Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Yoga-isms T-shirt!
I am SUCH a blessed yoga teacher. Tonight after my Hot Yoga class, several of my students surprised me with professionally-made t-shirts!! My favorite pose, Anjanayasana, was featured on the front, and their top 10 favorite Andi-Yoga-Sayings were on the back. AND it was in my favorite color!! Needless to say, I was completely surprised (I'm pretty good at figuring out surprises- it's hard to be secret around me!), completely overwhelmed, and completely speechless. What an incredible reminder of the power of relationships. This is maybe the best gift I've ever received. I'm so lucky.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
2012: A Year of Sacrifice, A Year of Discipline
I've been thinking for several weeks now about what my New Years Resolutions might be. I know it's a bit early, but when I leave things to the last minute I get cranky. Further, the holiday season is a busy time, and who has extra time to debate resolutions when there are Christmas presents to make, food to bake, a house to clean, and caroling to do?
So as I've been thinking, praying, and debating changes I can make to my life beginning in the new year, a thought struck me: do my New Years Resolutions ever stick? Do I even remember my resolutions after, say, March? What's the point, and what can I do instead? (since we can't possibly think about starting a new year without changing something in our lives).
2012 is going to be a NEW year for me. I've been thinking about all the things I do, and all the people I've been blessed to know, and all the things on my bucket list that I haven't even begun to work toward. What if, in lieu of a "new years resolution," I made a year-long commitment to create healthy habits? I'll learn a lot about sacrifice, I'll learn a lot about self-discipline and what fasting and cleansing are all about. Here's my plan: for one entire month I will spend time doing one thing I've never done before. Every month it will change to something new. Each thing will require discipline and sacrifice, but will be positive, healthy, and beneficial. For an ENTIRE YEAR.
I've learned a lot about myself in the last 26 years. I am a sprinter for sure, definitely not a marathon-er. It's really easy (and habit) for me to get excited about something, come racing out of the gate at full speed, be incredibly passionate about whatever it is....and then just as quickly lose interest, inspiration, motivation, and energy, and I'm done. What kind of life is that? When I get married one day, it's going to be a marathon, not a sprint. When I have kids one day, what kind of habits will I teach them to make, if I can't follow through with my own goals, rules, or interests? This is the year I teach myself to run the race with perseverance.
I have created a list of things I can do each month. I've decided not to plan ahead (this activity this month, that activity the next, and so on). As each month comes to a close, I'll pray and meditate over which should come next, knowing that as the year progresses, my heart and my needs will be in different places. Here's my working list:
1. No tv/movies at all. How much time do I waste sitting in front of a tv? Really, do I even know? How much better can that time be spent investing in people, building relationships, doing something productive like working out or crafting or learning a new skill, reading a book, or spending time in God's Word? My one exception to this will be if a group of people are going to see a movie and invite me along- then it will be viewed as a social event, a chance to invest in those relationships. But I can't create an event like this.
2. No fast food, no take out. None. At all. I spend so much money eating food from drive-thrus. How much would I save (both in money and in health) if I spent a few extra minutes a day preparing food for myself? This will also force me to continue learning to cook (another very valuable skill). My one exception will be coffee. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Also, sit-down restaurants don't count. Unless those sit-down restaurants include a drive-thru. Then- NO.
3. Read for 30 minutes a day. I haven't decided if that is going to be restricted only to nonfiction and, in particular, books that will teach something (i.e. a textbook, self-help book, or a history book), or if it will also be open to inspirational and fiction books. No exceptions here.
4. Learn new knitting skills, including spending the time and energy to knit a sweater (finally! It's been on my bucket list for SO LONG).
5. Wake up one hour earlier than I normally do to dedicate a specific time to working out. I really have a problem starting new workout programs, hitting it hard for a week or two, and then peacing out. This will be a really good one for me. The exception will be on Sundays (since that is as close to a Sabbath as I get), or days when I work a double or triple at work...then I feel I deserve a break. :)
6. Meditate 10 minutes every day. I'm not sure if this will be one that takes up an entire month, or if it will just be incorporated into my time, in general.
7. Drink ONLY water for a month. No milk, no juice, no wine, no soda, no coffee (I know, right?!). Further, I will drink a full 64 ounces a day, just like the food pyramid tells you to do. No exception here, unless you count milk in cereal or oatmeal an exception. Which I don't, because I won't technically be drinking it.
8. Write a letter of encouragement to someone different, every day, and SNAIL MAIL it. Boom. I'm excited for this one!
9. No computer after 8 or 9 at night. I haven't fully thought this out, since I work at night as well. But I figure I spend too much time on facebook and twitter, and sometimes even here. And since Ravelry and Pinterest are becoming huge distractions as well, I really think I need a cleanse from media.
10. Before I purchase anything I'll take a full 5 minutes to really think about it, and decide if it's something I need or just simply want. This includes movies, groceries, even something like gum. If I decide it's not worth buying, whatever money I would have spent on the purchase goes directly and immediately into savings. At the end of the month I will have saved, I'm sure, a great deal, and I will be made QUITE aware of how much money I needlessly waste every month. Hopefully this will become a habit I carry on for life.
11. Don't give in to any cravings. I plan to do this by giving myself a full 20 minutes to decide for myself if it's really a craving (like Zeppoli- no one needs Zeppoli) or if it's something my body needs (like milk or meat). This is going to be a tough one. Necessary, but tough.
12. Arrive a full 10 minutes early to absolutely everything. I come from a habitually late family, which makes me habitually late. No better time than the present to break bad habits.
13. Spend 30 minutes a day learning new ASL skills. Or learning a new language. I want to be trilingual- what better time than now to get started?
14. Buy nothing personal- nothing for myself. No movies, no books, no clothes- nothing. Even if it hurts because I feel I need it. This will be a great reminder of how much stuff I have, and how much stuff I don't need. This could potentially pair up with taking 5 minutes before I purchase anything, to make sure it IS something I need.
15. Say absolutely nothing negative about myself, someone or something else. Instead, when I feel the desire to say something negative or complain-y (even in jest) I have to replace that thought with something positive and encouraging. No exception at all. I am particularly excited about this idea. Called into Girls/Women's Ministry, everything I say comes under scrutiny and is heard by the people around me. Little things I think don't matter, or aren't important, can really affect people, especially women. When I'm around my small group or my youth group girls, and I say something negative about my body or the way I look, even if I'm having a bad day or really feel like it's true, can really make an impression upon those women. I need to be filling their hearts and minds with confidence, encouragement, and grace. They need to know that even if you have crooked teeth, a big nose, or a few extra pounds around the middle, you can still be beautiful, graceful, confident, and assured of your place in the world. And I need to know that, too.
This is just a list in progress, it can change, I can add to it or subtract from it. But it's a start.
I realize that, in doing something consistently for a month, I will severely limit what I can do, but I figure this will teach me the invaluable skill of saying no. Which is very much a skill I know nothing about. There will, of course, be an exception to the rules, but when that comes up, I'll learn the value of what is truly important, and what is simply not necessary. I'll learn to discern between the two. Also, it takes 28 days to make a habit, and since most months are a little longer than that (ha!), this will be a great opportunity to create great habits. And since I'm a sprinter learning to be a marathon-er, having to do something consistently for a year will be incredibly difficult, but having the task or activity change every month will give me just enough of a boost of different that I think I might just be able to do it. New Year= New Me.
Currently Celebrating: Day 1 back on the Workout wagon.
So as I've been thinking, praying, and debating changes I can make to my life beginning in the new year, a thought struck me: do my New Years Resolutions ever stick? Do I even remember my resolutions after, say, March? What's the point, and what can I do instead? (since we can't possibly think about starting a new year without changing something in our lives).
2012 is going to be a NEW year for me. I've been thinking about all the things I do, and all the people I've been blessed to know, and all the things on my bucket list that I haven't even begun to work toward. What if, in lieu of a "new years resolution," I made a year-long commitment to create healthy habits? I'll learn a lot about sacrifice, I'll learn a lot about self-discipline and what fasting and cleansing are all about. Here's my plan: for one entire month I will spend time doing one thing I've never done before. Every month it will change to something new. Each thing will require discipline and sacrifice, but will be positive, healthy, and beneficial. For an ENTIRE YEAR.
I've learned a lot about myself in the last 26 years. I am a sprinter for sure, definitely not a marathon-er. It's really easy (and habit) for me to get excited about something, come racing out of the gate at full speed, be incredibly passionate about whatever it is....and then just as quickly lose interest, inspiration, motivation, and energy, and I'm done. What kind of life is that? When I get married one day, it's going to be a marathon, not a sprint. When I have kids one day, what kind of habits will I teach them to make, if I can't follow through with my own goals, rules, or interests? This is the year I teach myself to run the race with perseverance.
I have created a list of things I can do each month. I've decided not to plan ahead (this activity this month, that activity the next, and so on). As each month comes to a close, I'll pray and meditate over which should come next, knowing that as the year progresses, my heart and my needs will be in different places. Here's my working list:
1. No tv/movies at all. How much time do I waste sitting in front of a tv? Really, do I even know? How much better can that time be spent investing in people, building relationships, doing something productive like working out or crafting or learning a new skill, reading a book, or spending time in God's Word? My one exception to this will be if a group of people are going to see a movie and invite me along- then it will be viewed as a social event, a chance to invest in those relationships. But I can't create an event like this.
2. No fast food, no take out. None. At all. I spend so much money eating food from drive-thrus. How much would I save (both in money and in health) if I spent a few extra minutes a day preparing food for myself? This will also force me to continue learning to cook (another very valuable skill). My one exception will be coffee. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Also, sit-down restaurants don't count. Unless those sit-down restaurants include a drive-thru. Then- NO.
3. Read for 30 minutes a day. I haven't decided if that is going to be restricted only to nonfiction and, in particular, books that will teach something (i.e. a textbook, self-help book, or a history book), or if it will also be open to inspirational and fiction books. No exceptions here.
4. Learn new knitting skills, including spending the time and energy to knit a sweater (finally! It's been on my bucket list for SO LONG).
5. Wake up one hour earlier than I normally do to dedicate a specific time to working out. I really have a problem starting new workout programs, hitting it hard for a week or two, and then peacing out. This will be a really good one for me. The exception will be on Sundays (since that is as close to a Sabbath as I get), or days when I work a double or triple at work...then I feel I deserve a break. :)
6. Meditate 10 minutes every day. I'm not sure if this will be one that takes up an entire month, or if it will just be incorporated into my time, in general.
7. Drink ONLY water for a month. No milk, no juice, no wine, no soda, no coffee (I know, right?!). Further, I will drink a full 64 ounces a day, just like the food pyramid tells you to do. No exception here, unless you count milk in cereal or oatmeal an exception. Which I don't, because I won't technically be drinking it.
8. Write a letter of encouragement to someone different, every day, and SNAIL MAIL it. Boom. I'm excited for this one!
9. No computer after 8 or 9 at night. I haven't fully thought this out, since I work at night as well. But I figure I spend too much time on facebook and twitter, and sometimes even here. And since Ravelry and Pinterest are becoming huge distractions as well, I really think I need a cleanse from media.
10. Before I purchase anything I'll take a full 5 minutes to really think about it, and decide if it's something I need or just simply want. This includes movies, groceries, even something like gum. If I decide it's not worth buying, whatever money I would have spent on the purchase goes directly and immediately into savings. At the end of the month I will have saved, I'm sure, a great deal, and I will be made QUITE aware of how much money I needlessly waste every month. Hopefully this will become a habit I carry on for life.
11. Don't give in to any cravings. I plan to do this by giving myself a full 20 minutes to decide for myself if it's really a craving (like Zeppoli- no one needs Zeppoli) or if it's something my body needs (like milk or meat). This is going to be a tough one. Necessary, but tough.
12. Arrive a full 10 minutes early to absolutely everything. I come from a habitually late family, which makes me habitually late. No better time than the present to break bad habits.
13. Spend 30 minutes a day learning new ASL skills. Or learning a new language. I want to be trilingual- what better time than now to get started?
14. Buy nothing personal- nothing for myself. No movies, no books, no clothes- nothing. Even if it hurts because I feel I need it. This will be a great reminder of how much stuff I have, and how much stuff I don't need. This could potentially pair up with taking 5 minutes before I purchase anything, to make sure it IS something I need.
15. Say absolutely nothing negative about myself, someone or something else. Instead, when I feel the desire to say something negative or complain-y (even in jest) I have to replace that thought with something positive and encouraging. No exception at all. I am particularly excited about this idea. Called into Girls/Women's Ministry, everything I say comes under scrutiny and is heard by the people around me. Little things I think don't matter, or aren't important, can really affect people, especially women. When I'm around my small group or my youth group girls, and I say something negative about my body or the way I look, even if I'm having a bad day or really feel like it's true, can really make an impression upon those women. I need to be filling their hearts and minds with confidence, encouragement, and grace. They need to know that even if you have crooked teeth, a big nose, or a few extra pounds around the middle, you can still be beautiful, graceful, confident, and assured of your place in the world. And I need to know that, too.
This is just a list in progress, it can change, I can add to it or subtract from it. But it's a start.
I realize that, in doing something consistently for a month, I will severely limit what I can do, but I figure this will teach me the invaluable skill of saying no. Which is very much a skill I know nothing about. There will, of course, be an exception to the rules, but when that comes up, I'll learn the value of what is truly important, and what is simply not necessary. I'll learn to discern between the two. Also, it takes 28 days to make a habit, and since most months are a little longer than that (ha!), this will be a great opportunity to create great habits. And since I'm a sprinter learning to be a marathon-er, having to do something consistently for a year will be incredibly difficult, but having the task or activity change every month will give me just enough of a boost of different that I think I might just be able to do it. New Year= New Me.
Currently Celebrating: Day 1 back on the Workout wagon.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
It's Never Coincidence
This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Plain and simple. I had set my alarm to get up early and do some things around the house, and just have some "me time". I immediately knew this was not going to be the case. I turned my alarm off and lounged around for almost another hour, thinking that maybe if I could go back to sleep, I would re-wake up in a better mood. Nope.
So I finally drag myself out of bed and open my bible and start to read for awhile. Figuring this might be an important day, I fill my prayer with pleas of strength, of patience, of the need to be a light, so please, please God, won't you make this bad mood disappear?
My prayer continued on my way to work. Let me be a light. Let me bring positive energy to the people I work with. Let me be a bright influence. Arriving at work, my bad mood pretends to disappear, and then attacks full-on as I walk through the door. I'm just so annoyed by everything! What is the DEAL?!
I make it through my shift and, because I'm really lucky and my church sits directly behind my place of work, I drive over and peek my head in to see if the pastor is around. I'm really frustrated, really annoyed, and really concerned that this mood isn't hitting the road. The senior pastor is gone, but the associate pastor is there. He asks what's up, and I relay my attitude and issues to him. It's not that anything bad has happened, I have no reason to be stressed out, there's nothing bad on my plate... there is absolutely NO REASON I should be feeling this way.
Pastor Todd listened intently, nodding in all the right places, waiting for me to finish my diatribe. And then he tells me something amazing: everyone on leadership at our church has been feeling this way lately. EVERYONE. People have felt useless, worthless, desolate, and basically just attacked at every angle for the last several weeks. Pastor Todd encouraged me to see past my day and know that something BIG is happening, and this is just satan's way of trying to pull me out of the game, to make me stagnant or unmovable. He then asked if he could pray for me. "Absolutely! Yes, please."
And as he prayed for me, I was reminded of my place of influence within the church, of my place of importance in the Lord's plan, of my place of value in the Lord's eyes. It struck me suddenly that not all bad moods are coincidental. Not all bad days are just bad days. Sometimes it's much, much more than that. And so I decided to come up with a few ways to deal with bad moods:
1. Be Proactive.
Your bad attitude isn't going to change just because you want it to, or because you complain about it. Know this, and make a knowledgeable decision to change it. Even if you don't feel like it.
2. Pray.
Let yourself be comforted. But beyond that, let yourself be reminded of your value in the Lord. Be reminded of your level of influence in the people around you. See the bigger picture- not just this little snapshot of time. You're always ministering- even when you think no one is looking.
3. Talk To Someone.
About THEIR life. You've already whined or complained enough (it's okay- it's what we do). But allow yourself to be reminded that you're not the only person on the planet, and that other people are struggling, too.
4. Get Busy.
Go on a run. Pop in a work out dvd. Hit the gym. There's something to be said about sweat and those natural mood-boosters smart people call endorphins.
5. Breathe.
Just the sound of your own breath is cathartic and healing. It's constant, it's controllable. Yes, it sucks to have a bad day. Yes, it sucks to be stressed out. Yes, it sucks when things don't go your way, especially if it looked like it was going to happen for you. But you can still breathe. In 10 minutes, you can still breathe. At the end of this crappy day, or this rough trial, or this terrible time, you're still breathing, and God still loves you. Take comfort in that with a nice long, slow, deep, life-giving breath.
My day wasn't instantly better. Things didn't automatically start going my way. But utilizing these tools that I hadn't yet realized were constantly at my disposal gave me ownership of both my attitude and my actions concerning my attitude. Particularly when I was reminded of the bigger picture, and how my bad mood was just playing into the devil's hand.
I didn't have to remain negative, I didn't have to bring other people down with my annoyance or frustration. My behavior did NOT have to depend on how I felt. I could take steps to remind myself of TRUTH which is, at the end of the day, what we lean on. Not how we feel. Which includes our bad moods.
So I finally drag myself out of bed and open my bible and start to read for awhile. Figuring this might be an important day, I fill my prayer with pleas of strength, of patience, of the need to be a light, so please, please God, won't you make this bad mood disappear?
My prayer continued on my way to work. Let me be a light. Let me bring positive energy to the people I work with. Let me be a bright influence. Arriving at work, my bad mood pretends to disappear, and then attacks full-on as I walk through the door. I'm just so annoyed by everything! What is the DEAL?!
I make it through my shift and, because I'm really lucky and my church sits directly behind my place of work, I drive over and peek my head in to see if the pastor is around. I'm really frustrated, really annoyed, and really concerned that this mood isn't hitting the road. The senior pastor is gone, but the associate pastor is there. He asks what's up, and I relay my attitude and issues to him. It's not that anything bad has happened, I have no reason to be stressed out, there's nothing bad on my plate... there is absolutely NO REASON I should be feeling this way.
Pastor Todd listened intently, nodding in all the right places, waiting for me to finish my diatribe. And then he tells me something amazing: everyone on leadership at our church has been feeling this way lately. EVERYONE. People have felt useless, worthless, desolate, and basically just attacked at every angle for the last several weeks. Pastor Todd encouraged me to see past my day and know that something BIG is happening, and this is just satan's way of trying to pull me out of the game, to make me stagnant or unmovable. He then asked if he could pray for me. "Absolutely! Yes, please."
And as he prayed for me, I was reminded of my place of influence within the church, of my place of importance in the Lord's plan, of my place of value in the Lord's eyes. It struck me suddenly that not all bad moods are coincidental. Not all bad days are just bad days. Sometimes it's much, much more than that. And so I decided to come up with a few ways to deal with bad moods:
1. Be Proactive.
Your bad attitude isn't going to change just because you want it to, or because you complain about it. Know this, and make a knowledgeable decision to change it. Even if you don't feel like it.
2. Pray.
Let yourself be comforted. But beyond that, let yourself be reminded of your value in the Lord. Be reminded of your level of influence in the people around you. See the bigger picture- not just this little snapshot of time. You're always ministering- even when you think no one is looking.
3. Talk To Someone.
About THEIR life. You've already whined or complained enough (it's okay- it's what we do). But allow yourself to be reminded that you're not the only person on the planet, and that other people are struggling, too.
4. Get Busy.
Go on a run. Pop in a work out dvd. Hit the gym. There's something to be said about sweat and those natural mood-boosters smart people call endorphins.
5. Breathe.
Just the sound of your own breath is cathartic and healing. It's constant, it's controllable. Yes, it sucks to have a bad day. Yes, it sucks to be stressed out. Yes, it sucks when things don't go your way, especially if it looked like it was going to happen for you. But you can still breathe. In 10 minutes, you can still breathe. At the end of this crappy day, or this rough trial, or this terrible time, you're still breathing, and God still loves you. Take comfort in that with a nice long, slow, deep, life-giving breath.
My day wasn't instantly better. Things didn't automatically start going my way. But utilizing these tools that I hadn't yet realized were constantly at my disposal gave me ownership of both my attitude and my actions concerning my attitude. Particularly when I was reminded of the bigger picture, and how my bad mood was just playing into the devil's hand.
I didn't have to remain negative, I didn't have to bring other people down with my annoyance or frustration. My behavior did NOT have to depend on how I felt. I could take steps to remind myself of TRUTH which is, at the end of the day, what we lean on. Not how we feel. Which includes our bad moods.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Priorities
Last night we had 707, the youth service for my church. I'm obviously not "youth" anymore, but I'm a coach there and I go to build relationships, encourage, love, and build the kingdom of God.
Last night the service was about what kind of legacy you are going to leave when you die. I'd heard this information before, having taught this in my small group a week prior. But somehow things hit home a lot harder than I was prepared for.
The focus was less the legacy your parents left you and what you wanted to leave your children, and more what you were going to do with your life here that would continue impacting when you were gone.
We did this exercise on priorities- we were each given 5 tiny slips of paper on which to write our top 5 priorities. Not just any, but the TOPS. In no particular order I wrote my relationship with Christ/ministry, my physical health, success in whatever I end up doing, my relationship with friends/family, and being pursued/married, because I desire so deeply to have a ministry with my husband, to affect change in the world for the Lord with my husband. When I had finished writing my priorities, I felt pretty good with myself. Five priorities. Easily managed. And good ones, too! Important ones.
But then Pastor Todd asked us to take a good long look at our priorities, and throw one away. We didn't have time for all 5, so which one would we get rid of first?
Looking through my slips of paper, it was easy enough to toss the "being successful at whatever I do" first. My idea of success and God's idea of success are perhaps and probably two very different things, and as long as I am doing His work and the things He has called me to do, it doesn't matter if I see success. Sometimes we're just called to sow but not reap. That's ok.
Wow. 4 priorities. All super important. Maybe he's done asking us to toss them away... Nope. You don't have time for all 4 priorities. Get rid of another. Ooh. Which one?? These are all really important!! Taking a good, hard, long look, I finally toss away "physical health" because I'm thinking relationships are more important than anything else. I immediately regret this decision. What was I thinking? How important are relationships when your body is failing you because you haven't taken care of it? What's going to happen to those relationships when you die early from heart disease or adult-onset diabetes or some form of cancer that could have been prevented by a healthy diet and exercise? I ask if I can take my choice back...nope, can't. Sorry. Drat.
So, as I'm sure you know it's coming, Pastor Todd asks us to drop one more priority. I'm down to 3, which I think is enough to handle, but apparently it's not. Relationship with Christ/ministry, relationships with friends/family, and being pursued/married. I know I'm not about to toss Christ, but how can I choose between my dearest friends and the family that has been with me since birth, and my deepest desire? I sit looking at them for a long, long time...and finally toss my marriage. Relationships with friends and family is also a ministry, not that your relationship to your husband is not, but it's also not completely necessary. You choose marriage, it's not a marriage-or-nothing kind of life. You can make it through life without getting married. It happens all the time, and people not only survive, but they thrive, making huge strides for Christ with all their free time and resources. Not ideal, in my eyes, but absolutely possible, and if that's what I have to do in order to keep Christ #1 and Only One, then I can let go of my desires.
So I'm left with relationships with friends/family, and relationship with Christ & ministry. As you guessed, PTodd asks us to toss one more, since we clearly only have time for one priority. This is by far the easiest decision for me. I'm the first out of my seat and the first to the trash can to toss all my relationships, save one- Christ, and my obedience to Him. Nothing compares to this. Up to this point I was really struggling with which to let go of, but it turns out it doesn't matter what goes first or last. Only one thing remains: Christ. All else is unnecessary, just blessings...icing on the cake. I hold on to this last slip of paper as a reminder of how easy it is to remember what truly matters, what truly remains. My relationship with Christ, and what He is calling me to do in this life, away from Him for a short while. I reside on earth, He's waiting for me in heaven. I'm not saying He isn't with me wherever I go and whatever I do. But this is a temporary place, and it fades in the blink of an eye. I would love to be remembered for loving anyone and everyone more deeply than anyone else. But if that love does not point to Christ, what good is it? I would love to be remembered for caring for and caring about anyone and everyone I cross paths with, but if that encouragement, compassion, and hospitality doesn't point to Christ, what does it matter? I can focus my efforts and my energy on making sure people remember ME, or I can focus my efforts and energy on making sure people know and remember CHRIST.
This was a really emotional service for me. It hit me really deeply. I've been struggling more lately with my priorities and where my attention should be spent. My devotions have all been about this same idea, which is not in any way coincidental- I needed the reminder. "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you." Of course I would love to be successful in my ministry, in my relationships, in my family. Of course my physical health is really important to me, and I can't imagine living without yoga, dance, soccer, running... Of course, my relationships to my friends and family are SO important, and worthy of time and energy. Of COURSE I desire so deeply to be pursued by the man of my dreams, a man I can minister with, a man I can build the kingdom of God with. ...But if none of these things are added to me, I still have Christ.
And that's enough.
Last night the service was about what kind of legacy you are going to leave when you die. I'd heard this information before, having taught this in my small group a week prior. But somehow things hit home a lot harder than I was prepared for.
The focus was less the legacy your parents left you and what you wanted to leave your children, and more what you were going to do with your life here that would continue impacting when you were gone.
We did this exercise on priorities- we were each given 5 tiny slips of paper on which to write our top 5 priorities. Not just any, but the TOPS. In no particular order I wrote my relationship with Christ/ministry, my physical health, success in whatever I end up doing, my relationship with friends/family, and being pursued/married, because I desire so deeply to have a ministry with my husband, to affect change in the world for the Lord with my husband. When I had finished writing my priorities, I felt pretty good with myself. Five priorities. Easily managed. And good ones, too! Important ones.
But then Pastor Todd asked us to take a good long look at our priorities, and throw one away. We didn't have time for all 5, so which one would we get rid of first?
Looking through my slips of paper, it was easy enough to toss the "being successful at whatever I do" first. My idea of success and God's idea of success are perhaps and probably two very different things, and as long as I am doing His work and the things He has called me to do, it doesn't matter if I see success. Sometimes we're just called to sow but not reap. That's ok.
Wow. 4 priorities. All super important. Maybe he's done asking us to toss them away... Nope. You don't have time for all 4 priorities. Get rid of another. Ooh. Which one?? These are all really important!! Taking a good, hard, long look, I finally toss away "physical health" because I'm thinking relationships are more important than anything else. I immediately regret this decision. What was I thinking? How important are relationships when your body is failing you because you haven't taken care of it? What's going to happen to those relationships when you die early from heart disease or adult-onset diabetes or some form of cancer that could have been prevented by a healthy diet and exercise? I ask if I can take my choice back...nope, can't. Sorry. Drat.
So, as I'm sure you know it's coming, Pastor Todd asks us to drop one more priority. I'm down to 3, which I think is enough to handle, but apparently it's not. Relationship with Christ/ministry, relationships with friends/family, and being pursued/married. I know I'm not about to toss Christ, but how can I choose between my dearest friends and the family that has been with me since birth, and my deepest desire? I sit looking at them for a long, long time...and finally toss my marriage. Relationships with friends and family is also a ministry, not that your relationship to your husband is not, but it's also not completely necessary. You choose marriage, it's not a marriage-or-nothing kind of life. You can make it through life without getting married. It happens all the time, and people not only survive, but they thrive, making huge strides for Christ with all their free time and resources. Not ideal, in my eyes, but absolutely possible, and if that's what I have to do in order to keep Christ #1 and Only One, then I can let go of my desires.
So I'm left with relationships with friends/family, and relationship with Christ & ministry. As you guessed, PTodd asks us to toss one more, since we clearly only have time for one priority. This is by far the easiest decision for me. I'm the first out of my seat and the first to the trash can to toss all my relationships, save one- Christ, and my obedience to Him. Nothing compares to this. Up to this point I was really struggling with which to let go of, but it turns out it doesn't matter what goes first or last. Only one thing remains: Christ. All else is unnecessary, just blessings...icing on the cake. I hold on to this last slip of paper as a reminder of how easy it is to remember what truly matters, what truly remains. My relationship with Christ, and what He is calling me to do in this life, away from Him for a short while. I reside on earth, He's waiting for me in heaven. I'm not saying He isn't with me wherever I go and whatever I do. But this is a temporary place, and it fades in the blink of an eye. I would love to be remembered for loving anyone and everyone more deeply than anyone else. But if that love does not point to Christ, what good is it? I would love to be remembered for caring for and caring about anyone and everyone I cross paths with, but if that encouragement, compassion, and hospitality doesn't point to Christ, what does it matter? I can focus my efforts and my energy on making sure people remember ME, or I can focus my efforts and energy on making sure people know and remember CHRIST.
This was a really emotional service for me. It hit me really deeply. I've been struggling more lately with my priorities and where my attention should be spent. My devotions have all been about this same idea, which is not in any way coincidental- I needed the reminder. "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you." Of course I would love to be successful in my ministry, in my relationships, in my family. Of course my physical health is really important to me, and I can't imagine living without yoga, dance, soccer, running... Of course, my relationships to my friends and family are SO important, and worthy of time and energy. Of COURSE I desire so deeply to be pursued by the man of my dreams, a man I can minister with, a man I can build the kingdom of God with. ...But if none of these things are added to me, I still have Christ.
And that's enough.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Cherished
Tonight I had the great opportunity, challenge, and blessing to participate in a ministry for women who work in strip clubs. This was my second time participating, and I must say it was infinitely easier and less terrifying than the first time I went.
The first time I was asked to go I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into. Furthermore, I was not in the Word, and I was NOT steeling myself with prayer and intercession. On top of that, apparently there were some very big issues from my past, both recent and childhood, that I had NOT dealt with and which, unfortunately, would affect me in a very big way during this first outing. Before we even arrived at the club I was already driven to tears. I sucked it up long enough to walk in, feel uncomfortable, terrified, and overwhelmingly inadequate during our half hour there, and then make it back to the car before bursting into tears once more. It did not go well for me that first visit. I struggled to make conversation, I struggled to ignore the male customers, I struggled to connect in any way with any one. It was by all definitions... rough.
Trial #2. The woman in charge of this ministry, Jessie, called me yesterday to ask if I would consider going with her to the club this month. I told her, very maturely I believe, that I would think and pray on it, and get back with her later in the evening. I spent a LOT of time in scripture, and a LOT of time in prayer. By that evening I still didn't know if I could do it, but I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to. I am called to ministry, I am called to love on the world, and that includes going places where people are hurting, even when it's uncomfortable or scary for me. Jessie ended up texting me to ask if I had decided, and I said yes. Unflinchingly. Scared, but confident that the Lord would go before us, and make a way. I can put myself aside and go where there is need.
So this morning when I woke up, I started praying. I continued all through my day at work, on my run afterward, during my down time right before I had to meet Jessie. Praying for clarity, for compassion, for the right words in the moment, for peace, for courage... I think I might have prayed for just about everything I could possibly have asked from the Lord. When I showed up at Jessie's house, all the fear and timidity rushed back, almost knocking me over. I sat quietly on her couch while she finished the cards for the girls, we made small talk as she allowed me to help finish their gifts. And then she started asking the tough questions: what are your concerns about tonight? do you have any questions? do you want to talk about anything before we go? I had to be honest. I shared my real concerns, my genuine fears, as humbling and humiliating as they felt. Jessie listened quietly, nodding with empathy, letting me talk it all out. She then shared her vision of this ministry... and it was full of the Lord's power, and His protection, and His desire for these girls to be shown genuine love and kindness, and healthy communication. As she spoke these words I just felt myself being anointed. I felt the Lord's power and protection surrounding us, and I knew He had given me the courage to GO.
So we went. We prayed and we went. And it was AMAZING. We carried armloads of gifts and cookies for the girls and the staff, greeting everyone we met. The first two girls we spoke to were surprisingly open and smiling, talking to us about their children, their pets, their other jobs. I suddenly had so much clarity, and so much to say! I bantered easily with them, finding out new and interesting things about them, laughing and smiling with them. It was really lovely. When they started talking about their kids in particular, I felt they were sharing something very personal and special to them, and I knew the Lord was smiling. Of course He had gone before us. Of course He was going to protect us. Of course He had magical and powerful things in store, and all He wanted was a willingness to go.
We spoke with two other girls in that room, and they were slow to speak or share, but talk they did. It was a shorter conversation, but I could feel the Lord working there as well.
We went to the dressing room to drop the gifts off and met, I think, 6 other women there. A few of them were chatty and welcoming, but many looked worn out, stressed out, angry, and heart-broken. It was a real eye-opener compared to the girls already out on the floor, most of whom had already steeled themselves in preparation for the night. I heard some really tragic stories in that dressing room, and because Jessie is who she is, and has been coming to this club for nearly 2 years now, the girls trusted her and opened up to her pretty immediately about some very deep issues they were dealing with. It was as if a light had walked into their midst and they just wanted any part of it they could get. It was remarkable the way many of them just threw their problems at her, because they knew she would be empathetic, understanding, and compassionate. And just watching her listen to those girls, look directly into their eyes, and hug them tightly showed me what true compassion and love really looks like.
The girls I met tonight were an incredible reminder of how much the world is hurting. Of how much the world needs... desperately needs... compassion and love and mercy. And how much the Lord needs a willingness to go.
Everyone has a story. We aren't always the clothes we wear, the attitude we put on, the face we create. It's so easy to judge a book by its cover: you got yourself into this mess, get yourself out; look at him, he's so sad, he probably can't do anything for himself; look at those clothes, she's just asking for it; or my personal favorite- I don't care, I have my own problems to deal with. We all have scars. We all are more than what we seem. And if you aren't willing to go, if you aren't willing to cast yourself aside, if you aren't willing to learn to love beyond your own means, who will?
The power of the Lord is an immense thing to behold. He goes before us, He goes with us. Who can stand against the Lord?
The first time I was asked to go I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into. Furthermore, I was not in the Word, and I was NOT steeling myself with prayer and intercession. On top of that, apparently there were some very big issues from my past, both recent and childhood, that I had NOT dealt with and which, unfortunately, would affect me in a very big way during this first outing. Before we even arrived at the club I was already driven to tears. I sucked it up long enough to walk in, feel uncomfortable, terrified, and overwhelmingly inadequate during our half hour there, and then make it back to the car before bursting into tears once more. It did not go well for me that first visit. I struggled to make conversation, I struggled to ignore the male customers, I struggled to connect in any way with any one. It was by all definitions... rough.
Trial #2. The woman in charge of this ministry, Jessie, called me yesterday to ask if I would consider going with her to the club this month. I told her, very maturely I believe, that I would think and pray on it, and get back with her later in the evening. I spent a LOT of time in scripture, and a LOT of time in prayer. By that evening I still didn't know if I could do it, but I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to. I am called to ministry, I am called to love on the world, and that includes going places where people are hurting, even when it's uncomfortable or scary for me. Jessie ended up texting me to ask if I had decided, and I said yes. Unflinchingly. Scared, but confident that the Lord would go before us, and make a way. I can put myself aside and go where there is need.
So this morning when I woke up, I started praying. I continued all through my day at work, on my run afterward, during my down time right before I had to meet Jessie. Praying for clarity, for compassion, for the right words in the moment, for peace, for courage... I think I might have prayed for just about everything I could possibly have asked from the Lord. When I showed up at Jessie's house, all the fear and timidity rushed back, almost knocking me over. I sat quietly on her couch while she finished the cards for the girls, we made small talk as she allowed me to help finish their gifts. And then she started asking the tough questions: what are your concerns about tonight? do you have any questions? do you want to talk about anything before we go? I had to be honest. I shared my real concerns, my genuine fears, as humbling and humiliating as they felt. Jessie listened quietly, nodding with empathy, letting me talk it all out. She then shared her vision of this ministry... and it was full of the Lord's power, and His protection, and His desire for these girls to be shown genuine love and kindness, and healthy communication. As she spoke these words I just felt myself being anointed. I felt the Lord's power and protection surrounding us, and I knew He had given me the courage to GO.
So we went. We prayed and we went. And it was AMAZING. We carried armloads of gifts and cookies for the girls and the staff, greeting everyone we met. The first two girls we spoke to were surprisingly open and smiling, talking to us about their children, their pets, their other jobs. I suddenly had so much clarity, and so much to say! I bantered easily with them, finding out new and interesting things about them, laughing and smiling with them. It was really lovely. When they started talking about their kids in particular, I felt they were sharing something very personal and special to them, and I knew the Lord was smiling. Of course He had gone before us. Of course He was going to protect us. Of course He had magical and powerful things in store, and all He wanted was a willingness to go.
We spoke with two other girls in that room, and they were slow to speak or share, but talk they did. It was a shorter conversation, but I could feel the Lord working there as well.
We went to the dressing room to drop the gifts off and met, I think, 6 other women there. A few of them were chatty and welcoming, but many looked worn out, stressed out, angry, and heart-broken. It was a real eye-opener compared to the girls already out on the floor, most of whom had already steeled themselves in preparation for the night. I heard some really tragic stories in that dressing room, and because Jessie is who she is, and has been coming to this club for nearly 2 years now, the girls trusted her and opened up to her pretty immediately about some very deep issues they were dealing with. It was as if a light had walked into their midst and they just wanted any part of it they could get. It was remarkable the way many of them just threw their problems at her, because they knew she would be empathetic, understanding, and compassionate. And just watching her listen to those girls, look directly into their eyes, and hug them tightly showed me what true compassion and love really looks like.
The girls I met tonight were an incredible reminder of how much the world is hurting. Of how much the world needs... desperately needs... compassion and love and mercy. And how much the Lord needs a willingness to go.
Everyone has a story. We aren't always the clothes we wear, the attitude we put on, the face we create. It's so easy to judge a book by its cover: you got yourself into this mess, get yourself out; look at him, he's so sad, he probably can't do anything for himself; look at those clothes, she's just asking for it; or my personal favorite- I don't care, I have my own problems to deal with. We all have scars. We all are more than what we seem. And if you aren't willing to go, if you aren't willing to cast yourself aside, if you aren't willing to learn to love beyond your own means, who will?
The power of the Lord is an immense thing to behold. He goes before us, He goes with us. Who can stand against the Lord?
Saturday, October 22, 2011
My First 5K!
This morning I ran my first official 5K. It was for EKU's Homecoming, and it was incredible. The day didn't start out well, however.
I woke up super early, which was unfortunate since I didn't get to sleep until late the night before. When I woke up, however, the sun was streaming through my window...all signs pointing toward greatness. I was encouraged to walk to the registration area, since the road might be closed due to the upcoming parade (following directly after the start of the 5K). So I walked. And walked. And walked and walked and walked. Speedily. We aren't talking leisurely stroll. I had somewhere to be! Nearly a mile and a half later, I finally get there. "Is this where we pick up our numbers for the 5K?" The reply: "No, sorry. It's at the other gym." AWESOME. I am not happy. I'm really, really frustrated, and really, really concerned that I'm going to be too tired to finish the run.
But after another quarter mile walk, I arrive at the actual registration site, get my number and my sweet shirt, and run downstairs to the locker rooms to change. Well...the shirt was a medium. In most cases this is no problem, because shirts run small usually. However, this particular shirt was HUGE. Absolutely enormous. It actually looked like a dress. So, I'm already tired AND I'm running in a dress. This stinks. Luckily, my running buddy Casey is THE most selfless, caring, considerate person on the planet and graciously offered her small shirt in exchange for my medium. Realizing how selfish this is of me to accept, I do so anyway, under her encouragement that she wouldn't wear the shirt after today anyway (yeah right, Casey...but you're too incredible to let me feel bad, so you lie anyway. Lovely girl).
So finally we both arrive at the starting line (another quarter mile away), to be greeted by tons of friends, smiles, and well-wishers. We get a few minutes of quick stretching in, and the race is on! I didn't realize we would be running on the roads, and in front of a parade, so the entire town had filed out to watch the whole thing. We ran past hundreds and hundreds of people, all clapping and cheering. It was really encouraging, and somewhat distracting, and I got a little more winded in the first mile and a half than I would have liked. But it was really cool to run in front of a crowd, and to hear people cheering us on. Unexpected, and really official-feeling.
We ran up SO MANY HILLS. And they were STEEP. It was rough. I really hoped to finish the run without walking at all, but around the mile and 3/4 mark, when we were literally running up the side of Mount Everest, I needed a break. I made it to the top, and then Casey and I walked (quickly) for a few seconds so I could catch my breath. I felt a little disappointed, but then I thought of the 2 miles I speed-walked directly before the race and I let that comfort me a little.
Casey and I walked twice more, for a very short amount of time, and finished the run in 37:07. Not too bad considering. We were greeted with water and oranges, and high fives all around from friends who finished before us. It was an incredible experience. I'm so grateful I had the opportunity and courage to participate. It was a big step for me, and I'm so thankful to have friends who can encourage and push me past where I think I can go. What a day.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Update, Schmupdate
Wow. Life is CRAZY. And AMAZING. So much has been going on!
This blog started as a record of my journey toward finding a career, or at least figuring out what I'm doing with my life right now, so I'll start out with an update on my job: I recently had an informal interview to become a Service Professional at Red Lobster. Basically I'd be doing the same thing I do anyway on weekend nights, I would just have more authority to help other servers out with issues in the dining room, rowdy tables, and messed up checks. I don't want to become a manager with this company, because I'm called to other things, but I'm definitely going to stay with this company until I find a full-time position at a church as a Girls' Minister. Red Lobster is huge and I can travel anywhere I need to go and still have a job. I'm hoping to hear back, and positively, soon.
In the area of yoga, amazing things are happening. My students are growing in leaps and bounds, breaking down physical and emotional boundaries more and more every week. Poses are becoming more accessible to them, and to myself, as I continue growing along with them. Admittedly, I'm not taking classes enough for myself, having a schedule that rivals the President's, but I'm still working as often as I can. My students can't grow if their teacher is not growing.
As most of you know, I've been running off and on since this past spring. Well...more off than on if I'm completely honest with myself. There is a loop around campus from my house that measures 2.2 miles. My roomie and I used to run it every once and awhile, and my bestie and I got into a really sweet habit of walking it every other night this summer. But I haven't really been faithful in continuing to train. I started running with my friend Casey 2-3 times a week, just to have an opportunity to hang out with her. The farthest I could ever go was just over 2 miles, and that was a streeettttccchhhh. I decided to go ahead and sign up to run the EKU Homecoming 5K, because...well... why not? It's only 3.1 miles. Since signing up for it, our schedules have gotten completely overwhelming, and we haven't had a chance to run together in 2 weeks. Earlier this week, after having taken 10 whole days off, I decided I'd give it another go. The 5K is this weekend, I should at least attempt to run a little. I started at 2 1/2 miles. I thought I'd conquered the world. My elation was unparalleled. After work, two days later, I threw on my running shoes and hit the pavement. I was back at my old loop, thinking I'll just run this 2.2 and be finished for the day. A little less than a quarter mile from home, I felt God asking me to just keep going. What was I going to lose? "Yes, Lord." And so I did. I just kept going! And 53 minutes, 41 seconds and 4.66 miles later, I was finished. 4.66 MILES!! Unbelievable!! It really is a mental game. Once I hit the 2 mile mark, the world is mine! I feel SO good about myself, and SO good about my first official 5K (which rocks my world tomorrow). Breaking down walls one step at a time!
It's also gotten cold enough that I've taken up my favorite wintry activity: knitting and crocheting! I feel complete again. So far this month I've completed 4 slouchy hats, and started work on a new pair of mittens. Also, I started a stitching group for the women of my church. We meet every other Thursday at a local coffee shop for 2 1/2 hours to talk, laugh, enjoy being outside our homes and, of course, get our winter projects finished. I know I'm such a grandma, but it brings me so much joy!
Speaking of church, you know we've been on a 3 week rotation interpreter-wise (2 weeks on, 1 week off), and I've really struggled with it. I hate not interpreting every week. This is the first time in 7 years I've sat through a service without signing anything at all, and it stinks. BUT it's given me an incredible opportunity to volunteer elsewhere in church on my week off. I've become a greeter! Ha, never thought I'd go there. But, indeed, I have. On my week off, which is my week of greeting, I go to both services, hand out things, hold doors open, and just in general welcome people to church. Beyond that, it's given me the opportunity to meet new people. As an interpreter, I spend 100% of my time near or on the stage. The first thing I do when I show up is run to the sanctuary to meet with the other interpreter, figure out who is doing what, and greet the Deaf member(s). Then we spend the whole service interpreting under lights that DO NOT allow you to see past the first row, and after the service I spend 20 minutes getting feedback from the other interpreter(s) and Deaf member(s). So by the time I make it back out to the lobby everyone is gone. I didn't realize how much my eyes have been shut to the other members of my church. Having the opportunity to stand at a door and say hello to everyone has been such an awesome blessing. I've met more people in my church in one week of greeting than in an entire year of interpreting. I get to greet again this coming Sunday. And while I'll miss interpreting, I greatly look forward to meeting more new friends, and seeing old ones.
Also, after church we've been going to my pastor's house for lunch (all college-aged students...and some a little older......me......), and that has morphed into an in-depth discussion of relationships, dating, singlehood, and the innards of male and female thought and behavior. We affectionately call it Table Talk, because it started around a table in the kitchen one random Sunday afternoon.
Further, after that's all said and done, a small portion from this group have gone out to the local park to play ultimate frisbee and soccer the last several Sundays followed by, of course, more eating. It's been SUCH JOY to play soccer again! I've lost any resemblance to skill I once had, and ALL my endurance, but I LOVE IT. I'm devastated that winter's a'comin' and soccer will most likely have to be put on the backburner until it warms up. But I could definitely be up for a Snow Cup or two.
In conclusion...I have so much to be thankful for. I lead such an incredibly blessed, joyful life. Shame on me for complaining about dumb, impermanent things. So what if I have a rough day? So what if things don't go my way? The Lord is a pursuer, and He shows me daily that He thinks I'm lovely enough to invest in, again and again and again, even if I'm blind to what He's doing. May I never lose sight of the small, incredible things the Lord does to tell me He loves me.
Currently watching: a Friends marathon.
This blog started as a record of my journey toward finding a career, or at least figuring out what I'm doing with my life right now, so I'll start out with an update on my job: I recently had an informal interview to become a Service Professional at Red Lobster. Basically I'd be doing the same thing I do anyway on weekend nights, I would just have more authority to help other servers out with issues in the dining room, rowdy tables, and messed up checks. I don't want to become a manager with this company, because I'm called to other things, but I'm definitely going to stay with this company until I find a full-time position at a church as a Girls' Minister. Red Lobster is huge and I can travel anywhere I need to go and still have a job. I'm hoping to hear back, and positively, soon.
In the area of yoga, amazing things are happening. My students are growing in leaps and bounds, breaking down physical and emotional boundaries more and more every week. Poses are becoming more accessible to them, and to myself, as I continue growing along with them. Admittedly, I'm not taking classes enough for myself, having a schedule that rivals the President's, but I'm still working as often as I can. My students can't grow if their teacher is not growing.
As most of you know, I've been running off and on since this past spring. Well...more off than on if I'm completely honest with myself. There is a loop around campus from my house that measures 2.2 miles. My roomie and I used to run it every once and awhile, and my bestie and I got into a really sweet habit of walking it every other night this summer. But I haven't really been faithful in continuing to train. I started running with my friend Casey 2-3 times a week, just to have an opportunity to hang out with her. The farthest I could ever go was just over 2 miles, and that was a streeettttccchhhh. I decided to go ahead and sign up to run the EKU Homecoming 5K, because...well... why not? It's only 3.1 miles. Since signing up for it, our schedules have gotten completely overwhelming, and we haven't had a chance to run together in 2 weeks. Earlier this week, after having taken 10 whole days off, I decided I'd give it another go. The 5K is this weekend, I should at least attempt to run a little. I started at 2 1/2 miles. I thought I'd conquered the world. My elation was unparalleled. After work, two days later, I threw on my running shoes and hit the pavement. I was back at my old loop, thinking I'll just run this 2.2 and be finished for the day. A little less than a quarter mile from home, I felt God asking me to just keep going. What was I going to lose? "Yes, Lord." And so I did. I just kept going! And 53 minutes, 41 seconds and 4.66 miles later, I was finished. 4.66 MILES!! Unbelievable!! It really is a mental game. Once I hit the 2 mile mark, the world is mine! I feel SO good about myself, and SO good about my first official 5K (which rocks my world tomorrow). Breaking down walls one step at a time!
It's also gotten cold enough that I've taken up my favorite wintry activity: knitting and crocheting! I feel complete again. So far this month I've completed 4 slouchy hats, and started work on a new pair of mittens. Also, I started a stitching group for the women of my church. We meet every other Thursday at a local coffee shop for 2 1/2 hours to talk, laugh, enjoy being outside our homes and, of course, get our winter projects finished. I know I'm such a grandma, but it brings me so much joy!
Speaking of church, you know we've been on a 3 week rotation interpreter-wise (2 weeks on, 1 week off), and I've really struggled with it. I hate not interpreting every week. This is the first time in 7 years I've sat through a service without signing anything at all, and it stinks. BUT it's given me an incredible opportunity to volunteer elsewhere in church on my week off. I've become a greeter! Ha, never thought I'd go there. But, indeed, I have. On my week off, which is my week of greeting, I go to both services, hand out things, hold doors open, and just in general welcome people to church. Beyond that, it's given me the opportunity to meet new people. As an interpreter, I spend 100% of my time near or on the stage. The first thing I do when I show up is run to the sanctuary to meet with the other interpreter, figure out who is doing what, and greet the Deaf member(s). Then we spend the whole service interpreting under lights that DO NOT allow you to see past the first row, and after the service I spend 20 minutes getting feedback from the other interpreter(s) and Deaf member(s). So by the time I make it back out to the lobby everyone is gone. I didn't realize how much my eyes have been shut to the other members of my church. Having the opportunity to stand at a door and say hello to everyone has been such an awesome blessing. I've met more people in my church in one week of greeting than in an entire year of interpreting. I get to greet again this coming Sunday. And while I'll miss interpreting, I greatly look forward to meeting more new friends, and seeing old ones.
Also, after church we've been going to my pastor's house for lunch (all college-aged students...and some a little older......me......), and that has morphed into an in-depth discussion of relationships, dating, singlehood, and the innards of male and female thought and behavior. We affectionately call it Table Talk, because it started around a table in the kitchen one random Sunday afternoon.
Further, after that's all said and done, a small portion from this group have gone out to the local park to play ultimate frisbee and soccer the last several Sundays followed by, of course, more eating. It's been SUCH JOY to play soccer again! I've lost any resemblance to skill I once had, and ALL my endurance, but I LOVE IT. I'm devastated that winter's a'comin' and soccer will most likely have to be put on the backburner until it warms up. But I could definitely be up for a Snow Cup or two.
In conclusion...I have so much to be thankful for. I lead such an incredibly blessed, joyful life. Shame on me for complaining about dumb, impermanent things. So what if I have a rough day? So what if things don't go my way? The Lord is a pursuer, and He shows me daily that He thinks I'm lovely enough to invest in, again and again and again, even if I'm blind to what He's doing. May I never lose sight of the small, incredible things the Lord does to tell me He loves me.
Currently watching: a Friends marathon.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Growth
Praise the Lord for second chances: the chance to grow... the belief in me that I CAN grow, that I have potential.
This has been an incredible autumn so far! I have been challenged, uncomfortable, pushed past my personal boundaries, encouraged past my limitations. It's been beautiful.
My best friend in the whole world and I have been co-leading a small group of college women for our church. It's been a real eye-opener for me in terms of what I am called to do, what that looks like, and how I need to throw everything else to the wind and, finally, run after the Lord. Sarah and I have always held each other accountable for our words, our actions, even our very thoughts. But since we've started leading these women, we've been encouraged to go beyond even that into discipling each other, challenging each other, and building each other up even more than we already have. She's always been my Paul, and I her Timothy, but that relationship has become even stronger, even more blessed, than I could ever have imagined a friendship could be. I am so, so lucky to have her in my life.
Beyond even Sarah, I have started being mentored and discipled by my pastor's wife. Janice is one of the most Godly women I've ever met, she is sure of who she is in the Lord, she is sure of her role in the lives of her husband and children, and she is confident of her role in the lives of the people who live and work around her. She has started speaking truth into my life in a way that I have yearned for since I was a young teenager. A woman who can remind and affirm my own grace, strength, beauty, and wisdom. Every girl needs that kind of truth spoken into her life. When I spend time with Janice, when I call on her wisdom, when I admit my deep-seated fears and my heart's deepest desires... she speaks courage and healing into my soul in a way I've never before experienced. I can physically feel the holes in my heart being patched, the ragged edges of my soul being sewn back together. I am more than blessed.
Through the wisdom, support, and love of these two beloved women in my life, I have become stronger than I ever thought possible. I have been able to stand up for myself in very uncomfortable situations, I have not shrunk away from opposition or confrontation, I have been affirmed and assured of my worth and value. I can do anything. If the Lord calls a man into my life, I can rest assured he will know and value my worth as well, that he will pursue me the way my heart yearns to be pursued, and I will not allow myself to be walked over or taken for granted, as I've done so easily again and again in my past. And if the Lord calls me to be single, I am strong enough to do just that, loving on and caring for everyone who comes into my path, but in a different way. I know I can handle whatever is thrown my way. The Lord promises that He is WITH me, and will never, ever leave. He is all I need. Everything else is just undeserved blessings.
This has been an incredible autumn so far! I have been challenged, uncomfortable, pushed past my personal boundaries, encouraged past my limitations. It's been beautiful.
My best friend in the whole world and I have been co-leading a small group of college women for our church. It's been a real eye-opener for me in terms of what I am called to do, what that looks like, and how I need to throw everything else to the wind and, finally, run after the Lord. Sarah and I have always held each other accountable for our words, our actions, even our very thoughts. But since we've started leading these women, we've been encouraged to go beyond even that into discipling each other, challenging each other, and building each other up even more than we already have. She's always been my Paul, and I her Timothy, but that relationship has become even stronger, even more blessed, than I could ever have imagined a friendship could be. I am so, so lucky to have her in my life.
Beyond even Sarah, I have started being mentored and discipled by my pastor's wife. Janice is one of the most Godly women I've ever met, she is sure of who she is in the Lord, she is sure of her role in the lives of her husband and children, and she is confident of her role in the lives of the people who live and work around her. She has started speaking truth into my life in a way that I have yearned for since I was a young teenager. A woman who can remind and affirm my own grace, strength, beauty, and wisdom. Every girl needs that kind of truth spoken into her life. When I spend time with Janice, when I call on her wisdom, when I admit my deep-seated fears and my heart's deepest desires... she speaks courage and healing into my soul in a way I've never before experienced. I can physically feel the holes in my heart being patched, the ragged edges of my soul being sewn back together. I am more than blessed.
Through the wisdom, support, and love of these two beloved women in my life, I have become stronger than I ever thought possible. I have been able to stand up for myself in very uncomfortable situations, I have not shrunk away from opposition or confrontation, I have been affirmed and assured of my worth and value. I can do anything. If the Lord calls a man into my life, I can rest assured he will know and value my worth as well, that he will pursue me the way my heart yearns to be pursued, and I will not allow myself to be walked over or taken for granted, as I've done so easily again and again in my past. And if the Lord calls me to be single, I am strong enough to do just that, loving on and caring for everyone who comes into my path, but in a different way. I know I can handle whatever is thrown my way. The Lord promises that He is WITH me, and will never, ever leave. He is all I need. Everything else is just undeserved blessings.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Ideas For Ministry
I had coffee with a girl in my small group this morning, and it was an amazing time just to hear what's going on in her life, with school, friends, her relationship with the Lord, etc.. Amidst all this time of listening, I was overwhelmed with SO many ideas for ministry with my church! As we all know, I get super excited about tons of new and different ideas, and then...somehow...they fall apart. Whether because of circumstances, my own personal laziness, or it just not working out for some random reason. I figured if I wrote them all down in a blog, I"ll remember them all, and I"ll be more likely not to allow my own personal laziness and lack of initiative to be at fault. So here goes:
*A knitting/crocheting group for the women in my church- we'll meet at a local coffee shop every other week through the fall and winter months, to talk, laugh, listen, and work on all our wintry stitching projects.
*Coffee chats weekly with girls in my small group
*Ballroom dance lessons for girls in college/high school, maybe monthly? I'm not sure of this idea, or when I would start it, but it's something I've been asked about in the past, and is very much a sought-after activity by women in these age groups.
*Yoga classes for women in my church? Maybe? Just because I love it SO much, and I want other people to love it, too. Not sure how well this will go over, though...
*Meditation Workshops for local churches, specifically my own church. To teach people how to control their thoughts and emotions, so their prayers aren't one big run-on sentence that slowly drifts in and out of focus. Someone once said prayer is the act of talking to God, and meditation is the act of listening to God. Even the Bible tells us to "Meditate daily."
*Get involved in high school youth group ministry, particularly with the girls. Maybe teach a high school girl bible study?
*Continue leading college women small groups through my church.
*Get my masters in psychology and counseling, so I can become a family and marriage counselor, hopefully full-time with a church, as well as becoming a Girls' Minister. (This is my favorite, favorite one)
These are all I have for now, but be looking for updates and additions. I'm so excited about the powerful plans the Lord has for us!!
*A knitting/crocheting group for the women in my church- we'll meet at a local coffee shop every other week through the fall and winter months, to talk, laugh, listen, and work on all our wintry stitching projects.
*Coffee chats weekly with girls in my small group
*Ballroom dance lessons for girls in college/high school, maybe monthly? I'm not sure of this idea, or when I would start it, but it's something I've been asked about in the past, and is very much a sought-after activity by women in these age groups.
*Yoga classes for women in my church? Maybe? Just because I love it SO much, and I want other people to love it, too. Not sure how well this will go over, though...
*Meditation Workshops for local churches, specifically my own church. To teach people how to control their thoughts and emotions, so their prayers aren't one big run-on sentence that slowly drifts in and out of focus. Someone once said prayer is the act of talking to God, and meditation is the act of listening to God. Even the Bible tells us to "Meditate daily."
*Get involved in high school youth group ministry, particularly with the girls. Maybe teach a high school girl bible study?
*Continue leading college women small groups through my church.
*Get my masters in psychology and counseling, so I can become a family and marriage counselor, hopefully full-time with a church, as well as becoming a Girls' Minister. (This is my favorite, favorite one)
These are all I have for now, but be looking for updates and additions. I'm so excited about the powerful plans the Lord has for us!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Thirst and Counseling
Wow! A lot has happened in the days since I last posted. My bestie Sarah and I have begun leading a small group for our church. Since the Bible study we're doing currently is entitled "Thirst," during our first meeting we decorated big wine goblets with our names and pretty designs- we plan on featuring a different beverage for the girls to enjoy every week. Our first beverage was this yummy raspberry sherbert wedding punch- mm mmmm!!
Also, I had a meeting with my awesome pastor and his wife (who, have I mentioned, are AWESOME) this morning about where my life is headed and how to attack these goals. As you know, I want to get my masters in counseling, and they believe in that for me, which is an incredible show of support and faith for me. They brought to my attention how much cheaper getting my degree at a state school would be, and how it would open more doors than going to seminary would. Especially because I don't want to be a "biblical counselor," I want to be a counselor who knows Truth and draws FROM the Bible. Also, if I go to seminary, it only opens doors to Christian counseling which, while that is, indeed, the kind of counseling I want to do, until I find a church that can pay a full-time counselor on staff, I'll need to work in different places. This seems like one big run-on thought... but I'm slowly working through all these things. Maybe I'll stay here and go back to my alma mater? They do have a grad program in psychology/counseling. AND last night in my Power Yoga class, an old friend showed up whom I haven't seen in almost a year- she was suddenly back to school to pursue HER masters in psychology and counseling AT our alma mater! CRAZY! So...I'm still not quite sure what I'm going to do, but I am finally at the point where I know I have to do something. Pastor Joe said this morning that he hears so often from people that they're waiting for the "rock from heaven" to fall and show them where to go or what to do. He said I needed to move... to walk....to just get started, and the Lord would nudge me in the right direction. It's much easier to steer a rolling stone than get it started. So I suppose it's time to start...rolling.
Something else very...coincidental...happened recently. High School Girls Ministry has been something laid on my heart for a very, very long time. Not getting involved in the youth group is the one great regret I have from my last church. I was told very recently that while our church is now looking for a full-time Youth Minister, they have college-aged students- leaders- who hang out with the youth group, go on trips with them, and hang with them during the Wednesday service, etc... but right now they only have male students helping out. They have absolutely no female help. Calling my name, maybe?! The problem is that I teach yoga Wednesday nights from 4:30-9, and their youth group meets at 7 pm. Well, I thought this was strangely coincidental, so I talked to my boss about it, told her everything I felt for so long, and how strange all these coincidental things seem...and her FIRST response was, "Then we'll work it out, babe. If this is your path, we'll make it work." How lovely is she!!
So, again, I'm not totally positive what's going to happen, or where I'm going to go...or stay... but I am SO excited to get the ball rolling...no pun intended... and see what awesome plans the Lord is very clearly pursuing me to show me!
Currently watching: a Friends marathon!
Also, I had a meeting with my awesome pastor and his wife (who, have I mentioned, are AWESOME) this morning about where my life is headed and how to attack these goals. As you know, I want to get my masters in counseling, and they believe in that for me, which is an incredible show of support and faith for me. They brought to my attention how much cheaper getting my degree at a state school would be, and how it would open more doors than going to seminary would. Especially because I don't want to be a "biblical counselor," I want to be a counselor who knows Truth and draws FROM the Bible. Also, if I go to seminary, it only opens doors to Christian counseling which, while that is, indeed, the kind of counseling I want to do, until I find a church that can pay a full-time counselor on staff, I'll need to work in different places. This seems like one big run-on thought... but I'm slowly working through all these things. Maybe I'll stay here and go back to my alma mater? They do have a grad program in psychology/counseling. AND last night in my Power Yoga class, an old friend showed up whom I haven't seen in almost a year- she was suddenly back to school to pursue HER masters in psychology and counseling AT our alma mater! CRAZY! So...I'm still not quite sure what I'm going to do, but I am finally at the point where I know I have to do something. Pastor Joe said this morning that he hears so often from people that they're waiting for the "rock from heaven" to fall and show them where to go or what to do. He said I needed to move... to walk....to just get started, and the Lord would nudge me in the right direction. It's much easier to steer a rolling stone than get it started. So I suppose it's time to start...rolling.
Something else very...coincidental...happened recently. High School Girls Ministry has been something laid on my heart for a very, very long time. Not getting involved in the youth group is the one great regret I have from my last church. I was told very recently that while our church is now looking for a full-time Youth Minister, they have college-aged students- leaders- who hang out with the youth group, go on trips with them, and hang with them during the Wednesday service, etc... but right now they only have male students helping out. They have absolutely no female help. Calling my name, maybe?! The problem is that I teach yoga Wednesday nights from 4:30-9, and their youth group meets at 7 pm. Well, I thought this was strangely coincidental, so I talked to my boss about it, told her everything I felt for so long, and how strange all these coincidental things seem...and her FIRST response was, "Then we'll work it out, babe. If this is your path, we'll make it work." How lovely is she!!
So, again, I'm not totally positive what's going to happen, or where I'm going to go...or stay... but I am SO excited to get the ball rolling...no pun intended... and see what awesome plans the Lord is very clearly pursuing me to show me!
Currently watching: a Friends marathon!
Friday, September 9, 2011
Sick.
I've been sick for only 3 days...and they've been the longest 3 days of this year. It started with a really sore throat, dizziness, and lymph nodes so swollen I was acutely aware of how they hated me. It then became a full-on attack from my sinus cavities, attempting to see which side could get more gloomy and agitated. I've slept 23 hours in the last 2 days, thanks to my SWEET medicine that only cost $4, but every day I wake up feeling foggy and sluggish. Not the best way to wake up, but at least I have been able to sleep through most of the fevers. I've also been SUPER faithful to my neti pot, a kriya I swear by. My dear friend Megan brought me Wellness Tea with echinacea last night, and it both warmed my throat and my soul.
I'm hoping to nip this sickness in the bud in the next day or two. In the past when I have been sick, it's lasted months. I don't often get sick, but when I do it's terrible. I haven't practiced many healthy lifestyle behaviors in my past, so I'm hoping that with all my new-found wellness techniques I can take care of this sickness much quicker than in the past. Not only because sickness, in general, sucks, but because my Ayurvedic fall detox begins next Monday and I'd like to be healthy while I practice this. Further, I've been teaching my best friend how to ballroom dance so she can go out with me on weekends. I know how very much she's been looking forward to going dancing, and I know how much I enjoy it myself, so I really need to be feeling great soon so we can go.
Here's to health and happiness!
Currently listening to: The Civil Wars, Pandora Radio Station
I'm hoping to nip this sickness in the bud in the next day or two. In the past when I have been sick, it's lasted months. I don't often get sick, but when I do it's terrible. I haven't practiced many healthy lifestyle behaviors in my past, so I'm hoping that with all my new-found wellness techniques I can take care of this sickness much quicker than in the past. Not only because sickness, in general, sucks, but because my Ayurvedic fall detox begins next Monday and I'd like to be healthy while I practice this. Further, I've been teaching my best friend how to ballroom dance so she can go out with me on weekends. I know how very much she's been looking forward to going dancing, and I know how much I enjoy it myself, so I really need to be feeling great soon so we can go.
Here's to health and happiness!
Currently listening to: The Civil Wars, Pandora Radio Station
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Memorandum 9/11
Leap, by Brian Doyle
Jennifer Brickhouse saw them falling, hand in hand.
Many people jumped. Perhaps hundreds. No one knows. They struck the pavement with such force that there was a pink mist in the air.
The mayor reported the mist.
A kindergarten boy who saw people falling in flames told his teacher that the birds were on fire. She ran with him on her shoulders out of the ashes.
Tiffany Keeling saw fireballs falling that she later realized were people. Jennifer Griffin saw people falling and wept as she told the story. Niko Winstral saw people free-falling backwards with their hands out, like they were parachuting. Joe Duncan on his roof on Duane Street looked up and saw people jumping. Henry Weintraub saw people "leaping as they flew out." John Carson saw six people fall, "falling over themselves, falling, they were somersaulting." Steve Miller saw people jumping from a thousand feet in the air. Kirk Kjeldsen saw people flailing on the way down, people lining up and jumping, "too many people falling." Jane Tedder saw people leaping and the sight haunts her at night. Steve Tamas counted fourteen people jumping and then he stopped counting. Stuart DeHann saw one woman's dress billowing as she fell, and he saw a shirtless man falling end over end, and he too saw the couple leaping hand in hand.
Several pedestrians were killed by people falling from the sky. A fireman was killed by a body falling from the sky.
But he reached for her hand and she reached for his hand and they leaped out the window holding hands.
I try to whisper prayers for the sudden dead and the harrowed families of the dead and the screaming souls of the murderers but I keep coming back to his hand and her hand nestled in each other with such extraordinary ordinary succinct ancient naked stunning perfect simple ferocious love.
Their hands reaching and joining are the most powerful prayer I can imagine, the most eloquent, the most graceful. It is everything that we are capable of against horror and loss and death. It is what makes me believe that we are not craven fools and charlatans to believe in God, to believe that human beings have greatness and holiness within them like seeds that open only under great fires, to believe that some unimaginable essence of who we are persists past the dissolution of what we were, to believe against such evil hourly evidence that love is why we are here.
No one knows who they were: husband and wife, lovers, dear friends, colleagues, strangers thrown together at the window there at the lip of hell. Maybe they didn't even reach for each other consciously, maybe it was instinctive, a reflex, as they both decided at the same time to take two running steps and jump out the shattered window, but they did reach for each other, and they held on tight, and leaped, and fell endlessly into the smoking canyon, at two hundred miles an hour, falling so far and so fast that they would have blacked out before they hit the pavement near Liberty Street so hard that there was a pink mist in the air.
Jennifer Brickhouse saw them holding hands, and Stuart DeHann saw them holding hands, and I hold onto that.
Jennifer Brickhouse saw them falling, hand in hand.
Many people jumped. Perhaps hundreds. No one knows. They struck the pavement with such force that there was a pink mist in the air.
The mayor reported the mist.
A kindergarten boy who saw people falling in flames told his teacher that the birds were on fire. She ran with him on her shoulders out of the ashes.
Tiffany Keeling saw fireballs falling that she later realized were people. Jennifer Griffin saw people falling and wept as she told the story. Niko Winstral saw people free-falling backwards with their hands out, like they were parachuting. Joe Duncan on his roof on Duane Street looked up and saw people jumping. Henry Weintraub saw people "leaping as they flew out." John Carson saw six people fall, "falling over themselves, falling, they were somersaulting." Steve Miller saw people jumping from a thousand feet in the air. Kirk Kjeldsen saw people flailing on the way down, people lining up and jumping, "too many people falling." Jane Tedder saw people leaping and the sight haunts her at night. Steve Tamas counted fourteen people jumping and then he stopped counting. Stuart DeHann saw one woman's dress billowing as she fell, and he saw a shirtless man falling end over end, and he too saw the couple leaping hand in hand.
 | ||
But he reached for her hand and she reached for his hand and they leaped out the window holding hands.
I try to whisper prayers for the sudden dead and the harrowed families of the dead and the screaming souls of the murderers but I keep coming back to his hand and her hand nestled in each other with such extraordinary ordinary succinct ancient naked stunning perfect simple ferocious love.
Their hands reaching and joining are the most powerful prayer I can imagine, the most eloquent, the most graceful. It is everything that we are capable of against horror and loss and death. It is what makes me believe that we are not craven fools and charlatans to believe in God, to believe that human beings have greatness and holiness within them like seeds that open only under great fires, to believe that some unimaginable essence of who we are persists past the dissolution of what we were, to believe against such evil hourly evidence that love is why we are here.
No one knows who they were: husband and wife, lovers, dear friends, colleagues, strangers thrown together at the window there at the lip of hell. Maybe they didn't even reach for each other consciously, maybe it was instinctive, a reflex, as they both decided at the same time to take two running steps and jump out the shattered window, but they did reach for each other, and they held on tight, and leaped, and fell endlessly into the smoking canyon, at two hundred miles an hour, falling so far and so fast that they would have blacked out before they hit the pavement near Liberty Street so hard that there was a pink mist in the air.
Jennifer Brickhouse saw them holding hands, and Stuart DeHann saw them holding hands, and I hold onto that.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
And We're Back!
After having taken the summer off from blogging (because it takes SO much time...), I am back to re-instate my life online.
This summer has been much less like a vacation and much more like a what-am-I-doing-with-my-life-let's-fill-one-hundred-percent-of-our-time-with-any-and-every-thing-we-possibly-can. Whew. And that's just about what I did. I finished my yoga teacher training and received my certification. I started ballroom dancing again. I'm still working at the lobster, only now I'm training all the new servers that come in (which I have found, to my delight, I truly, truly enjoy doing). I started teaching at a yoga studio in town. I started with 8 classes a week, but with the economy, we downsized that to only 4 classes, and I sub for other teachers when I can. I'm also teaching yoga at my alma mater- only one class a week. I also was in an independent film- I was a hired assassin and got to do some serious fight choreography. (The lead I was fighting with had little stage combat experience and he literally beat the crap out of me. I was black and blue for 2 weeks. Still totally worth it.) On top of all this work, I've attempted to have SOME semblance of a social life, which has amounted to seeing my best friend about once a week. I TOTALLY lost the battle with healthy eating and have gained all my weight back with a vengeance...and then some. I have gone to 2 Thai Bodywork workshops and have taken up practicing on all my friends. I really, really enjoy it, and I find those I practice on really, really enjoy it, too.
I've become absolutely obsessed with learning how to West Coast Swing, a type of ballroom dancing I've attempted to learn in the past but have had very little of the rhythm necessary. Not this time! This time I win. Damn it. I've fallen in love with hiking and attempt to go as often as I can, which so far has amounted to thrice this summer. But go I do...my phobia of spiders, ticks, and wasps be damned. I also have started to find the word "Damn" really funny. I read tons of books, including the entire Hunger Games Trilogy in just 3 days. I'm FINALLY getting around to reading Eat Pray Love, and I bought The Help after watching the film, but haven't read it yet. I did, however, read Water For Elephants after having watched THAT film, and I must say while the movie was good, the book was incredible. You should probably read it, too. I've fallen in love with partner yoga, mala beads (although I haven't had an opportunity to own any yet), pretzels with cheese, incense (particularly the cinnamon kind), forearm/arm balances, anjanayasana, sushi, barre workouts, and hiking (of course). I've re-fallen in love with raisinets (we fought for awhile), going to the movie theatre, margaritas, going on walks (and sometimes jogs), reading, blogging, and, last but certainly not least, eating at out-door cafes. Mmm mmm good. I'm preparing to re-fall in love with coffee, working out, autumn, scarves, and quieter days.
I'm also preparing to send in my headshot and resume to hopefully receive invitations to audition for the American Shakespeare Center in Staunton, VA, and the Shakespeare Theatre Company in DC. If I receive no invitations I'm going to take that as a sign that theatre is not what I should be pursuing right now and throw myself into getting my masters in counseling. I've become obsessed with the idea of working, perhaps, in an abused women's shelter, combining counseling, yoga therapy, and thai bodywork into a holistic kind of therapy that will encourage, inspire, and heal. Whatever happens, I'm hoping to be accepting, energetic, and hopeful as I not so much walk, but LEAP into the future.
Book Currently Reading: Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert
This summer has been much less like a vacation and much more like a what-am-I-doing-with-my-life-let's-fill-one-hundred-percent-of-our-time-with-any-and-every-thing-we-possibly-can. Whew. And that's just about what I did. I finished my yoga teacher training and received my certification. I started ballroom dancing again. I'm still working at the lobster, only now I'm training all the new servers that come in (which I have found, to my delight, I truly, truly enjoy doing). I started teaching at a yoga studio in town. I started with 8 classes a week, but with the economy, we downsized that to only 4 classes, and I sub for other teachers when I can. I'm also teaching yoga at my alma mater- only one class a week. I also was in an independent film- I was a hired assassin and got to do some serious fight choreography. (The lead I was fighting with had little stage combat experience and he literally beat the crap out of me. I was black and blue for 2 weeks. Still totally worth it.) On top of all this work, I've attempted to have SOME semblance of a social life, which has amounted to seeing my best friend about once a week. I TOTALLY lost the battle with healthy eating and have gained all my weight back with a vengeance...and then some. I have gone to 2 Thai Bodywork workshops and have taken up practicing on all my friends. I really, really enjoy it, and I find those I practice on really, really enjoy it, too.
I've become absolutely obsessed with learning how to West Coast Swing, a type of ballroom dancing I've attempted to learn in the past but have had very little of the rhythm necessary. Not this time! This time I win. Damn it. I've fallen in love with hiking and attempt to go as often as I can, which so far has amounted to thrice this summer. But go I do...my phobia of spiders, ticks, and wasps be damned. I also have started to find the word "Damn" really funny. I read tons of books, including the entire Hunger Games Trilogy in just 3 days. I'm FINALLY getting around to reading Eat Pray Love, and I bought The Help after watching the film, but haven't read it yet. I did, however, read Water For Elephants after having watched THAT film, and I must say while the movie was good, the book was incredible. You should probably read it, too. I've fallen in love with partner yoga, mala beads (although I haven't had an opportunity to own any yet), pretzels with cheese, incense (particularly the cinnamon kind), forearm/arm balances, anjanayasana, sushi, barre workouts, and hiking (of course). I've re-fallen in love with raisinets (we fought for awhile), going to the movie theatre, margaritas, going on walks (and sometimes jogs), reading, blogging, and, last but certainly not least, eating at out-door cafes. Mmm mmm good. I'm preparing to re-fall in love with coffee, working out, autumn, scarves, and quieter days.
I'm also preparing to send in my headshot and resume to hopefully receive invitations to audition for the American Shakespeare Center in Staunton, VA, and the Shakespeare Theatre Company in DC. If I receive no invitations I'm going to take that as a sign that theatre is not what I should be pursuing right now and throw myself into getting my masters in counseling. I've become obsessed with the idea of working, perhaps, in an abused women's shelter, combining counseling, yoga therapy, and thai bodywork into a holistic kind of therapy that will encourage, inspire, and heal. Whatever happens, I'm hoping to be accepting, energetic, and hopeful as I not so much walk, but LEAP into the future.
Book Currently Reading: Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert
Monday, May 16, 2011
For My Love of Yoga
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Paperweight On My Back, Cover Me Like A Blanket
I've been a member of an amateur mordern dance company through my university for many years. I took this last season off so I could work more, pay some bills, and really focus on my yoga teacher certification training. Consequently, it's been a long, long, LONG time since I've danced, and even longer since I just went into the studio and played around with music and movement. Well, last night was the end of that streak!
A good friend of mine, Zach, showed up to play with choreography with me, and we went to town. I've been obsessed with the song Paperweight by Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk lately- it just makes me want to dance. You know music like this. I asked Zach to come by and help me throw a duet together and, boy, did we. We have just over a minute twenty finished, and just about two minutes to go. Luckily, we'll be having more dance dates soon!
It was so cathartic for me to dance again...to just get on the floor and move my body a little. Yoga is incredible, and life changing for me...but nothing can take the place of dance. The music, the emotions, the performance aspect- it's just...everything. And the best part- his shirt and my socks matched! <3
A good friend of mine, Zach, showed up to play with choreography with me, and we went to town. I've been obsessed with the song Paperweight by Joshua Radin and Schuyler Fisk lately- it just makes me want to dance. You know music like this. I asked Zach to come by and help me throw a duet together and, boy, did we. We have just over a minute twenty finished, and just about two minutes to go. Luckily, we'll be having more dance dates soon!
It was so cathartic for me to dance again...to just get on the floor and move my body a little. Yoga is incredible, and life changing for me...but nothing can take the place of dance. The music, the emotions, the performance aspect- it's just...everything. And the best part- his shirt and my socks matched! <3
Monday, March 7, 2011
It's ok to hurt. It's ok to heal.
Everyone has their heart broken at some point. Lots of people have been jilted in love. And lots of people find the courage and the strength to move on. They deal with the pain, the jealousy, the absolute heart break. And they live through it. Every day. This is going to be me, too.
I woke up early this morning with a painful constriction in my chest, just one more physical sign of emotional distress. No, that's not the term for it- it's so much more than that. And it has been for a long, long time now. But I woke up, praying with all my might that my loving Father in heaven could pick me up again after my fall. That my powerful God could make me right again. I asked Him to take all the broken, shattered, aching, distrusting, rejected, tiny shreds of my heart and make them whole again. I'd like to say it was instantaneous, that my life was better in that second. It wasn't. It won't be. But I can start to see a tiny light at the end of this long, long, dark tunnel and that light is hope. Hope that I can trust again, hope that I can heal, that I can be new again, that the pain won't stay overwhelming forever. That the memories won't hold heartache and bitterness and rejection and loss and pain, but that I can look back on these past few years of my life as a time of love and growth. They really did help make me into who I am today. Definitely not perfect, but worthy of love. Real, unconditional, heart-pounding, make-it-through-the-hard-stuff-even-though-it's hard type love. And it's out there. Out there at the end of this tunnel.
I stole my heart from God and gave it away far too early, but I can give it back. He'll take it. All the shattered pieces of it. He came for the sick, you know. The downtrodden. The broken. That's me. It might be you, too. I know I have a privileged life, and I know this experience isn't an isolated one. Lots of people go through it. And lots of people get through it. That's going to be me, too.
I wish I could say it's going to happen overnight. Oh, how I wish that! The constriction in my chest, that searing hot knife through the center of me- it's still there. But I know it won't be there forever.
Today is my birthday. I'm being constantly reminded that there are people in my life who love me. Maybe not in the romantic way I hope for, but in the unconditional, overwhelming, generous, enthusiastic, love-me-just-for-being-me way. I think it's about time I stop throwing a pity party for my heart, and start throwing myself into loving other people. I've spent too much time already being consumed by my own pain, and missing out on the pain other people feel. On their joys and triumphs, too. I think part of my healing will come from throwing myself into lives that aren't my own. If I stay too involved in my own, the pain and memories will just continue to drown me. There are other things in this world than me and my life and my pain and my hurt. People need to be loved. And if I can't receive love, I sure can give it.
God is so good.
I woke up early this morning with a painful constriction in my chest, just one more physical sign of emotional distress. No, that's not the term for it- it's so much more than that. And it has been for a long, long time now. But I woke up, praying with all my might that my loving Father in heaven could pick me up again after my fall. That my powerful God could make me right again. I asked Him to take all the broken, shattered, aching, distrusting, rejected, tiny shreds of my heart and make them whole again. I'd like to say it was instantaneous, that my life was better in that second. It wasn't. It won't be. But I can start to see a tiny light at the end of this long, long, dark tunnel and that light is hope. Hope that I can trust again, hope that I can heal, that I can be new again, that the pain won't stay overwhelming forever. That the memories won't hold heartache and bitterness and rejection and loss and pain, but that I can look back on these past few years of my life as a time of love and growth. They really did help make me into who I am today. Definitely not perfect, but worthy of love. Real, unconditional, heart-pounding, make-it-through-the-hard-stuff-even-though-it's hard type love. And it's out there. Out there at the end of this tunnel.
I stole my heart from God and gave it away far too early, but I can give it back. He'll take it. All the shattered pieces of it. He came for the sick, you know. The downtrodden. The broken. That's me. It might be you, too. I know I have a privileged life, and I know this experience isn't an isolated one. Lots of people go through it. And lots of people get through it. That's going to be me, too.
I wish I could say it's going to happen overnight. Oh, how I wish that! The constriction in my chest, that searing hot knife through the center of me- it's still there. But I know it won't be there forever.
Today is my birthday. I'm being constantly reminded that there are people in my life who love me. Maybe not in the romantic way I hope for, but in the unconditional, overwhelming, generous, enthusiastic, love-me-just-for-being-me way. I think it's about time I stop throwing a pity party for my heart, and start throwing myself into loving other people. I've spent too much time already being consumed by my own pain, and missing out on the pain other people feel. On their joys and triumphs, too. I think part of my healing will come from throwing myself into lives that aren't my own. If I stay too involved in my own, the pain and memories will just continue to drown me. There are other things in this world than me and my life and my pain and my hurt. People need to be loved. And if I can't receive love, I sure can give it.
God is so good.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Winky
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
New Goals, New Me
My roommate, a dietetics major and thoroughly knowledgeable about healthy eating, and I decided last night that we were tired of living in our normal, average bodies. We were going to go on a healthy-foods, low-calorie diet, and we were going to start exercising much more regularly. Both of us having been recently brokenhearted, we needed something to give our focus and attention to. What better than a new lifestyle? I've decided to share mine here for an added bonus of accountability.
I started this morning weighing 150.2 lbs, 2 lbs more than I weighed last week, which is a direct result of my hedonistic and luxurious eating habits this past weekend. My goal weight it 137 lbs, and my super goal weight is 135 lbs (simply because I'm not sure my frame can support that low a weight and still be healthy and toned). I must drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water daily, and exercise atleast 30 minutes, 5 times daily. Keep in mind this is a bare minimum, and I would like to exercise a full hour 5-6 times a week, making sure to keep one day for complete rest. I've decided working as a server does not count, and the hours I spend on my feet will in no way count as "exercise" toward this particular goal. The obstacle I can see most clearly at this point is that I tend to be absolutely exhausted after week, and incredibly lazy before work, so in order to meet this part of the goal (and still work 40 hours a week), I'm going to have to be way more dedicated than I am. I'm also planning to count calories. Every single one that I put in my body. I'm limiting myself to 1600 calories daily in order to lose weight at a healthy pace, but my goal is 1350 calories. So I'm shooting for 1350, but if I happen to trip over that line, as long as I don't go above 1600 I won't give myself too difficult a time, or too heavy a guilt trip.
So far today, for breakfast and lunch I've consumed 980. I went to Jimmy Johns with a friend and ate one of the healthiest choices on the menu (actually, only HALF of that sandwich) but that still was a huge hit to my count. And I've only had 14 ounces of water. So for my late afternoon snack and for dinner I only have 370 calories allotted. Looks like I'll be consuming a ton of vegetables and 50 more ounces of water and hoping my stomach won't be too unhappy with not enough breads and sugars, like it's used to.
These are my new goals. I have a great habit of starting a new goal and being really motivated for about a week, and then allowing it to just kind of piddle away... Here's to not allowing that negative habit to control me again!
Healthy = Happy
I started this morning weighing 150.2 lbs, 2 lbs more than I weighed last week, which is a direct result of my hedonistic and luxurious eating habits this past weekend. My goal weight it 137 lbs, and my super goal weight is 135 lbs (simply because I'm not sure my frame can support that low a weight and still be healthy and toned). I must drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water daily, and exercise atleast 30 minutes, 5 times daily. Keep in mind this is a bare minimum, and I would like to exercise a full hour 5-6 times a week, making sure to keep one day for complete rest. I've decided working as a server does not count, and the hours I spend on my feet will in no way count as "exercise" toward this particular goal. The obstacle I can see most clearly at this point is that I tend to be absolutely exhausted after week, and incredibly lazy before work, so in order to meet this part of the goal (and still work 40 hours a week), I'm going to have to be way more dedicated than I am. I'm also planning to count calories. Every single one that I put in my body. I'm limiting myself to 1600 calories daily in order to lose weight at a healthy pace, but my goal is 1350 calories. So I'm shooting for 1350, but if I happen to trip over that line, as long as I don't go above 1600 I won't give myself too difficult a time, or too heavy a guilt trip.
So far today, for breakfast and lunch I've consumed 980. I went to Jimmy Johns with a friend and ate one of the healthiest choices on the menu (actually, only HALF of that sandwich) but that still was a huge hit to my count. And I've only had 14 ounces of water. So for my late afternoon snack and for dinner I only have 370 calories allotted. Looks like I'll be consuming a ton of vegetables and 50 more ounces of water and hoping my stomach won't be too unhappy with not enough breads and sugars, like it's used to.
These are my new goals. I have a great habit of starting a new goal and being really motivated for about a week, and then allowing it to just kind of piddle away... Here's to not allowing that negative habit to control me again!
Healthy = Happy
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Re-evaluating My Life
It's that time, I suppose. A time to look on my life, see the areas of improvement, and seize them for what they are. The path I am currently on might not be the best for me, and it is just now occurring to me that I might be happier doing something other than what I am right now.
Currently, I am planning to apply to a master's of arts in teaching program at my alma mater and go into English and Theatre education- I'd like to teach high school. I went through a phase last summer where I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, and I needed to lay it all out on the table. It came down to a decision between going to seminary and majoring in girls' ministry, or going to a university and getting a masters in english/theatre education. Now I've been taking the semester off to get some bills paid, I've been enjoying a 6 month-long yoga teacher training program (which is rocking my world- in a good way), and I've been trying to figure out what is going to make me happiest, career-wise. I'm not so sure it's going to be teaching. Will I be happy in a 7-5 job teaching students, not information, but whatever is going to be on the next scheduled test? Will I be happy being so stuck "in the box"?
I've been thinking about getting my masters in counseling. Maybe at a seminary, maybe online. I'm still thinking about getting into yoga therapy, because I'm really into natural healing and teaching or reminding the body how to take care of itself (it was made for that, you know), and I know how incredible your body feels after a great yoga session. I would love to live my life making people's bodies healthier and happier. But I don't know that that is enough, either. I'd really like to help people find peace and happiness in their minds, in their emotions, in their every day lives. I would love to get into wholistic therapy, healing minds and bodies together. Is that possible? Can I provide therapy both with yoga and with counseling? Can I make a living with that? And is this the combination of work that will make me happy?
I know work isn't the thing in life you look to for happiness. But it can fulfill you, and you spend most of your awake time there, so it should be something you at least enjoy. And I want to make a difference with people. This could be the way. We'll see!
Currently, I am planning to apply to a master's of arts in teaching program at my alma mater and go into English and Theatre education- I'd like to teach high school. I went through a phase last summer where I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, and I needed to lay it all out on the table. It came down to a decision between going to seminary and majoring in girls' ministry, or going to a university and getting a masters in english/theatre education. Now I've been taking the semester off to get some bills paid, I've been enjoying a 6 month-long yoga teacher training program (which is rocking my world- in a good way), and I've been trying to figure out what is going to make me happiest, career-wise. I'm not so sure it's going to be teaching. Will I be happy in a 7-5 job teaching students, not information, but whatever is going to be on the next scheduled test? Will I be happy being so stuck "in the box"?
I've been thinking about getting my masters in counseling. Maybe at a seminary, maybe online. I'm still thinking about getting into yoga therapy, because I'm really into natural healing and teaching or reminding the body how to take care of itself (it was made for that, you know), and I know how incredible your body feels after a great yoga session. I would love to live my life making people's bodies healthier and happier. But I don't know that that is enough, either. I'd really like to help people find peace and happiness in their minds, in their emotions, in their every day lives. I would love to get into wholistic therapy, healing minds and bodies together. Is that possible? Can I provide therapy both with yoga and with counseling? Can I make a living with that? And is this the combination of work that will make me happy?
I know work isn't the thing in life you look to for happiness. But it can fulfill you, and you spend most of your awake time there, so it should be something you at least enjoy. And I want to make a difference with people. This could be the way. We'll see!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Amazing Grace
Today at work I had the distinct privilege of witnessing truly amazing grace. A little girl and her grandmother were out spending the day together and decided to come to our restaurant for lunch. As they were eating their food, a second table came in and one of the members of that party happened to be wearing his army fatigues. When I checked on the little girl and her grandmother, the grandmother very quietly told me she would like to have "that young man's meal" on her tab. When I brought it to her, I explained that he had chosen quite an expensive meal, but she said that was perfectly fine. While that conversation was going on, another gentleman in his fatigues came in with his family. This little old lady, in front of her 6- or 7-year old granddaughter, not only paid for the meal of the soldier sitting behind her, but handed me another $30 and asked me to give it to the other soldier, thanking him for his service. Wow. I not only was allowed to be party to surprising two soldiers with a free meal, but I had the incredible honor of witnessing true grace and love at work in my restaurant, a place where grace is not extended very often. I'm a very lucky girl.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Achilles Temple
I realize it's been quite awhile since I have blogged again, and as uplifting and cathartic as the first was, one would expect I would write more often. Let me share with you why it is I have not written: WORK. Since my last blog I have worked 9 days, 5 of those days being a double shift which, in the language of restaurants, means 12 hour days with no breaks and no sitting. Which is fine. No problem. It has given me a great opportunity to catch up on bills and to start paying off some debt. However, my body has begun revolting. I wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning with swollen knees, or throbbing joints, I get to work and halfway through my shift arthritis-type pain starts playing chopsticks on my spine. Further, I've begun to be abused by fellow workers and random inanimate objects while on a shift. Let me explain more...
During one of my double shifts, about halfway through the morning, I was standing near the salad bar in the alley, attempting to do something for my guests, because that's the thing about guests- they're always needing something... and I turn around to reach for a tray. At the same moment, a fellow server picks up her tray (a solid piece of something solid, loaded down with even more pounds of solid things) and turns to leave the alley. BAM. Right in the temple. My head rebounds away and I fall over. I saw black for a split second, and then stars...lots and lots of stars. Not the cool ones, like the ones you watch at night on a blanket in the middle of a field with a cute boy and some hot cocoa. No, no, the weird bright-white ones that leave you dizzy, unable to focus, and a little nauseas. Awesome. It takes me a full 2 or 3 minutes to regain my composure (including getting the tears under control) and attempt to finish taking care of my tables. My temple was sore for awhile, and after an hour or two, the headache and dizziness went away, so no biggie. Then, later that night as I was reaching for a salad bowl in the exact same place my manager accidentally manages to slam my hand in the refrigerator door. WOW. It hurt even worse than being boxed in the side of the head. I immediately yank my hand out of the door, and cradle it against me, crying for the second time that day. This was no ordinary fridge. This is one of those heavy, stainless steel fridges that keep salad bowls cold for guests- the door is a heavy, sliding-type door that's mounted on top and meant to hold all sorts of different weighty things. It plays no games. My hand immediately began bruising, and I just could not believe my luck. I still had 3 more hours to go before I could escape to someplace safe. And yet, on I went. ON I WENT.
I finished that shift out, no more problems, and I made some good money, so I just chalked it up to "one of those days" and went home, exhausted but pleased. The very next day I head in to work once more. I breeze through my shift- it was fantastic! As I am preparing to do my final side work of the night before I go home, I place my hand on a wooden computer station and lean down to pick up a check binder. Horror of horrors, my hands slips and a PLANK of sharp, jagged wood jabs itself deep underneath my nail bed. And I'm talking about all the way underneath my nail. Not a baby splinter, a TREE. Immediately I think, are you kidding me?? and I race to the back office to get a manager to get it out. I can't do it myself, of course, because I am a wuss. So he takes a pair of tweezers and prepares to hurt me even more (because contrary to what parents tell their kids, YES, YES IT DOES HURT MORE THAN WHEN IT HAPPENS TO BEGIN WITH. Meanwhile, I'm sure my finger has swollen to the size of the Sears Tower, and the pain is radiating up into my elbow. To make a long story short, I hop around for about 5 minutes, holding my finger and begging him to chop it off instead of try to get the splinter out before I finally let him just do it. And it does hurt. SO BAD. I screamed for a split second (literally a split second- like AH! not AHHHHHHHHH!), but still the entire restaurant hears me, and I am in so much excruciating pain I can't even force myself to be mortified. Of course, looking back on the experience, I can say now with a level head that it didn't hurt that bad...but you would never have convinced me in the moment.
Now, after several more doubles, and 3 more days to go before a day off (including one more double and 2 closing shifts), I can safely say this week has been a roller coaster of emotions and pain tolerance. I'm not really sure how so many things could have happened all at once, but happen they did. I can only go forward from here, and hope that no one decides to keep a bowl of hot water near the salad bar, because you can probably count on me finding it and tipping it over on myself, or perhaps tripping and falling face first into it. Whatever the injury, I'm certain it will find me.
And that is what I have learned at work this week.
During one of my double shifts, about halfway through the morning, I was standing near the salad bar in the alley, attempting to do something for my guests, because that's the thing about guests- they're always needing something... and I turn around to reach for a tray. At the same moment, a fellow server picks up her tray (a solid piece of something solid, loaded down with even more pounds of solid things) and turns to leave the alley. BAM. Right in the temple. My head rebounds away and I fall over. I saw black for a split second, and then stars...lots and lots of stars. Not the cool ones, like the ones you watch at night on a blanket in the middle of a field with a cute boy and some hot cocoa. No, no, the weird bright-white ones that leave you dizzy, unable to focus, and a little nauseas. Awesome. It takes me a full 2 or 3 minutes to regain my composure (including getting the tears under control) and attempt to finish taking care of my tables. My temple was sore for awhile, and after an hour or two, the headache and dizziness went away, so no biggie. Then, later that night as I was reaching for a salad bowl in the exact same place my manager accidentally manages to slam my hand in the refrigerator door. WOW. It hurt even worse than being boxed in the side of the head. I immediately yank my hand out of the door, and cradle it against me, crying for the second time that day. This was no ordinary fridge. This is one of those heavy, stainless steel fridges that keep salad bowls cold for guests- the door is a heavy, sliding-type door that's mounted on top and meant to hold all sorts of different weighty things. It plays no games. My hand immediately began bruising, and I just could not believe my luck. I still had 3 more hours to go before I could escape to someplace safe. And yet, on I went. ON I WENT.
I finished that shift out, no more problems, and I made some good money, so I just chalked it up to "one of those days" and went home, exhausted but pleased. The very next day I head in to work once more. I breeze through my shift- it was fantastic! As I am preparing to do my final side work of the night before I go home, I place my hand on a wooden computer station and lean down to pick up a check binder. Horror of horrors, my hands slips and a PLANK of sharp, jagged wood jabs itself deep underneath my nail bed. And I'm talking about all the way underneath my nail. Not a baby splinter, a TREE. Immediately I think, are you kidding me?? and I race to the back office to get a manager to get it out. I can't do it myself, of course, because I am a wuss. So he takes a pair of tweezers and prepares to hurt me even more (because contrary to what parents tell their kids, YES, YES IT DOES HURT MORE THAN WHEN IT HAPPENS TO BEGIN WITH. Meanwhile, I'm sure my finger has swollen to the size of the Sears Tower, and the pain is radiating up into my elbow. To make a long story short, I hop around for about 5 minutes, holding my finger and begging him to chop it off instead of try to get the splinter out before I finally let him just do it. And it does hurt. SO BAD. I screamed for a split second (literally a split second- like AH! not AHHHHHHHHH!), but still the entire restaurant hears me, and I am in so much excruciating pain I can't even force myself to be mortified. Of course, looking back on the experience, I can say now with a level head that it didn't hurt that bad...but you would never have convinced me in the moment.
Now, after several more doubles, and 3 more days to go before a day off (including one more double and 2 closing shifts), I can safely say this week has been a roller coaster of emotions and pain tolerance. I'm not really sure how so many things could have happened all at once, but happen they did. I can only go forward from here, and hope that no one decides to keep a bowl of hot water near the salad bar, because you can probably count on me finding it and tipping it over on myself, or perhaps tripping and falling face first into it. Whatever the injury, I'm certain it will find me.
And that is what I have learned at work this week.
Friday, January 21, 2011
My First Blog
This is my attempt to tame the chaos of finding my purpose in life. I was supposed to start this blog when Teach For America hired me, but alas, two days ago I received my rejection letter. I cried for a solid 10 minutes, and then decided that it was just one more closed door on the way to finding what I really do need to be doing. I know that's not a very eloquent way of saying I'm ready for good things to start happening, but boy....am I.
I suppose I should start by listing all the good things that have happened in my life, but it's really the bad that have brought me to the point of blogging. I graduated from college in '07 with a degree in theatre, an emphasis in stage combat, and a minor in ASL. I spent the next two years of my life doing nothing of importance or advancement, and ended up deciding to go back to school to get a second degree, this time in ASL Interpreter Training. I mean, why not? I had been interpreting for my church for nearly four years- I loved the Deaf community, I loved ASL, I needed a career. What better to do than become a professional interpreter? After two full semesters of prep courses, and a good four months of applying and interviewing, I was turned down. Of the 56 people originally applying to the program, only 19 were chosen. I was not one of those. After crying for perhaps a solid 2 weeks, eating a tremendously dangerous amount of calories, and sleeping more hours than Rip Van Winkle achieved in his entire life, I came to the conclusion that God clearly had something different in store for me. I was fluent in ASL, an already-experienced and definitely skilled interpreter, I had one of the highest GPAs of all applicants, and I made some of the highest grades on all projects, tests, and assignments. There was no way anyone in their right mind would have put me on the not-right-for-interpreting list. But because the staff in this program did, clearly God had something else for me. I could not have done anything else right. So- upwards and onwards.
I spent the summer house/dog sitting for several professors at my alma mater, and working 3 weeks as a special teamer at a Christian youth camp in North Carolina. I met some really incredible people there, some of which I had known from college, and some of which I still, 7 months later, talk to almost daily. It was a time of healing and renewal in my life, and I used it as a time to wipe the slate clean. There was a huge horizon in front of me! Anything was possible! I could go get my masters and become a high school English/Theatre teacher, I could go to seminary and major in Girls' Ministry...I could do anything. After much thought and prayer, I went back to school once more, wanting to get a few classes under my belt before I applied for the MAT in English/Theatre Education. During that semester, I was introduced to, and began my journey through, the application process for Teach For America, a really incredible program that sends non-education majors into a low-income area for 2 years to teach one of the four main subjects: English, Math, Science, and Social Studies. They are super picky and it's a huge accomplishment even to be invited to an interview. Last year alone, 46,000 people applied and they only hired just over 4500. It was a big deal. After I turned my application in, I was passed on immediately to the Final Interview stage; it was a big deal. I put in tons of time and effort working on the last few requirements before the interview, on the lesson I had to teach during my interview, and on learning information that might be necessary for the interview in general. On top of this, I was taking 6 classes, 5 of which were over the 400 level, working 25-35 hours a week at Red Lobster, choreographing for my dance company, rehearsing 17 hours a week, interpreting at my church STILL, and attempting to make a broken engagement work out. It was exhausting, emotionally and physically.
Further, I missed a Praxis deadline for the masters program I was applying for. Those tests are EXPENSIVE, and if you can't afford it, sucks to be you. What did that mean? I had to take a semester off of school, and re-apply for the program that would begin in May.
Now, you must know that throughout all of these ordeals this past year, I also moved 3 times, none of which were a welcome idea. I simply have terrible relationships with apartments. The first move happened because I was living with a family from my church and my intense schedule just wasn't working out for their family life. No one was at fault, it was simply the nature of their being a family, and my being a 20-something college student with an overloaded schedule. The second move happened when I had to take a semester off of school. I was living on campus in family housing, a really sweet, perfectly-priced one bedroom apartment with awesome parking. When I missed the Praxis deadline, which stopped me from entering the program beginning in January, I had to take a semester off, meaning I would no longer be a full-time student, and consequently no longer be eligible for family housing. Move #2: I moved in with two of my besties and their roommate, under the offer that this would be a semester I could use to pay some bills and save some money. I had to move between Christmas and New Years (Happy Holidays), and because we lived in a college town, everyone was gone for the holiday season. Meaning I moved 90% of my belongings by myself, in 30* weather, over Christmas. When the roomies came home, within a week, the problems the three of them had with each other found a catalyst for implosion and I found myself moving once more. The three of them are also currently in the process of moving.
Now I am living with a good friend and coworker, in a house owned by her dad but rented by us, and it's absolutely perfect. She is an incredible roommate, the house is just fantastic, and it's right in the middle of town, but in a court where we don't have a lot of pass-through traffic. When I received my TFA letter (of rejection, of course), while my heart WAS broken for 10 seconds, I realized quickly that, once again, God has something else clearly in mind for me, but not to fret: I have an awesome roomie, a permanent place to live for as long as I need, and infinite possibilities once more.
I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life...I still want to pursue theatre as a career, maybe on stage, maybe in film, but I need to find a decent job with which I can support myself if ever I have the ability to move to a place that can sustain life on acting alone. Is this a sign I should go to seminary? Should I just re-apply to the MAT and get my masters in teaching? Should I go get a masters in counseling and help people work out their problems? Maybe become a child-life specialist specializing in teens, and find ways to make terminal illness manageable? Maybe I should just stick with yoga and become a yoga therapist/massage therapist and just makes people's lives awesome. So many decisions, so many options. I just...I am just ready to know what I should do. I'm ready to be on that path.
This has been probably the most difficult year of my life, but I've learned a lot, too. I've learned how strong I really am, and how independent I can be. I've learned I can handle a WHOLE lot, even when I think I can't take another step. You know, I used to say that I was ready for good things to start happening to me. But I think I was wrong in thinking that way. We serve a great God, and He has a plan to prosper us, and not to harm us. And ALL things work for the good of those who love Him. I'm not ready for good things to start happening to me...I'm ready to make good things happen for myself.
I suppose I should start by listing all the good things that have happened in my life, but it's really the bad that have brought me to the point of blogging. I graduated from college in '07 with a degree in theatre, an emphasis in stage combat, and a minor in ASL. I spent the next two years of my life doing nothing of importance or advancement, and ended up deciding to go back to school to get a second degree, this time in ASL Interpreter Training. I mean, why not? I had been interpreting for my church for nearly four years- I loved the Deaf community, I loved ASL, I needed a career. What better to do than become a professional interpreter? After two full semesters of prep courses, and a good four months of applying and interviewing, I was turned down. Of the 56 people originally applying to the program, only 19 were chosen. I was not one of those. After crying for perhaps a solid 2 weeks, eating a tremendously dangerous amount of calories, and sleeping more hours than Rip Van Winkle achieved in his entire life, I came to the conclusion that God clearly had something different in store for me. I was fluent in ASL, an already-experienced and definitely skilled interpreter, I had one of the highest GPAs of all applicants, and I made some of the highest grades on all projects, tests, and assignments. There was no way anyone in their right mind would have put me on the not-right-for-interpreting list. But because the staff in this program did, clearly God had something else for me. I could not have done anything else right. So- upwards and onwards.
I spent the summer house/dog sitting for several professors at my alma mater, and working 3 weeks as a special teamer at a Christian youth camp in North Carolina. I met some really incredible people there, some of which I had known from college, and some of which I still, 7 months later, talk to almost daily. It was a time of healing and renewal in my life, and I used it as a time to wipe the slate clean. There was a huge horizon in front of me! Anything was possible! I could go get my masters and become a high school English/Theatre teacher, I could go to seminary and major in Girls' Ministry...I could do anything. After much thought and prayer, I went back to school once more, wanting to get a few classes under my belt before I applied for the MAT in English/Theatre Education. During that semester, I was introduced to, and began my journey through, the application process for Teach For America, a really incredible program that sends non-education majors into a low-income area for 2 years to teach one of the four main subjects: English, Math, Science, and Social Studies. They are super picky and it's a huge accomplishment even to be invited to an interview. Last year alone, 46,000 people applied and they only hired just over 4500. It was a big deal. After I turned my application in, I was passed on immediately to the Final Interview stage; it was a big deal. I put in tons of time and effort working on the last few requirements before the interview, on the lesson I had to teach during my interview, and on learning information that might be necessary for the interview in general. On top of this, I was taking 6 classes, 5 of which were over the 400 level, working 25-35 hours a week at Red Lobster, choreographing for my dance company, rehearsing 17 hours a week, interpreting at my church STILL, and attempting to make a broken engagement work out. It was exhausting, emotionally and physically.
Further, I missed a Praxis deadline for the masters program I was applying for. Those tests are EXPENSIVE, and if you can't afford it, sucks to be you. What did that mean? I had to take a semester off of school, and re-apply for the program that would begin in May.
Now, you must know that throughout all of these ordeals this past year, I also moved 3 times, none of which were a welcome idea. I simply have terrible relationships with apartments. The first move happened because I was living with a family from my church and my intense schedule just wasn't working out for their family life. No one was at fault, it was simply the nature of their being a family, and my being a 20-something college student with an overloaded schedule. The second move happened when I had to take a semester off of school. I was living on campus in family housing, a really sweet, perfectly-priced one bedroom apartment with awesome parking. When I missed the Praxis deadline, which stopped me from entering the program beginning in January, I had to take a semester off, meaning I would no longer be a full-time student, and consequently no longer be eligible for family housing. Move #2: I moved in with two of my besties and their roommate, under the offer that this would be a semester I could use to pay some bills and save some money. I had to move between Christmas and New Years (Happy Holidays), and because we lived in a college town, everyone was gone for the holiday season. Meaning I moved 90% of my belongings by myself, in 30* weather, over Christmas. When the roomies came home, within a week, the problems the three of them had with each other found a catalyst for implosion and I found myself moving once more. The three of them are also currently in the process of moving.
Now I am living with a good friend and coworker, in a house owned by her dad but rented by us, and it's absolutely perfect. She is an incredible roommate, the house is just fantastic, and it's right in the middle of town, but in a court where we don't have a lot of pass-through traffic. When I received my TFA letter (of rejection, of course), while my heart WAS broken for 10 seconds, I realized quickly that, once again, God has something else clearly in mind for me, but not to fret: I have an awesome roomie, a permanent place to live for as long as I need, and infinite possibilities once more.
I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life...I still want to pursue theatre as a career, maybe on stage, maybe in film, but I need to find a decent job with which I can support myself if ever I have the ability to move to a place that can sustain life on acting alone. Is this a sign I should go to seminary? Should I just re-apply to the MAT and get my masters in teaching? Should I go get a masters in counseling and help people work out their problems? Maybe become a child-life specialist specializing in teens, and find ways to make terminal illness manageable? Maybe I should just stick with yoga and become a yoga therapist/massage therapist and just makes people's lives awesome. So many decisions, so many options. I just...I am just ready to know what I should do. I'm ready to be on that path.
This has been probably the most difficult year of my life, but I've learned a lot, too. I've learned how strong I really am, and how independent I can be. I've learned I can handle a WHOLE lot, even when I think I can't take another step. You know, I used to say that I was ready for good things to start happening to me. But I think I was wrong in thinking that way. We serve a great God, and He has a plan to prosper us, and not to harm us. And ALL things work for the good of those who love Him. I'm not ready for good things to start happening to me...I'm ready to make good things happen for myself.
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