I've been thinking for several weeks now about what my New Years Resolutions might be. I know it's a bit early, but when I leave things to the last minute I get cranky. Further, the holiday season is a busy time, and who has extra time to debate resolutions when there are Christmas presents to make, food to bake, a house to clean, and caroling to do?
So as I've been thinking, praying, and debating changes I can make to my life beginning in the new year, a thought struck me: do my New Years Resolutions ever stick? Do I even remember my resolutions after, say, March? What's the point, and what can I do instead? (since we can't possibly think about starting a new year without changing something in our lives).
2012 is going to be a NEW year for me. I've been thinking about all the things I do, and all the people I've been blessed to know, and all the things on my bucket list that I haven't even begun to work toward. What if, in lieu of a "new years resolution," I made a year-long commitment to create healthy habits? I'll learn a lot about sacrifice, I'll learn a lot about self-discipline and what fasting and cleansing are all about. Here's my plan: for one entire month I will spend time doing one thing I've never done before. Every month it will change to something new. Each thing will require discipline and sacrifice, but will be positive, healthy, and beneficial. For an ENTIRE YEAR.
I've learned a lot about myself in the last 26 years. I am a sprinter for sure, definitely not a marathon-er. It's really easy (and habit) for me to get excited about something, come racing out of the gate at full speed, be incredibly passionate about whatever it is....and then just as quickly lose interest, inspiration, motivation, and energy, and I'm done. What kind of life is that? When I get married one day, it's going to be a marathon, not a sprint. When I have kids one day, what kind of habits will I teach them to make, if I can't follow through with my own goals, rules, or interests? This is the year I teach myself to run the race with perseverance.
I have created a list of things I can do each month. I've decided not to plan ahead (this activity this month, that activity the next, and so on). As each month comes to a close, I'll pray and meditate over which should come next, knowing that as the year progresses, my heart and my needs will be in different places. Here's my working list:
1. No tv/movies at all. How much time do I waste sitting in front of a tv? Really, do I even know? How much better can that time be spent investing in people, building relationships, doing something productive like working out or crafting or learning a new skill, reading a book, or spending time in God's Word? My one exception to this will be if a group of people are going to see a movie and invite me along- then it will be viewed as a social event, a chance to invest in those relationships. But I can't create an event like this.
2. No fast food, no take out. None. At all. I spend so much money eating food from drive-thrus. How much would I save (both in money and in health) if I spent a few extra minutes a day preparing food for myself? This will also force me to continue learning to cook (another very valuable skill). My one exception will be coffee. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Also, sit-down restaurants don't count. Unless those sit-down restaurants include a drive-thru. Then- NO.
3. Read for 30 minutes a day. I haven't decided if that is going to be restricted only to nonfiction and, in particular, books that will teach something (i.e. a textbook, self-help book, or a history book), or if it will also be open to inspirational and fiction books. No exceptions here.
4. Learn new knitting skills, including spending the time and energy to knit a sweater (finally! It's been on my bucket list for SO LONG).
5. Wake up one hour earlier than I normally do to dedicate a specific time to working out. I really have a problem starting new workout programs, hitting it hard for a week or two, and then peacing out. This will be a really good one for me. The exception will be on Sundays (since that is as close to a Sabbath as I get), or days when I work a double or triple at work...then I feel I deserve a break. :)
6. Meditate 10 minutes every day. I'm not sure if this will be one that takes up an entire month, or if it will just be incorporated into my time, in general.
7. Drink ONLY water for a month. No milk, no juice, no wine, no soda, no coffee (I know, right?!). Further, I will drink a full 64 ounces a day, just like the food pyramid tells you to do. No exception here, unless you count milk in cereal or oatmeal an exception. Which I don't, because I won't technically be drinking it.
8. Write a letter of encouragement to someone different, every day, and SNAIL MAIL it. Boom. I'm excited for this one!
9. No computer after 8 or 9 at night. I haven't fully thought this out, since I work at night as well. But I figure I spend too much time on facebook and twitter, and sometimes even here. And since Ravelry and Pinterest are becoming huge distractions as well, I really think I need a cleanse from media.
10. Before I purchase anything I'll take a full 5 minutes to really think about it, and decide if it's something I need or just simply want. This includes movies, groceries, even something like gum. If I decide it's not worth buying, whatever money I would have spent on the purchase goes directly and immediately into savings. At the end of the month I will have saved, I'm sure, a great deal, and I will be made QUITE aware of how much money I needlessly waste every month. Hopefully this will become a habit I carry on for life.
11. Don't give in to any cravings. I plan to do this by giving myself a full 20 minutes to decide for myself if it's really a craving (like Zeppoli- no one needs Zeppoli) or if it's something my body needs (like milk or meat). This is going to be a tough one. Necessary, but tough.
12. Arrive a full 10 minutes early to absolutely everything. I come from a habitually late family, which makes me habitually late. No better time than the present to break bad habits.
13. Spend 30 minutes a day learning new ASL skills. Or learning a new language. I want to be trilingual- what better time than now to get started?
14. Buy nothing personal- nothing for myself. No movies, no books, no clothes- nothing. Even if it hurts because I feel I need it. This will be a great reminder of how much stuff I have, and how much stuff I don't need. This could potentially pair up with taking 5 minutes before I purchase anything, to make sure it IS something I need.
15. Say absolutely nothing negative about myself, someone or something else. Instead, when I feel the desire to say something negative or complain-y (even in jest) I have to replace that thought with something positive and encouraging. No exception at all. I am particularly excited about this idea. Called into Girls/Women's Ministry, everything I say comes under scrutiny and is heard by the people around me. Little things I think don't matter, or aren't important, can really affect people, especially women. When I'm around my small group or my youth group girls, and I say something negative about my body or the way I look, even if I'm having a bad day or really feel like it's true, can really make an impression upon those women. I need to be filling their hearts and minds with confidence, encouragement, and grace. They need to know that even if you have crooked teeth, a big nose, or a few extra pounds around the middle, you can still be beautiful, graceful, confident, and assured of your place in the world. And I need to know that, too.
This is just a list in progress, it can change, I can add to it or subtract from it. But it's a start.
I realize that, in doing something consistently for a month, I will severely limit what I can do, but I figure this will teach me the invaluable skill of saying no. Which is very much a skill I know nothing about. There will, of course, be an exception to the rules, but when that comes up, I'll learn the value of what is truly important, and what is simply not necessary. I'll learn to discern between the two. Also, it takes 28 days to make a habit, and since most months are a little longer than that (ha!), this will be a great opportunity to create great habits. And since I'm a sprinter learning to be a marathon-er, having to do something consistently for a year will be incredibly difficult, but having the task or activity change every month will give me just enough of a boost of different that I think I might just be able to do it. New Year= New Me.
Currently Celebrating: Day 1 back on the Workout wagon.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
It's Never Coincidence
This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Plain and simple. I had set my alarm to get up early and do some things around the house, and just have some "me time". I immediately knew this was not going to be the case. I turned my alarm off and lounged around for almost another hour, thinking that maybe if I could go back to sleep, I would re-wake up in a better mood. Nope.
So I finally drag myself out of bed and open my bible and start to read for awhile. Figuring this might be an important day, I fill my prayer with pleas of strength, of patience, of the need to be a light, so please, please God, won't you make this bad mood disappear?
My prayer continued on my way to work. Let me be a light. Let me bring positive energy to the people I work with. Let me be a bright influence. Arriving at work, my bad mood pretends to disappear, and then attacks full-on as I walk through the door. I'm just so annoyed by everything! What is the DEAL?!
I make it through my shift and, because I'm really lucky and my church sits directly behind my place of work, I drive over and peek my head in to see if the pastor is around. I'm really frustrated, really annoyed, and really concerned that this mood isn't hitting the road. The senior pastor is gone, but the associate pastor is there. He asks what's up, and I relay my attitude and issues to him. It's not that anything bad has happened, I have no reason to be stressed out, there's nothing bad on my plate... there is absolutely NO REASON I should be feeling this way.
Pastor Todd listened intently, nodding in all the right places, waiting for me to finish my diatribe. And then he tells me something amazing: everyone on leadership at our church has been feeling this way lately. EVERYONE. People have felt useless, worthless, desolate, and basically just attacked at every angle for the last several weeks. Pastor Todd encouraged me to see past my day and know that something BIG is happening, and this is just satan's way of trying to pull me out of the game, to make me stagnant or unmovable. He then asked if he could pray for me. "Absolutely! Yes, please."
And as he prayed for me, I was reminded of my place of influence within the church, of my place of importance in the Lord's plan, of my place of value in the Lord's eyes. It struck me suddenly that not all bad moods are coincidental. Not all bad days are just bad days. Sometimes it's much, much more than that. And so I decided to come up with a few ways to deal with bad moods:
1. Be Proactive.
Your bad attitude isn't going to change just because you want it to, or because you complain about it. Know this, and make a knowledgeable decision to change it. Even if you don't feel like it.
2. Pray.
Let yourself be comforted. But beyond that, let yourself be reminded of your value in the Lord. Be reminded of your level of influence in the people around you. See the bigger picture- not just this little snapshot of time. You're always ministering- even when you think no one is looking.
3. Talk To Someone.
About THEIR life. You've already whined or complained enough (it's okay- it's what we do). But allow yourself to be reminded that you're not the only person on the planet, and that other people are struggling, too.
4. Get Busy.
Go on a run. Pop in a work out dvd. Hit the gym. There's something to be said about sweat and those natural mood-boosters smart people call endorphins.
5. Breathe.
Just the sound of your own breath is cathartic and healing. It's constant, it's controllable. Yes, it sucks to have a bad day. Yes, it sucks to be stressed out. Yes, it sucks when things don't go your way, especially if it looked like it was going to happen for you. But you can still breathe. In 10 minutes, you can still breathe. At the end of this crappy day, or this rough trial, or this terrible time, you're still breathing, and God still loves you. Take comfort in that with a nice long, slow, deep, life-giving breath.
My day wasn't instantly better. Things didn't automatically start going my way. But utilizing these tools that I hadn't yet realized were constantly at my disposal gave me ownership of both my attitude and my actions concerning my attitude. Particularly when I was reminded of the bigger picture, and how my bad mood was just playing into the devil's hand.
I didn't have to remain negative, I didn't have to bring other people down with my annoyance or frustration. My behavior did NOT have to depend on how I felt. I could take steps to remind myself of TRUTH which is, at the end of the day, what we lean on. Not how we feel. Which includes our bad moods.
So I finally drag myself out of bed and open my bible and start to read for awhile. Figuring this might be an important day, I fill my prayer with pleas of strength, of patience, of the need to be a light, so please, please God, won't you make this bad mood disappear?
My prayer continued on my way to work. Let me be a light. Let me bring positive energy to the people I work with. Let me be a bright influence. Arriving at work, my bad mood pretends to disappear, and then attacks full-on as I walk through the door. I'm just so annoyed by everything! What is the DEAL?!
I make it through my shift and, because I'm really lucky and my church sits directly behind my place of work, I drive over and peek my head in to see if the pastor is around. I'm really frustrated, really annoyed, and really concerned that this mood isn't hitting the road. The senior pastor is gone, but the associate pastor is there. He asks what's up, and I relay my attitude and issues to him. It's not that anything bad has happened, I have no reason to be stressed out, there's nothing bad on my plate... there is absolutely NO REASON I should be feeling this way.
Pastor Todd listened intently, nodding in all the right places, waiting for me to finish my diatribe. And then he tells me something amazing: everyone on leadership at our church has been feeling this way lately. EVERYONE. People have felt useless, worthless, desolate, and basically just attacked at every angle for the last several weeks. Pastor Todd encouraged me to see past my day and know that something BIG is happening, and this is just satan's way of trying to pull me out of the game, to make me stagnant or unmovable. He then asked if he could pray for me. "Absolutely! Yes, please."
And as he prayed for me, I was reminded of my place of influence within the church, of my place of importance in the Lord's plan, of my place of value in the Lord's eyes. It struck me suddenly that not all bad moods are coincidental. Not all bad days are just bad days. Sometimes it's much, much more than that. And so I decided to come up with a few ways to deal with bad moods:
1. Be Proactive.
Your bad attitude isn't going to change just because you want it to, or because you complain about it. Know this, and make a knowledgeable decision to change it. Even if you don't feel like it.
2. Pray.
Let yourself be comforted. But beyond that, let yourself be reminded of your value in the Lord. Be reminded of your level of influence in the people around you. See the bigger picture- not just this little snapshot of time. You're always ministering- even when you think no one is looking.
3. Talk To Someone.
About THEIR life. You've already whined or complained enough (it's okay- it's what we do). But allow yourself to be reminded that you're not the only person on the planet, and that other people are struggling, too.
4. Get Busy.
Go on a run. Pop in a work out dvd. Hit the gym. There's something to be said about sweat and those natural mood-boosters smart people call endorphins.
5. Breathe.
Just the sound of your own breath is cathartic and healing. It's constant, it's controllable. Yes, it sucks to have a bad day. Yes, it sucks to be stressed out. Yes, it sucks when things don't go your way, especially if it looked like it was going to happen for you. But you can still breathe. In 10 minutes, you can still breathe. At the end of this crappy day, or this rough trial, or this terrible time, you're still breathing, and God still loves you. Take comfort in that with a nice long, slow, deep, life-giving breath.
My day wasn't instantly better. Things didn't automatically start going my way. But utilizing these tools that I hadn't yet realized were constantly at my disposal gave me ownership of both my attitude and my actions concerning my attitude. Particularly when I was reminded of the bigger picture, and how my bad mood was just playing into the devil's hand.
I didn't have to remain negative, I didn't have to bring other people down with my annoyance or frustration. My behavior did NOT have to depend on how I felt. I could take steps to remind myself of TRUTH which is, at the end of the day, what we lean on. Not how we feel. Which includes our bad moods.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Priorities
Last night we had 707, the youth service for my church. I'm obviously not "youth" anymore, but I'm a coach there and I go to build relationships, encourage, love, and build the kingdom of God.
Last night the service was about what kind of legacy you are going to leave when you die. I'd heard this information before, having taught this in my small group a week prior. But somehow things hit home a lot harder than I was prepared for.
The focus was less the legacy your parents left you and what you wanted to leave your children, and more what you were going to do with your life here that would continue impacting when you were gone.
We did this exercise on priorities- we were each given 5 tiny slips of paper on which to write our top 5 priorities. Not just any, but the TOPS. In no particular order I wrote my relationship with Christ/ministry, my physical health, success in whatever I end up doing, my relationship with friends/family, and being pursued/married, because I desire so deeply to have a ministry with my husband, to affect change in the world for the Lord with my husband. When I had finished writing my priorities, I felt pretty good with myself. Five priorities. Easily managed. And good ones, too! Important ones.
But then Pastor Todd asked us to take a good long look at our priorities, and throw one away. We didn't have time for all 5, so which one would we get rid of first?
Looking through my slips of paper, it was easy enough to toss the "being successful at whatever I do" first. My idea of success and God's idea of success are perhaps and probably two very different things, and as long as I am doing His work and the things He has called me to do, it doesn't matter if I see success. Sometimes we're just called to sow but not reap. That's ok.
Wow. 4 priorities. All super important. Maybe he's done asking us to toss them away... Nope. You don't have time for all 4 priorities. Get rid of another. Ooh. Which one?? These are all really important!! Taking a good, hard, long look, I finally toss away "physical health" because I'm thinking relationships are more important than anything else. I immediately regret this decision. What was I thinking? How important are relationships when your body is failing you because you haven't taken care of it? What's going to happen to those relationships when you die early from heart disease or adult-onset diabetes or some form of cancer that could have been prevented by a healthy diet and exercise? I ask if I can take my choice back...nope, can't. Sorry. Drat.
So, as I'm sure you know it's coming, Pastor Todd asks us to drop one more priority. I'm down to 3, which I think is enough to handle, but apparently it's not. Relationship with Christ/ministry, relationships with friends/family, and being pursued/married. I know I'm not about to toss Christ, but how can I choose between my dearest friends and the family that has been with me since birth, and my deepest desire? I sit looking at them for a long, long time...and finally toss my marriage. Relationships with friends and family is also a ministry, not that your relationship to your husband is not, but it's also not completely necessary. You choose marriage, it's not a marriage-or-nothing kind of life. You can make it through life without getting married. It happens all the time, and people not only survive, but they thrive, making huge strides for Christ with all their free time and resources. Not ideal, in my eyes, but absolutely possible, and if that's what I have to do in order to keep Christ #1 and Only One, then I can let go of my desires.
So I'm left with relationships with friends/family, and relationship with Christ & ministry. As you guessed, PTodd asks us to toss one more, since we clearly only have time for one priority. This is by far the easiest decision for me. I'm the first out of my seat and the first to the trash can to toss all my relationships, save one- Christ, and my obedience to Him. Nothing compares to this. Up to this point I was really struggling with which to let go of, but it turns out it doesn't matter what goes first or last. Only one thing remains: Christ. All else is unnecessary, just blessings...icing on the cake. I hold on to this last slip of paper as a reminder of how easy it is to remember what truly matters, what truly remains. My relationship with Christ, and what He is calling me to do in this life, away from Him for a short while. I reside on earth, He's waiting for me in heaven. I'm not saying He isn't with me wherever I go and whatever I do. But this is a temporary place, and it fades in the blink of an eye. I would love to be remembered for loving anyone and everyone more deeply than anyone else. But if that love does not point to Christ, what good is it? I would love to be remembered for caring for and caring about anyone and everyone I cross paths with, but if that encouragement, compassion, and hospitality doesn't point to Christ, what does it matter? I can focus my efforts and my energy on making sure people remember ME, or I can focus my efforts and energy on making sure people know and remember CHRIST.
This was a really emotional service for me. It hit me really deeply. I've been struggling more lately with my priorities and where my attention should be spent. My devotions have all been about this same idea, which is not in any way coincidental- I needed the reminder. "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you." Of course I would love to be successful in my ministry, in my relationships, in my family. Of course my physical health is really important to me, and I can't imagine living without yoga, dance, soccer, running... Of course, my relationships to my friends and family are SO important, and worthy of time and energy. Of COURSE I desire so deeply to be pursued by the man of my dreams, a man I can minister with, a man I can build the kingdom of God with. ...But if none of these things are added to me, I still have Christ.
And that's enough.
Last night the service was about what kind of legacy you are going to leave when you die. I'd heard this information before, having taught this in my small group a week prior. But somehow things hit home a lot harder than I was prepared for.
The focus was less the legacy your parents left you and what you wanted to leave your children, and more what you were going to do with your life here that would continue impacting when you were gone.
We did this exercise on priorities- we were each given 5 tiny slips of paper on which to write our top 5 priorities. Not just any, but the TOPS. In no particular order I wrote my relationship with Christ/ministry, my physical health, success in whatever I end up doing, my relationship with friends/family, and being pursued/married, because I desire so deeply to have a ministry with my husband, to affect change in the world for the Lord with my husband. When I had finished writing my priorities, I felt pretty good with myself. Five priorities. Easily managed. And good ones, too! Important ones.
But then Pastor Todd asked us to take a good long look at our priorities, and throw one away. We didn't have time for all 5, so which one would we get rid of first?
Looking through my slips of paper, it was easy enough to toss the "being successful at whatever I do" first. My idea of success and God's idea of success are perhaps and probably two very different things, and as long as I am doing His work and the things He has called me to do, it doesn't matter if I see success. Sometimes we're just called to sow but not reap. That's ok.
Wow. 4 priorities. All super important. Maybe he's done asking us to toss them away... Nope. You don't have time for all 4 priorities. Get rid of another. Ooh. Which one?? These are all really important!! Taking a good, hard, long look, I finally toss away "physical health" because I'm thinking relationships are more important than anything else. I immediately regret this decision. What was I thinking? How important are relationships when your body is failing you because you haven't taken care of it? What's going to happen to those relationships when you die early from heart disease or adult-onset diabetes or some form of cancer that could have been prevented by a healthy diet and exercise? I ask if I can take my choice back...nope, can't. Sorry. Drat.
So, as I'm sure you know it's coming, Pastor Todd asks us to drop one more priority. I'm down to 3, which I think is enough to handle, but apparently it's not. Relationship with Christ/ministry, relationships with friends/family, and being pursued/married. I know I'm not about to toss Christ, but how can I choose between my dearest friends and the family that has been with me since birth, and my deepest desire? I sit looking at them for a long, long time...and finally toss my marriage. Relationships with friends and family is also a ministry, not that your relationship to your husband is not, but it's also not completely necessary. You choose marriage, it's not a marriage-or-nothing kind of life. You can make it through life without getting married. It happens all the time, and people not only survive, but they thrive, making huge strides for Christ with all their free time and resources. Not ideal, in my eyes, but absolutely possible, and if that's what I have to do in order to keep Christ #1 and Only One, then I can let go of my desires.
So I'm left with relationships with friends/family, and relationship with Christ & ministry. As you guessed, PTodd asks us to toss one more, since we clearly only have time for one priority. This is by far the easiest decision for me. I'm the first out of my seat and the first to the trash can to toss all my relationships, save one- Christ, and my obedience to Him. Nothing compares to this. Up to this point I was really struggling with which to let go of, but it turns out it doesn't matter what goes first or last. Only one thing remains: Christ. All else is unnecessary, just blessings...icing on the cake. I hold on to this last slip of paper as a reminder of how easy it is to remember what truly matters, what truly remains. My relationship with Christ, and what He is calling me to do in this life, away from Him for a short while. I reside on earth, He's waiting for me in heaven. I'm not saying He isn't with me wherever I go and whatever I do. But this is a temporary place, and it fades in the blink of an eye. I would love to be remembered for loving anyone and everyone more deeply than anyone else. But if that love does not point to Christ, what good is it? I would love to be remembered for caring for and caring about anyone and everyone I cross paths with, but if that encouragement, compassion, and hospitality doesn't point to Christ, what does it matter? I can focus my efforts and my energy on making sure people remember ME, or I can focus my efforts and energy on making sure people know and remember CHRIST.
This was a really emotional service for me. It hit me really deeply. I've been struggling more lately with my priorities and where my attention should be spent. My devotions have all been about this same idea, which is not in any way coincidental- I needed the reminder. "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you." Of course I would love to be successful in my ministry, in my relationships, in my family. Of course my physical health is really important to me, and I can't imagine living without yoga, dance, soccer, running... Of course, my relationships to my friends and family are SO important, and worthy of time and energy. Of COURSE I desire so deeply to be pursued by the man of my dreams, a man I can minister with, a man I can build the kingdom of God with. ...But if none of these things are added to me, I still have Christ.
And that's enough.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Cherished
Tonight I had the great opportunity, challenge, and blessing to participate in a ministry for women who work in strip clubs. This was my second time participating, and I must say it was infinitely easier and less terrifying than the first time I went.
The first time I was asked to go I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into. Furthermore, I was not in the Word, and I was NOT steeling myself with prayer and intercession. On top of that, apparently there were some very big issues from my past, both recent and childhood, that I had NOT dealt with and which, unfortunately, would affect me in a very big way during this first outing. Before we even arrived at the club I was already driven to tears. I sucked it up long enough to walk in, feel uncomfortable, terrified, and overwhelmingly inadequate during our half hour there, and then make it back to the car before bursting into tears once more. It did not go well for me that first visit. I struggled to make conversation, I struggled to ignore the male customers, I struggled to connect in any way with any one. It was by all definitions... rough.
Trial #2. The woman in charge of this ministry, Jessie, called me yesterday to ask if I would consider going with her to the club this month. I told her, very maturely I believe, that I would think and pray on it, and get back with her later in the evening. I spent a LOT of time in scripture, and a LOT of time in prayer. By that evening I still didn't know if I could do it, but I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to. I am called to ministry, I am called to love on the world, and that includes going places where people are hurting, even when it's uncomfortable or scary for me. Jessie ended up texting me to ask if I had decided, and I said yes. Unflinchingly. Scared, but confident that the Lord would go before us, and make a way. I can put myself aside and go where there is need.
So this morning when I woke up, I started praying. I continued all through my day at work, on my run afterward, during my down time right before I had to meet Jessie. Praying for clarity, for compassion, for the right words in the moment, for peace, for courage... I think I might have prayed for just about everything I could possibly have asked from the Lord. When I showed up at Jessie's house, all the fear and timidity rushed back, almost knocking me over. I sat quietly on her couch while she finished the cards for the girls, we made small talk as she allowed me to help finish their gifts. And then she started asking the tough questions: what are your concerns about tonight? do you have any questions? do you want to talk about anything before we go? I had to be honest. I shared my real concerns, my genuine fears, as humbling and humiliating as they felt. Jessie listened quietly, nodding with empathy, letting me talk it all out. She then shared her vision of this ministry... and it was full of the Lord's power, and His protection, and His desire for these girls to be shown genuine love and kindness, and healthy communication. As she spoke these words I just felt myself being anointed. I felt the Lord's power and protection surrounding us, and I knew He had given me the courage to GO.
So we went. We prayed and we went. And it was AMAZING. We carried armloads of gifts and cookies for the girls and the staff, greeting everyone we met. The first two girls we spoke to were surprisingly open and smiling, talking to us about their children, their pets, their other jobs. I suddenly had so much clarity, and so much to say! I bantered easily with them, finding out new and interesting things about them, laughing and smiling with them. It was really lovely. When they started talking about their kids in particular, I felt they were sharing something very personal and special to them, and I knew the Lord was smiling. Of course He had gone before us. Of course He was going to protect us. Of course He had magical and powerful things in store, and all He wanted was a willingness to go.
We spoke with two other girls in that room, and they were slow to speak or share, but talk they did. It was a shorter conversation, but I could feel the Lord working there as well.
We went to the dressing room to drop the gifts off and met, I think, 6 other women there. A few of them were chatty and welcoming, but many looked worn out, stressed out, angry, and heart-broken. It was a real eye-opener compared to the girls already out on the floor, most of whom had already steeled themselves in preparation for the night. I heard some really tragic stories in that dressing room, and because Jessie is who she is, and has been coming to this club for nearly 2 years now, the girls trusted her and opened up to her pretty immediately about some very deep issues they were dealing with. It was as if a light had walked into their midst and they just wanted any part of it they could get. It was remarkable the way many of them just threw their problems at her, because they knew she would be empathetic, understanding, and compassionate. And just watching her listen to those girls, look directly into their eyes, and hug them tightly showed me what true compassion and love really looks like.
The girls I met tonight were an incredible reminder of how much the world is hurting. Of how much the world needs... desperately needs... compassion and love and mercy. And how much the Lord needs a willingness to go.
Everyone has a story. We aren't always the clothes we wear, the attitude we put on, the face we create. It's so easy to judge a book by its cover: you got yourself into this mess, get yourself out; look at him, he's so sad, he probably can't do anything for himself; look at those clothes, she's just asking for it; or my personal favorite- I don't care, I have my own problems to deal with. We all have scars. We all are more than what we seem. And if you aren't willing to go, if you aren't willing to cast yourself aside, if you aren't willing to learn to love beyond your own means, who will?
The power of the Lord is an immense thing to behold. He goes before us, He goes with us. Who can stand against the Lord?
The first time I was asked to go I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into. Furthermore, I was not in the Word, and I was NOT steeling myself with prayer and intercession. On top of that, apparently there were some very big issues from my past, both recent and childhood, that I had NOT dealt with and which, unfortunately, would affect me in a very big way during this first outing. Before we even arrived at the club I was already driven to tears. I sucked it up long enough to walk in, feel uncomfortable, terrified, and overwhelmingly inadequate during our half hour there, and then make it back to the car before bursting into tears once more. It did not go well for me that first visit. I struggled to make conversation, I struggled to ignore the male customers, I struggled to connect in any way with any one. It was by all definitions... rough.
Trial #2. The woman in charge of this ministry, Jessie, called me yesterday to ask if I would consider going with her to the club this month. I told her, very maturely I believe, that I would think and pray on it, and get back with her later in the evening. I spent a LOT of time in scripture, and a LOT of time in prayer. By that evening I still didn't know if I could do it, but I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to. I am called to ministry, I am called to love on the world, and that includes going places where people are hurting, even when it's uncomfortable or scary for me. Jessie ended up texting me to ask if I had decided, and I said yes. Unflinchingly. Scared, but confident that the Lord would go before us, and make a way. I can put myself aside and go where there is need.
So this morning when I woke up, I started praying. I continued all through my day at work, on my run afterward, during my down time right before I had to meet Jessie. Praying for clarity, for compassion, for the right words in the moment, for peace, for courage... I think I might have prayed for just about everything I could possibly have asked from the Lord. When I showed up at Jessie's house, all the fear and timidity rushed back, almost knocking me over. I sat quietly on her couch while she finished the cards for the girls, we made small talk as she allowed me to help finish their gifts. And then she started asking the tough questions: what are your concerns about tonight? do you have any questions? do you want to talk about anything before we go? I had to be honest. I shared my real concerns, my genuine fears, as humbling and humiliating as they felt. Jessie listened quietly, nodding with empathy, letting me talk it all out. She then shared her vision of this ministry... and it was full of the Lord's power, and His protection, and His desire for these girls to be shown genuine love and kindness, and healthy communication. As she spoke these words I just felt myself being anointed. I felt the Lord's power and protection surrounding us, and I knew He had given me the courage to GO.
So we went. We prayed and we went. And it was AMAZING. We carried armloads of gifts and cookies for the girls and the staff, greeting everyone we met. The first two girls we spoke to were surprisingly open and smiling, talking to us about their children, their pets, their other jobs. I suddenly had so much clarity, and so much to say! I bantered easily with them, finding out new and interesting things about them, laughing and smiling with them. It was really lovely. When they started talking about their kids in particular, I felt they were sharing something very personal and special to them, and I knew the Lord was smiling. Of course He had gone before us. Of course He was going to protect us. Of course He had magical and powerful things in store, and all He wanted was a willingness to go.
We spoke with two other girls in that room, and they were slow to speak or share, but talk they did. It was a shorter conversation, but I could feel the Lord working there as well.
We went to the dressing room to drop the gifts off and met, I think, 6 other women there. A few of them were chatty and welcoming, but many looked worn out, stressed out, angry, and heart-broken. It was a real eye-opener compared to the girls already out on the floor, most of whom had already steeled themselves in preparation for the night. I heard some really tragic stories in that dressing room, and because Jessie is who she is, and has been coming to this club for nearly 2 years now, the girls trusted her and opened up to her pretty immediately about some very deep issues they were dealing with. It was as if a light had walked into their midst and they just wanted any part of it they could get. It was remarkable the way many of them just threw their problems at her, because they knew she would be empathetic, understanding, and compassionate. And just watching her listen to those girls, look directly into their eyes, and hug them tightly showed me what true compassion and love really looks like.
The girls I met tonight were an incredible reminder of how much the world is hurting. Of how much the world needs... desperately needs... compassion and love and mercy. And how much the Lord needs a willingness to go.
Everyone has a story. We aren't always the clothes we wear, the attitude we put on, the face we create. It's so easy to judge a book by its cover: you got yourself into this mess, get yourself out; look at him, he's so sad, he probably can't do anything for himself; look at those clothes, she's just asking for it; or my personal favorite- I don't care, I have my own problems to deal with. We all have scars. We all are more than what we seem. And if you aren't willing to go, if you aren't willing to cast yourself aside, if you aren't willing to learn to love beyond your own means, who will?
The power of the Lord is an immense thing to behold. He goes before us, He goes with us. Who can stand against the Lord?
Saturday, October 22, 2011
My First 5K!
This morning I ran my first official 5K. It was for EKU's Homecoming, and it was incredible. The day didn't start out well, however.
I woke up super early, which was unfortunate since I didn't get to sleep until late the night before. When I woke up, however, the sun was streaming through my window...all signs pointing toward greatness. I was encouraged to walk to the registration area, since the road might be closed due to the upcoming parade (following directly after the start of the 5K). So I walked. And walked. And walked and walked and walked. Speedily. We aren't talking leisurely stroll. I had somewhere to be! Nearly a mile and a half later, I finally get there. "Is this where we pick up our numbers for the 5K?" The reply: "No, sorry. It's at the other gym." AWESOME. I am not happy. I'm really, really frustrated, and really, really concerned that I'm going to be too tired to finish the run.
But after another quarter mile walk, I arrive at the actual registration site, get my number and my sweet shirt, and run downstairs to the locker rooms to change. Well...the shirt was a medium. In most cases this is no problem, because shirts run small usually. However, this particular shirt was HUGE. Absolutely enormous. It actually looked like a dress. So, I'm already tired AND I'm running in a dress. This stinks. Luckily, my running buddy Casey is THE most selfless, caring, considerate person on the planet and graciously offered her small shirt in exchange for my medium. Realizing how selfish this is of me to accept, I do so anyway, under her encouragement that she wouldn't wear the shirt after today anyway (yeah right, Casey...but you're too incredible to let me feel bad, so you lie anyway. Lovely girl).
So finally we both arrive at the starting line (another quarter mile away), to be greeted by tons of friends, smiles, and well-wishers. We get a few minutes of quick stretching in, and the race is on! I didn't realize we would be running on the roads, and in front of a parade, so the entire town had filed out to watch the whole thing. We ran past hundreds and hundreds of people, all clapping and cheering. It was really encouraging, and somewhat distracting, and I got a little more winded in the first mile and a half than I would have liked. But it was really cool to run in front of a crowd, and to hear people cheering us on. Unexpected, and really official-feeling.
We ran up SO MANY HILLS. And they were STEEP. It was rough. I really hoped to finish the run without walking at all, but around the mile and 3/4 mark, when we were literally running up the side of Mount Everest, I needed a break. I made it to the top, and then Casey and I walked (quickly) for a few seconds so I could catch my breath. I felt a little disappointed, but then I thought of the 2 miles I speed-walked directly before the race and I let that comfort me a little.
Casey and I walked twice more, for a very short amount of time, and finished the run in 37:07. Not too bad considering. We were greeted with water and oranges, and high fives all around from friends who finished before us. It was an incredible experience. I'm so grateful I had the opportunity and courage to participate. It was a big step for me, and I'm so thankful to have friends who can encourage and push me past where I think I can go. What a day.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Update, Schmupdate
Wow. Life is CRAZY. And AMAZING. So much has been going on!
This blog started as a record of my journey toward finding a career, or at least figuring out what I'm doing with my life right now, so I'll start out with an update on my job: I recently had an informal interview to become a Service Professional at Red Lobster. Basically I'd be doing the same thing I do anyway on weekend nights, I would just have more authority to help other servers out with issues in the dining room, rowdy tables, and messed up checks. I don't want to become a manager with this company, because I'm called to other things, but I'm definitely going to stay with this company until I find a full-time position at a church as a Girls' Minister. Red Lobster is huge and I can travel anywhere I need to go and still have a job. I'm hoping to hear back, and positively, soon.
In the area of yoga, amazing things are happening. My students are growing in leaps and bounds, breaking down physical and emotional boundaries more and more every week. Poses are becoming more accessible to them, and to myself, as I continue growing along with them. Admittedly, I'm not taking classes enough for myself, having a schedule that rivals the President's, but I'm still working as often as I can. My students can't grow if their teacher is not growing.
As most of you know, I've been running off and on since this past spring. Well...more off than on if I'm completely honest with myself. There is a loop around campus from my house that measures 2.2 miles. My roomie and I used to run it every once and awhile, and my bestie and I got into a really sweet habit of walking it every other night this summer. But I haven't really been faithful in continuing to train. I started running with my friend Casey 2-3 times a week, just to have an opportunity to hang out with her. The farthest I could ever go was just over 2 miles, and that was a streeettttccchhhh. I decided to go ahead and sign up to run the EKU Homecoming 5K, because...well... why not? It's only 3.1 miles. Since signing up for it, our schedules have gotten completely overwhelming, and we haven't had a chance to run together in 2 weeks. Earlier this week, after having taken 10 whole days off, I decided I'd give it another go. The 5K is this weekend, I should at least attempt to run a little. I started at 2 1/2 miles. I thought I'd conquered the world. My elation was unparalleled. After work, two days later, I threw on my running shoes and hit the pavement. I was back at my old loop, thinking I'll just run this 2.2 and be finished for the day. A little less than a quarter mile from home, I felt God asking me to just keep going. What was I going to lose? "Yes, Lord." And so I did. I just kept going! And 53 minutes, 41 seconds and 4.66 miles later, I was finished. 4.66 MILES!! Unbelievable!! It really is a mental game. Once I hit the 2 mile mark, the world is mine! I feel SO good about myself, and SO good about my first official 5K (which rocks my world tomorrow). Breaking down walls one step at a time!
It's also gotten cold enough that I've taken up my favorite wintry activity: knitting and crocheting! I feel complete again. So far this month I've completed 4 slouchy hats, and started work on a new pair of mittens. Also, I started a stitching group for the women of my church. We meet every other Thursday at a local coffee shop for 2 1/2 hours to talk, laugh, enjoy being outside our homes and, of course, get our winter projects finished. I know I'm such a grandma, but it brings me so much joy!
Speaking of church, you know we've been on a 3 week rotation interpreter-wise (2 weeks on, 1 week off), and I've really struggled with it. I hate not interpreting every week. This is the first time in 7 years I've sat through a service without signing anything at all, and it stinks. BUT it's given me an incredible opportunity to volunteer elsewhere in church on my week off. I've become a greeter! Ha, never thought I'd go there. But, indeed, I have. On my week off, which is my week of greeting, I go to both services, hand out things, hold doors open, and just in general welcome people to church. Beyond that, it's given me the opportunity to meet new people. As an interpreter, I spend 100% of my time near or on the stage. The first thing I do when I show up is run to the sanctuary to meet with the other interpreter, figure out who is doing what, and greet the Deaf member(s). Then we spend the whole service interpreting under lights that DO NOT allow you to see past the first row, and after the service I spend 20 minutes getting feedback from the other interpreter(s) and Deaf member(s). So by the time I make it back out to the lobby everyone is gone. I didn't realize how much my eyes have been shut to the other members of my church. Having the opportunity to stand at a door and say hello to everyone has been such an awesome blessing. I've met more people in my church in one week of greeting than in an entire year of interpreting. I get to greet again this coming Sunday. And while I'll miss interpreting, I greatly look forward to meeting more new friends, and seeing old ones.
Also, after church we've been going to my pastor's house for lunch (all college-aged students...and some a little older......me......), and that has morphed into an in-depth discussion of relationships, dating, singlehood, and the innards of male and female thought and behavior. We affectionately call it Table Talk, because it started around a table in the kitchen one random Sunday afternoon.
Further, after that's all said and done, a small portion from this group have gone out to the local park to play ultimate frisbee and soccer the last several Sundays followed by, of course, more eating. It's been SUCH JOY to play soccer again! I've lost any resemblance to skill I once had, and ALL my endurance, but I LOVE IT. I'm devastated that winter's a'comin' and soccer will most likely have to be put on the backburner until it warms up. But I could definitely be up for a Snow Cup or two.
In conclusion...I have so much to be thankful for. I lead such an incredibly blessed, joyful life. Shame on me for complaining about dumb, impermanent things. So what if I have a rough day? So what if things don't go my way? The Lord is a pursuer, and He shows me daily that He thinks I'm lovely enough to invest in, again and again and again, even if I'm blind to what He's doing. May I never lose sight of the small, incredible things the Lord does to tell me He loves me.
Currently watching: a Friends marathon.
This blog started as a record of my journey toward finding a career, or at least figuring out what I'm doing with my life right now, so I'll start out with an update on my job: I recently had an informal interview to become a Service Professional at Red Lobster. Basically I'd be doing the same thing I do anyway on weekend nights, I would just have more authority to help other servers out with issues in the dining room, rowdy tables, and messed up checks. I don't want to become a manager with this company, because I'm called to other things, but I'm definitely going to stay with this company until I find a full-time position at a church as a Girls' Minister. Red Lobster is huge and I can travel anywhere I need to go and still have a job. I'm hoping to hear back, and positively, soon.
In the area of yoga, amazing things are happening. My students are growing in leaps and bounds, breaking down physical and emotional boundaries more and more every week. Poses are becoming more accessible to them, and to myself, as I continue growing along with them. Admittedly, I'm not taking classes enough for myself, having a schedule that rivals the President's, but I'm still working as often as I can. My students can't grow if their teacher is not growing.
As most of you know, I've been running off and on since this past spring. Well...more off than on if I'm completely honest with myself. There is a loop around campus from my house that measures 2.2 miles. My roomie and I used to run it every once and awhile, and my bestie and I got into a really sweet habit of walking it every other night this summer. But I haven't really been faithful in continuing to train. I started running with my friend Casey 2-3 times a week, just to have an opportunity to hang out with her. The farthest I could ever go was just over 2 miles, and that was a streeettttccchhhh. I decided to go ahead and sign up to run the EKU Homecoming 5K, because...well... why not? It's only 3.1 miles. Since signing up for it, our schedules have gotten completely overwhelming, and we haven't had a chance to run together in 2 weeks. Earlier this week, after having taken 10 whole days off, I decided I'd give it another go. The 5K is this weekend, I should at least attempt to run a little. I started at 2 1/2 miles. I thought I'd conquered the world. My elation was unparalleled. After work, two days later, I threw on my running shoes and hit the pavement. I was back at my old loop, thinking I'll just run this 2.2 and be finished for the day. A little less than a quarter mile from home, I felt God asking me to just keep going. What was I going to lose? "Yes, Lord." And so I did. I just kept going! And 53 minutes, 41 seconds and 4.66 miles later, I was finished. 4.66 MILES!! Unbelievable!! It really is a mental game. Once I hit the 2 mile mark, the world is mine! I feel SO good about myself, and SO good about my first official 5K (which rocks my world tomorrow). Breaking down walls one step at a time!
It's also gotten cold enough that I've taken up my favorite wintry activity: knitting and crocheting! I feel complete again. So far this month I've completed 4 slouchy hats, and started work on a new pair of mittens. Also, I started a stitching group for the women of my church. We meet every other Thursday at a local coffee shop for 2 1/2 hours to talk, laugh, enjoy being outside our homes and, of course, get our winter projects finished. I know I'm such a grandma, but it brings me so much joy!
Speaking of church, you know we've been on a 3 week rotation interpreter-wise (2 weeks on, 1 week off), and I've really struggled with it. I hate not interpreting every week. This is the first time in 7 years I've sat through a service without signing anything at all, and it stinks. BUT it's given me an incredible opportunity to volunteer elsewhere in church on my week off. I've become a greeter! Ha, never thought I'd go there. But, indeed, I have. On my week off, which is my week of greeting, I go to both services, hand out things, hold doors open, and just in general welcome people to church. Beyond that, it's given me the opportunity to meet new people. As an interpreter, I spend 100% of my time near or on the stage. The first thing I do when I show up is run to the sanctuary to meet with the other interpreter, figure out who is doing what, and greet the Deaf member(s). Then we spend the whole service interpreting under lights that DO NOT allow you to see past the first row, and after the service I spend 20 minutes getting feedback from the other interpreter(s) and Deaf member(s). So by the time I make it back out to the lobby everyone is gone. I didn't realize how much my eyes have been shut to the other members of my church. Having the opportunity to stand at a door and say hello to everyone has been such an awesome blessing. I've met more people in my church in one week of greeting than in an entire year of interpreting. I get to greet again this coming Sunday. And while I'll miss interpreting, I greatly look forward to meeting more new friends, and seeing old ones.
Also, after church we've been going to my pastor's house for lunch (all college-aged students...and some a little older......me......), and that has morphed into an in-depth discussion of relationships, dating, singlehood, and the innards of male and female thought and behavior. We affectionately call it Table Talk, because it started around a table in the kitchen one random Sunday afternoon.
Further, after that's all said and done, a small portion from this group have gone out to the local park to play ultimate frisbee and soccer the last several Sundays followed by, of course, more eating. It's been SUCH JOY to play soccer again! I've lost any resemblance to skill I once had, and ALL my endurance, but I LOVE IT. I'm devastated that winter's a'comin' and soccer will most likely have to be put on the backburner until it warms up. But I could definitely be up for a Snow Cup or two.
In conclusion...I have so much to be thankful for. I lead such an incredibly blessed, joyful life. Shame on me for complaining about dumb, impermanent things. So what if I have a rough day? So what if things don't go my way? The Lord is a pursuer, and He shows me daily that He thinks I'm lovely enough to invest in, again and again and again, even if I'm blind to what He's doing. May I never lose sight of the small, incredible things the Lord does to tell me He loves me.
Currently watching: a Friends marathon.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Growth
Praise the Lord for second chances: the chance to grow... the belief in me that I CAN grow, that I have potential.
This has been an incredible autumn so far! I have been challenged, uncomfortable, pushed past my personal boundaries, encouraged past my limitations. It's been beautiful.
My best friend in the whole world and I have been co-leading a small group of college women for our church. It's been a real eye-opener for me in terms of what I am called to do, what that looks like, and how I need to throw everything else to the wind and, finally, run after the Lord. Sarah and I have always held each other accountable for our words, our actions, even our very thoughts. But since we've started leading these women, we've been encouraged to go beyond even that into discipling each other, challenging each other, and building each other up even more than we already have. She's always been my Paul, and I her Timothy, but that relationship has become even stronger, even more blessed, than I could ever have imagined a friendship could be. I am so, so lucky to have her in my life.
Beyond even Sarah, I have started being mentored and discipled by my pastor's wife. Janice is one of the most Godly women I've ever met, she is sure of who she is in the Lord, she is sure of her role in the lives of her husband and children, and she is confident of her role in the lives of the people who live and work around her. She has started speaking truth into my life in a way that I have yearned for since I was a young teenager. A woman who can remind and affirm my own grace, strength, beauty, and wisdom. Every girl needs that kind of truth spoken into her life. When I spend time with Janice, when I call on her wisdom, when I admit my deep-seated fears and my heart's deepest desires... she speaks courage and healing into my soul in a way I've never before experienced. I can physically feel the holes in my heart being patched, the ragged edges of my soul being sewn back together. I am more than blessed.
Through the wisdom, support, and love of these two beloved women in my life, I have become stronger than I ever thought possible. I have been able to stand up for myself in very uncomfortable situations, I have not shrunk away from opposition or confrontation, I have been affirmed and assured of my worth and value. I can do anything. If the Lord calls a man into my life, I can rest assured he will know and value my worth as well, that he will pursue me the way my heart yearns to be pursued, and I will not allow myself to be walked over or taken for granted, as I've done so easily again and again in my past. And if the Lord calls me to be single, I am strong enough to do just that, loving on and caring for everyone who comes into my path, but in a different way. I know I can handle whatever is thrown my way. The Lord promises that He is WITH me, and will never, ever leave. He is all I need. Everything else is just undeserved blessings.
This has been an incredible autumn so far! I have been challenged, uncomfortable, pushed past my personal boundaries, encouraged past my limitations. It's been beautiful.
My best friend in the whole world and I have been co-leading a small group of college women for our church. It's been a real eye-opener for me in terms of what I am called to do, what that looks like, and how I need to throw everything else to the wind and, finally, run after the Lord. Sarah and I have always held each other accountable for our words, our actions, even our very thoughts. But since we've started leading these women, we've been encouraged to go beyond even that into discipling each other, challenging each other, and building each other up even more than we already have. She's always been my Paul, and I her Timothy, but that relationship has become even stronger, even more blessed, than I could ever have imagined a friendship could be. I am so, so lucky to have her in my life.
Beyond even Sarah, I have started being mentored and discipled by my pastor's wife. Janice is one of the most Godly women I've ever met, she is sure of who she is in the Lord, she is sure of her role in the lives of her husband and children, and she is confident of her role in the lives of the people who live and work around her. She has started speaking truth into my life in a way that I have yearned for since I was a young teenager. A woman who can remind and affirm my own grace, strength, beauty, and wisdom. Every girl needs that kind of truth spoken into her life. When I spend time with Janice, when I call on her wisdom, when I admit my deep-seated fears and my heart's deepest desires... she speaks courage and healing into my soul in a way I've never before experienced. I can physically feel the holes in my heart being patched, the ragged edges of my soul being sewn back together. I am more than blessed.
Through the wisdom, support, and love of these two beloved women in my life, I have become stronger than I ever thought possible. I have been able to stand up for myself in very uncomfortable situations, I have not shrunk away from opposition or confrontation, I have been affirmed and assured of my worth and value. I can do anything. If the Lord calls a man into my life, I can rest assured he will know and value my worth as well, that he will pursue me the way my heart yearns to be pursued, and I will not allow myself to be walked over or taken for granted, as I've done so easily again and again in my past. And if the Lord calls me to be single, I am strong enough to do just that, loving on and caring for everyone who comes into my path, but in a different way. I know I can handle whatever is thrown my way. The Lord promises that He is WITH me, and will never, ever leave. He is all I need. Everything else is just undeserved blessings.
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