Everyone has their heart broken at some point. Lots of people have been jilted in love. And lots of people find the courage and the strength to move on. They deal with the pain, the jealousy, the absolute heart break. And they live through it. Every day. This is going to be me, too.
I woke up early this morning with a painful constriction in my chest, just one more physical sign of emotional distress. No, that's not the term for it- it's so much more than that. And it has been for a long, long time now. But I woke up, praying with all my might that my loving Father in heaven could pick me up again after my fall. That my powerful God could make me right again. I asked Him to take all the broken, shattered, aching, distrusting, rejected, tiny shreds of my heart and make them whole again. I'd like to say it was instantaneous, that my life was better in that second. It wasn't. It won't be. But I can start to see a tiny light at the end of this long, long, dark tunnel and that light is hope. Hope that I can trust again, hope that I can heal, that I can be new again, that the pain won't stay overwhelming forever. That the memories won't hold heartache and bitterness and rejection and loss and pain, but that I can look back on these past few years of my life as a time of love and growth. They really did help make me into who I am today. Definitely not perfect, but worthy of love. Real, unconditional, heart-pounding, make-it-through-the-hard-stuff-even-though-it's hard type love. And it's out there. Out there at the end of this tunnel.
I stole my heart from God and gave it away far too early, but I can give it back. He'll take it. All the shattered pieces of it. He came for the sick, you know. The downtrodden. The broken. That's me. It might be you, too. I know I have a privileged life, and I know this experience isn't an isolated one. Lots of people go through it. And lots of people get through it. That's going to be me, too.
I wish I could say it's going to happen overnight. Oh, how I wish that! The constriction in my chest, that searing hot knife through the center of me- it's still there. But I know it won't be there forever.
Today is my birthday. I'm being constantly reminded that there are people in my life who love me. Maybe not in the romantic way I hope for, but in the unconditional, overwhelming, generous, enthusiastic, love-me-just-for-being-me way. I think it's about time I stop throwing a pity party for my heart, and start throwing myself into loving other people. I've spent too much time already being consumed by my own pain, and missing out on the pain other people feel. On their joys and triumphs, too. I think part of my healing will come from throwing myself into lives that aren't my own. If I stay too involved in my own, the pain and memories will just continue to drown me. There are other things in this world than me and my life and my pain and my hurt. People need to be loved. And if I can't receive love, I sure can give it.
God is so good.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Winky
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
New Goals, New Me
My roommate, a dietetics major and thoroughly knowledgeable about healthy eating, and I decided last night that we were tired of living in our normal, average bodies. We were going to go on a healthy-foods, low-calorie diet, and we were going to start exercising much more regularly. Both of us having been recently brokenhearted, we needed something to give our focus and attention to. What better than a new lifestyle? I've decided to share mine here for an added bonus of accountability.
I started this morning weighing 150.2 lbs, 2 lbs more than I weighed last week, which is a direct result of my hedonistic and luxurious eating habits this past weekend. My goal weight it 137 lbs, and my super goal weight is 135 lbs (simply because I'm not sure my frame can support that low a weight and still be healthy and toned). I must drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water daily, and exercise atleast 30 minutes, 5 times daily. Keep in mind this is a bare minimum, and I would like to exercise a full hour 5-6 times a week, making sure to keep one day for complete rest. I've decided working as a server does not count, and the hours I spend on my feet will in no way count as "exercise" toward this particular goal. The obstacle I can see most clearly at this point is that I tend to be absolutely exhausted after week, and incredibly lazy before work, so in order to meet this part of the goal (and still work 40 hours a week), I'm going to have to be way more dedicated than I am. I'm also planning to count calories. Every single one that I put in my body. I'm limiting myself to 1600 calories daily in order to lose weight at a healthy pace, but my goal is 1350 calories. So I'm shooting for 1350, but if I happen to trip over that line, as long as I don't go above 1600 I won't give myself too difficult a time, or too heavy a guilt trip.
So far today, for breakfast and lunch I've consumed 980. I went to Jimmy Johns with a friend and ate one of the healthiest choices on the menu (actually, only HALF of that sandwich) but that still was a huge hit to my count. And I've only had 14 ounces of water. So for my late afternoon snack and for dinner I only have 370 calories allotted. Looks like I'll be consuming a ton of vegetables and 50 more ounces of water and hoping my stomach won't be too unhappy with not enough breads and sugars, like it's used to.
These are my new goals. I have a great habit of starting a new goal and being really motivated for about a week, and then allowing it to just kind of piddle away... Here's to not allowing that negative habit to control me again!
Healthy = Happy
I started this morning weighing 150.2 lbs, 2 lbs more than I weighed last week, which is a direct result of my hedonistic and luxurious eating habits this past weekend. My goal weight it 137 lbs, and my super goal weight is 135 lbs (simply because I'm not sure my frame can support that low a weight and still be healthy and toned). I must drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water daily, and exercise atleast 30 minutes, 5 times daily. Keep in mind this is a bare minimum, and I would like to exercise a full hour 5-6 times a week, making sure to keep one day for complete rest. I've decided working as a server does not count, and the hours I spend on my feet will in no way count as "exercise" toward this particular goal. The obstacle I can see most clearly at this point is that I tend to be absolutely exhausted after week, and incredibly lazy before work, so in order to meet this part of the goal (and still work 40 hours a week), I'm going to have to be way more dedicated than I am. I'm also planning to count calories. Every single one that I put in my body. I'm limiting myself to 1600 calories daily in order to lose weight at a healthy pace, but my goal is 1350 calories. So I'm shooting for 1350, but if I happen to trip over that line, as long as I don't go above 1600 I won't give myself too difficult a time, or too heavy a guilt trip.
So far today, for breakfast and lunch I've consumed 980. I went to Jimmy Johns with a friend and ate one of the healthiest choices on the menu (actually, only HALF of that sandwich) but that still was a huge hit to my count. And I've only had 14 ounces of water. So for my late afternoon snack and for dinner I only have 370 calories allotted. Looks like I'll be consuming a ton of vegetables and 50 more ounces of water and hoping my stomach won't be too unhappy with not enough breads and sugars, like it's used to.
These are my new goals. I have a great habit of starting a new goal and being really motivated for about a week, and then allowing it to just kind of piddle away... Here's to not allowing that negative habit to control me again!
Healthy = Happy
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