A Bad Habit...

I have this terrible bad habit of comparing myself to others. And not in a superior, condescending, I-can't-believe-she-thinks-we're-in-the-same-league kind of way, but in a sad, self-esteem-less, I-remember-when-I-was-something-special-and-I-think-I'm-not-anymore-but-look-how-cool-you-still-are-and-what-cool-things-you're-still-doing kind of way.

Which is sad.

And I know it's a bad habit. I know it's ridiculous. And I know better than to sit at my computer and look up old friends via facebook.

Yet...every once in awhile.... once upon a blue moon, if you will... and sometimes twice upon a blue moon... I find myself staring at an old friend who stuck with competition martial arts, or theatre, or dance, or sign language... and is OVER THE MOON successful at whatever it might be they are doing.

I have no right to compare myself. I know I've led an incredibly blessed and successful life thus far, full of accomplishment and adventure.  But I feel like perhaps I started out of the gate too fast, and I can't quite keep up with the pace I set. I feel as though all my major accomplishments are behind me, and what else lies before?

I'm well aware that I should not place my value in what I DO, but rather who I AM. I often get caught up in the doings of life and miss out on just simply being.  But it really is a challenge for me to find self-worth in who I am rather than what job I'm working, or what hobby I'm doing, or which show I was just cast in, or what medal I won in the most recent national or international karate tournament. And I find myself wishing my life were something more, something different than it is. That I hadn't retired from competition, or that I had moved to a big city and pursued the stage right out of college, rather than move to a tiny town, get engaged, get un-engaged, and sit still for 5 years. So many people I went to school with, or trained with, or grew up with have big-girl and big-boy jobs now, or they are out living a dream, or running around on adventure after adventure.  And I'm still in the same town I moved to for college a hundred years ago.

I think it's time for a change. I'm ready to go on my next adventure.  I've stayed still for far too long, and I know the next step is elsewhere. 

I have to stop looking up old friends. If I don't, I certainly have to stop feeling sorry for myself- that I'm not doing whatever it is they are doing. I have to start feeling excited that they are on their own adventure, and set my sights on my own next step.

So here I go! Whatever it is, wherever it may lead, I'm ready! Let that door explode! Let the floodgates open! Here I am, Lord, send me!