overnight. Oh, how I wish that! The constriction in my chest, that searing hot knife through the center of me- it's still there. But I know it won't be there forever.
Today is my birthday. I'm being constantly reminded that there are people in my life who love me. Maybe not in the romantic way I hope for, but in the unconditional, overwhelming, generous, enthusiastic, love-me-just-for-being-me way. I think it's about time I stop throwing a pity party for my heart, and start throwing myself into loving other people. I've spent too much time already being consumed by my own pain, and missing out on the pain other people feel. On their joys and triumphs, too. I think part of my healing will come from throwing myself into lives that aren't my own. If I stay too involved in my own, the pain and memories will just continue to drown me. There are other things in this world than me and my life and my pain and my hurt. People need to be loved. And if I can't receive love, I sure can give it.
God is so good.
No comments:
Post a Comment