Resolution January: No TV/Movies

As promised, my 2012 is going to be a year of sacrifice, of learning what self-denial and self-discipline are, all in the name of growth.  I want to be a better woman at the end of this year, more courageous, more disciplined, more creative in the way I spend time, money, and energy.

For January, my resolution is to not watch any tv or movies, including videos online.  Instead, I am filling that time with knitting, projects, cleaning, working out, and building relationships.  Finding things to fill that time that encourage my relationships with other people, with the Lord, and with myself.  Participating in activities without hesitation that I might miss something at home, or thinking "I need alone time" (translation: I want to go sit on my couch and not do anything).

The month started out kind of claustrophobically.  I really felt like I was enclosed in a tiny place with no out.  I know that must sound strange, but when I was in college and living in the dorms, it was sometimes a really lonely place.  Anytime I would be in my room alone, or in the dorm on certain holidays when no one else was around, I would switch my tv on just to have basic human sounds in the background.  A conversation, the sound of movement or traffic (slightly muted, of course), were things that became comforting to me in times of loneliness.  This must have snowballed into my need to constantly have a tv or movie playing.  Looking back on my self-created obsession, I never even sit down and intently look at the screen, I always have something in my hands: knitting, scrapbooking, a book....or I might be cleaning or cooking or doing laundry, and I just have the movie on for sounds effects.

In my 10 days of discipline so far, I am learning that I have a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head...all the time.  In the quiet I'm experiencing, I'm having to deal with these thoughts, call them under my command, and learn to live without "white noise."  Learn to live my life, without distractions.  And, to my credit, I have not faltered once!  I am constantly looking for things to do, I am finding myself constantly saying "yes" to activities or invitations to do things, rather than thinking I need alone time, going home, and missing out on the present.  I can already feel the effects of this positive life change in tons of different areas.  Even in my nighttime routines- without the distraction of television or a movie, my body knows it's tired more readily and concretely, and I fall asleep easier and more quickly, without the colorful (and often disturbing) array of dreams that have plagued me for some time now.

I'm excited to see where this year takes me.  I've heard often in the last several weeks that "this is going to be a year of blessing," and I believe that, deep down in my soul. I know it will be a year of blessing- it already has been.  I also believe that this will be a year of power, a year that heaven comes to earth, a year that God moves in ways we cannot even dream or imagine.  I'm terribly excited, expectant, and patient as I wait to see how God will use me this year, and this small resolution is one step I can take to prepare myself to go when He calls.

                                  (we all need a little encouragement)

Bridal Boot Camp Day 1: Food Is Fuel

My best friend is getting married!!!!!! Bryan proposed to Sarah on Monday, 1/2/12 and she said yes!! It was a truly magical moment, and I was lucky enough not only to be able to witness it, but to have a part in it, as well.  Sarah always said she wanted her friends and family there with her when he proposed, and Bryan was wonderful and gracious enough not only to organize getting us all there, but to let us be part of it.

Having said that..........it is now time for BRIDAL BOOT CAMP.  Neither Sarah nor Bryan want a long engagement (they're shooting for this summer- mere months away), which means the ladies in Sarah's life need to get on the ball, food-and-exercise-wise.  Today is Day 1!  I won't be blogging every day about this, but I will be keeping up with progress, trials, obstacles, failings, and goal-achievements as the months progress.  Sarah has asked that I encourage her daily to keep on her own diet and exercise plan, and to nag as much as I can so she'll be annoyed enough to actually follow through, rather than making excuses (which we both are really terrific at).  I said "no problem" to both the encouragement and the nagging.  Not only will it remind me of my own food and exercise choices (because EVERYTHING is a choice), but it will give us excuse after excuse to talk to each other often.  And not that we need excuses, but we both struggle with getting busy in our daily lives and not talking for days or weeks at a time, even when she physically lived 5 minutes away.  So this will be a good thing.

Today, as the first day, I started thinking about how I could help myself, and therefore Sarah, through this process.  I'm really great at starting projects, and then slowly dropping them instead of seeing them to completion.  I looked back over my previous attempts at changing my lifestyle, and I noticed a pattern with every attempt.  I, like all women who decide to change their eating and exercising habits, want to see change immediately.  I either don't see change and quit, or see some changes happening and start making excuses to slack off ("Well, I've lost ____ lbs, so I think I can probably handle a few cookes..."), and it just ends badly.  And at this point in life, I not only gain the weight I lost BACK, but I gain plus some.  NOT OKAY.

So I figured this time, getting at the root of the problem, I just might be able to make a permanent change.  I need to stop seeing food as a reward, and start seeing it as what it is: FUEL.  I shouldn't say, "I made it all day long without cheating, so now I'm going to have one ______".  I need to just say,"I made it through today making healthy choices, my body feels great, and that's all the reward I need!"  And mean it.

I think I'll keep "Food is fuel" as my mantra for awhile, maybe the first couple weeks, until I really get that mindset firmly rooted.  It's going to take a lot of self-discipline and willpower to change poor habits I have created slowly over my entire life (especially the latter years), but I really think I can do this.  I really think Sarah can do this.  I KNOW we can do it together.  It really helps that their engagement won't be extended.  It will help a great deal more when they set their date, knowing specifically when our deadline is.

As for now, I'm really excited to go through this journey with Sarah- to watch her challenge herself mentally and physically, to watch her grow into her role as a fiance and bride, to watch as all her dreams come true.  I know that they will.

What I Learned In DC

I recently spent a few days in Washington DC to herald in my best friend Sarah's brand new engagement, under the ruse of helping her move.  While there we got to travel the city, see the sites, and spend some really wonderful bestie time together- all capped by watching Bryan propose to her.  It was magical.

It was also a long, exhausting, crazy trip.  The normally 9 hour drive there was extended by picking up her youngest sister (to help with the proposal), stopping for bathroom breaks for 3 women, and stopping at kmart to pick up supplies for the proposal (it was going to be an EVENT).  The normally 9 hour drive back home was even worse, with the first snow of the year deciding to fall on the day we left.  Driving went from a breezy 70 mph to a slow and torturous 24 mph for the better part of 2 hours, with visibility dropping to just in front of the nose of the car.  It was awful.  But also TOTALLY WORTH IT!

During my time in DC, it was made very clear to me that I have a lot to learn about myself...and life.

THINGS I LEARNED IN DC:

~I'm the only person on the planet who does not dress completely in black apparel...from head to foot.
~I dehydrate easily.
~I live to make excuses for eating terribly while on the road.
~I love road trips. Even when I hate them. I love them.
~Road trips make me feel like an adult.
~Lateral Thinking games quickly and easily became my new obsession.
~Nothing is better than sitting at a coffee shop, drinking a latte, talking and laughing with your best friend.
~West Virginia is not as bad a state as I seem to remember.
~Always pack for unexpected weather, particularly the cold kind.
~12* is freaking cold.
~Fuzzy boots do not protect against snow or rain or whatever else happens to be on the ground.
~As cute as those new knee-length boots are, the blisters they create after walking for 6 hours are not.
~I absolutely need to live in a big city.
~My best friend is going to be the most beautiful bride in the history of brides. Ever.
~Ice cream is never a good idea on a cold day.
~Junk food tastes great while you're eating it...but you're going to feel like trash the second it hits your stomach.  Particularly if you eat a lot of it.
~Water runs through your system much faster than anything else you might drink. Unless you're willing to make 9 stops on the way home (yep), regulate how much water you consume.
~I can drive 9 hours by myself. I've done it before. It is infinitely easier to drive with someone else in the car with you.
~Bring a pillow with you. Bring a pillow with you. Bring a pillow with you.
~I should always pack my own breakfast materials on trips, because no one ever eats breakfast when they have guests.
~I'm not 15 anymore and I very clearly cannot stay awake all night long and then attempt to function the next day.
~My lips will stay chapped no matter how often or how much I slather chap stick on them.
~I should never walk around with cash on me. The second someone asks me for change, I can't lie. And I end up giving away everything on me.
~Always have tons of money in your bank account. You will inevitably spend far more than you plan to.
~Parking is freaking expensive.
~I could easily ride the metro to work every day. Even if it takes up an hour or two of my day.  Reading time, anyone??
~Apparently everyone on the planet carries a rolling suitcase with them...except me.
~I'm not rich enough to visit big cities.
~Watching my best friend be proposed to was the single most exciting, beautiful, and wonderful thing I've ever seen.  Getting to be a part of it was even more incredible.
~I am a lucky, lucky, blessed person.

Currently Doing: Blog 1 of 3 for today. Lots of updates to write about!

Yoga-isms T-shirt!

I am SUCH a blessed yoga teacher.  Tonight after my Hot Yoga class, several of my students surprised me with professionally-made t-shirts!!  My favorite pose, Anjanayasana, was featured on the front, and their top 10 favorite Andi-Yoga-Sayings were on the back.  AND it was in my favorite color!!  Needless to say, I was completely surprised (I'm pretty good at figuring out surprises- it's hard to be secret around me!), completely overwhelmed, and completely speechless.  What an incredible reminder of the power of relationships.   This is maybe the best gift I've ever received.  I'm so lucky.

2012: A Year of Sacrifice, A Year of Discipline

I've been thinking for several weeks now about what my New Years Resolutions might be.  I know it's a bit early, but when I leave things to the last minute I get cranky.  Further, the holiday season is a busy time, and who has extra time to debate resolutions when there are Christmas presents to make, food to bake, a house to clean, and caroling to do?

So as I've been thinking, praying, and debating changes I can make to my life beginning in the new year, a thought struck me: do my New Years Resolutions ever stick?  Do I even remember my resolutions after, say, March?  What's the point, and what can I do instead? (since we can't possibly think about starting a new year without changing something in our lives).

2012 is going to be a NEW year for me.  I've been thinking about all the things I do, and all the people I've been blessed to know, and all the things on my bucket list that I haven't even begun to work toward.  What if, in lieu of a "new years resolution," I made a year-long commitment to create healthy habits? I'll learn a lot about sacrifice, I'll learn a lot about self-discipline and what fasting and cleansing are all about.  Here's my plan: for one entire month I will spend time doing one thing I've never done before.  Every month it will change to something new.  Each thing will require discipline and sacrifice, but will be positive, healthy, and beneficial.  For an ENTIRE YEAR.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last 26 years.  I am a sprinter for sure, definitely not a marathon-er. It's really easy (and habit) for me to get excited about something, come racing out of the gate at full speed, be incredibly passionate about whatever it is....and then just as quickly lose interest, inspiration, motivation, and energy, and I'm done.  What kind of life is that?  When I get married one day, it's going to be a marathon, not a sprint.  When I have kids one day, what kind of habits will I teach them to make, if I can't follow through with my own goals, rules, or interests?  This is the year I teach myself to run the race with perseverance.

I have created a list of things I can do each month.  I've decided not to plan ahead (this activity this month, that activity the next, and so on).  As each month comes to a close, I'll pray and meditate over which should come next, knowing that as the year progresses, my heart and my needs will be in different places.  Here's my working list:

1.  No tv/movies at all.  How much time do I waste sitting in front of a tv? Really, do I even know?  How much better can that time be spent investing in people, building relationships, doing something productive like working out or crafting or learning a new skill, reading a book, or spending time in God's Word?  My one exception to this will be if a group of people are going to see a movie and invite me along- then it will be viewed as a social event, a chance to invest in those relationships.  But I can't create an event like this.
2.  No fast food, no take out.  None.  At all.  I spend so much money eating food from drive-thrus.  How much would I save (both in money and in health) if I spent a few extra minutes a day preparing food for myself?  This will also force me to continue learning to cook (another very valuable skill). My one exception will be coffee.  Coffee, coffee, coffee.  Also, sit-down restaurants don't count.  Unless those sit-down restaurants include a drive-thru.  Then- NO.
3.  Read for 30 minutes a day. I haven't decided if that is going to be restricted only to nonfiction and, in particular, books that will teach something (i.e. a textbook, self-help book, or a history book), or if it will also be open to inspirational and fiction books.  No exceptions here.
4.  Learn new knitting skills, including spending the time and energy to knit a sweater (finally! It's been on my bucket list for SO LONG).
5.  Wake up one hour earlier than I normally do to dedicate a specific time to working out. I really have a problem starting new workout programs, hitting it hard for a week or two, and then peacing out.  This will be a really good one for me.  The exception will be on Sundays (since that is as close to a Sabbath as I get), or days when I work a double or triple at work...then I feel I deserve a break. :)
6.  Meditate 10 minutes every day.  I'm not sure if this will be one that takes up an entire month, or if it will just be incorporated into my time, in general.
7.  Drink ONLY water for a month.  No milk, no juice, no wine, no soda, no coffee (I know, right?!).  Further, I will drink a full 64 ounces a day, just like the food pyramid tells you to do. No exception here, unless you count milk in cereal or oatmeal an exception. Which I don't, because I won't technically be drinking it.
8.  Write a letter of encouragement to someone different, every day, and SNAIL MAIL it.  Boom.  I'm excited for this one!
9.  No computer after 8 or 9 at night. I haven't fully thought this out, since I work at night as well.  But I figure I spend too much time on facebook and twitter, and sometimes even here.  And since Ravelry and Pinterest are becoming huge distractions as well, I really think I need a cleanse from media.
10.  Before I purchase anything I'll take a full 5 minutes to really think about it, and decide if it's something I need or just simply want.  This includes movies, groceries, even something like gum.  If I decide it's not worth buying, whatever money I would have spent on the purchase goes directly and immediately into savings.  At the end of the month I will have saved, I'm sure, a great deal, and I will be made QUITE aware of how much money I needlessly waste every month.  Hopefully this will become a habit I carry on for life.
11.  Don't give in to any cravings.  I plan to do this by giving myself a full 20 minutes to decide for myself if it's really a craving (like Zeppoli- no one needs Zeppoli) or if it's something my body needs (like milk or meat).  This is going to be a tough one.  Necessary, but tough.
12.  Arrive a full 10 minutes early to absolutely everything.  I come from a habitually late family, which makes me habitually late.  No better time than the present to break bad habits.
13.  Spend 30 minutes a day learning new ASL skills.  Or learning a new language.  I want to be trilingual- what better time than now to get started?
14.  Buy nothing personal- nothing for myself.  No movies, no books, no clothes- nothing.  Even if it hurts because I feel I need it.  This will be a great reminder of how much stuff I have, and how much stuff I don't need.  This could potentially pair up with taking 5 minutes before I purchase anything, to make sure it IS something I need.
15.  Say absolutely nothing negative about myself, someone or something else.  Instead, when I feel the desire to say something negative or complain-y (even in jest) I have to replace that thought with something positive and encouraging.  No exception at all.  I am particularly excited about this idea.  Called into Girls/Women's Ministry, everything I say comes under scrutiny and is heard by the people around me.  Little things I think don't matter, or aren't important, can really affect people, especially women.  When I'm around my small group or my youth group girls, and I say something negative about my body or the way I look, even if I'm having a bad day or really feel like it's true, can really make an impression upon those women.  I need to be filling their hearts and minds with confidence, encouragement, and grace.  They need to know that even if you have crooked teeth, a big nose, or a few extra pounds around the middle, you can still be beautiful, graceful, confident, and assured of your place in the world.  And I need to know that, too.

This is just a list in progress, it can change, I can add to it or subtract from it.  But it's a start.

I realize that, in doing something consistently for a month, I will severely limit what I can do, but I figure this will teach me the invaluable skill of saying no.  Which is very much a skill I know nothing about.  There will, of course, be an exception to the rules, but when that comes up, I'll learn the value of what is truly important, and what is simply not necessary.  I'll learn to discern between the two.  Also, it takes 28 days to make a habit, and since most months are a little longer than that (ha!), this will be a great opportunity to create great habits. And since I'm a sprinter learning to be a marathon-er, having to do something consistently for a year will be incredibly difficult, but having the task or activity change every month will give me just enough of a boost of different that I think I might just be able to do it.  New Year= New Me.

Currently Celebrating: Day 1 back on the Workout wagon.

It's Never Coincidence

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  Plain and simple.  I had set my alarm to get up early and do some things around the house, and just have some "me time".  I immediately knew this was not going to be the case.  I turned my alarm off and lounged around for almost another hour, thinking that maybe if I could go back to sleep,  I would re-wake up in a better mood.  Nope.

So I finally drag myself out of bed and open my bible and start to read for awhile.  Figuring this might be an important day, I fill my prayer with pleas of strength, of patience, of the need to be a light, so please, please God, won't you make this bad mood disappear?

My prayer continued on my way to work.  Let me be a light. Let me bring positive energy to the people I work with.  Let me be a bright influence.  Arriving at work, my bad mood pretends to disappear, and then attacks full-on as I walk through the door.  I'm just so annoyed by everything! What is the DEAL?!

I make it through my shift and, because I'm really lucky and my church sits directly behind my place of work, I drive over and peek my head in to see if the pastor is around.  I'm really frustrated, really annoyed, and really concerned that this mood isn't hitting the road.  The senior pastor is gone, but the associate pastor is there.  He asks what's up, and I relay my attitude and issues to him.  It's not that anything bad has happened, I have no reason to be stressed out, there's nothing bad on my plate... there is absolutely NO REASON I should be feeling this way.

Pastor Todd listened intently, nodding in all the right places, waiting for me to finish my diatribe.  And then he tells me something amazing: everyone on leadership at our church has been feeling this way lately.  EVERYONE.  People have felt useless, worthless, desolate, and basically just attacked at every angle for the last several weeks.  Pastor Todd encouraged me to see past my day and know that something BIG is happening, and this is just satan's way of trying to pull me out of the game, to make me stagnant or unmovable.  He then asked if he could pray for me.  "Absolutely! Yes, please."

And as he prayed for me, I was reminded of my place of influence within the church, of my place of importance in the Lord's plan, of my place of value in the Lord's eyes.  It struck me suddenly that not all bad moods are coincidental.  Not all bad days are just bad days.  Sometimes it's much, much more than that.  And so I decided to come up with a few ways to deal with bad moods:

1. Be Proactive.
      Your bad attitude isn't going to change just because you want it to, or because you complain about it. Know this, and make a knowledgeable decision to change it.  Even if you don't feel like it.

2. Pray.
      Let yourself be comforted.  But beyond that, let yourself be reminded of your value in the Lord.  Be reminded of your level of influence in the people around you.  See the bigger picture- not just this little snapshot of time.  You're always ministering- even when you think no one is looking.

3. Talk To Someone.
      About THEIR life.  You've already whined or complained enough (it's okay- it's what we do).  But allow yourself to be reminded that you're not the only person on the planet, and that other people are struggling, too.

4. Get Busy.
      Go on a run.  Pop in a work out dvd.  Hit the gym.  There's something to be said about sweat and those natural mood-boosters smart people call endorphins.

5. Breathe.
      Just the sound of your own breath is cathartic and healing.  It's constant, it's controllable.  Yes, it sucks to have a bad day.  Yes, it sucks to be stressed out.  Yes, it sucks when things don't go your way, especially if it looked like it was going to happen for you.  But you can still breathe.  In 10 minutes, you can still breathe.  At the end of this crappy day, or this rough trial, or this terrible time, you're still breathing, and God still loves you.  Take comfort in that with a nice long, slow, deep, life-giving breath.

My day wasn't instantly better.  Things didn't automatically start going my way.  But utilizing these tools that I hadn't yet realized were constantly at my disposal gave me ownership of both my attitude and my actions concerning my attitude.  Particularly when I was reminded of the bigger picture, and how my bad mood was just playing into the devil's hand.

I didn't have to remain negative, I didn't have to bring other people down with my annoyance or frustration.  My behavior did NOT have to depend on how I felt.  I could take steps to remind myself of TRUTH which is, at the end of the day, what we lean on.  Not how we feel.  Which includes our bad moods.

Priorities

Last night we had 707, the youth service for my church.  I'm obviously not "youth" anymore, but I'm a coach there and I go to build relationships, encourage, love, and build the kingdom of God.

Last night the service was about what kind of legacy you are going to leave when you die.  I'd heard this information before, having taught this in my small group a week prior.  But somehow things hit home a lot harder than I was prepared for.

The focus was less the legacy your parents left you and what you wanted to leave your children, and more what you were going to do with your life here that would continue impacting when you were gone.

We did this exercise on priorities- we were each given 5 tiny slips of paper on which to write our top 5 priorities.  Not just any, but the TOPS.  In no particular order I wrote my relationship with Christ/ministry, my physical health, success in whatever I end up doing, my relationship with friends/family, and being pursued/married, because I desire so deeply to have a ministry with my husband, to affect change in the world for the Lord with my husband.  When I had finished writing my priorities, I felt pretty good with myself.  Five priorities.  Easily managed. And good ones, too! Important ones.

But then Pastor Todd asked us to take a good long look at our priorities, and throw one away.  We didn't have time for all 5, so which one would we get rid of first?

Looking through my slips of paper, it was easy enough to toss the "being successful at whatever I do" first.  My idea of success and God's idea of success are perhaps and probably two very different things, and as long as I am doing His work and the things He has called me to do, it doesn't matter if I see success.  Sometimes we're just called to sow but not reap. That's ok.

Wow.  4 priorities.  All super important.  Maybe he's done asking us to toss them away... Nope. You don't have time for all 4 priorities.  Get rid of another.  Ooh. Which one?? These are all really important!!  Taking a good, hard, long look, I finally toss away "physical health" because I'm thinking relationships are more important than anything else.  I immediately regret this decision. What was I thinking? How important are relationships when your body is failing you because you haven't taken care of it? What's going to happen to those relationships when you die early from heart disease or adult-onset diabetes or some form of cancer that could have been prevented by a healthy diet and exercise? I ask if I can take my choice back...nope, can't. Sorry.  Drat.

So, as I'm sure you know it's coming, Pastor Todd asks us to drop one more priority. I'm down to 3, which I think is enough to handle, but apparently it's not. Relationship with Christ/ministry, relationships with friends/family, and being pursued/married.  I know I'm not about to toss Christ, but how can I choose between my dearest friends and the family that has been with me since birth, and my deepest desire? I sit looking at them for a long, long time...and finally toss my marriage.  Relationships with friends and family is also a ministry, not that your relationship to your husband is not, but it's also not completely necessary.  You choose marriage, it's not a marriage-or-nothing kind of life.  You can make it through life without getting married.  It happens all the time, and people not only survive, but they thrive, making huge strides for Christ with all their free time and resources.  Not ideal, in my eyes, but absolutely possible, and if that's what I have to do in order to keep Christ #1 and Only One, then I can let go of my desires.

So I'm left with relationships with friends/family, and relationship with Christ & ministry.  As you guessed, PTodd asks us to toss one more, since we clearly only have time for one priority. This is by far the easiest decision for me.  I'm the first out of my seat and the first to the trash can to toss all my relationships, save one-  Christ, and my obedience to Him.  Nothing compares to this.  Up to this point I was really struggling with which to let go of, but it turns out it doesn't matter what goes first or last.  Only one thing remains: Christ.  All else is unnecessary, just blessings...icing on the cake.  I hold on to this last slip of paper as a reminder of how easy it is to remember what truly matters, what truly remains.  My relationship with Christ, and what He is calling me to do in this life, away from Him for a short while.  I reside on earth, He's waiting for me in heaven. I'm not saying He isn't with me wherever I go and whatever I do.  But this is a temporary place, and it fades in the blink of an eye.  I would love to be remembered for loving anyone and everyone more deeply than anyone else.  But if that love does not point to Christ, what good is it? I would love to be remembered for caring for and caring about anyone and everyone I cross paths with, but if that encouragement, compassion, and hospitality doesn't point to Christ, what does it matter?  I can focus my efforts and my energy on making sure people remember ME, or I can focus my efforts and energy on making sure people know and remember CHRIST.

This was a really emotional service for me.  It hit me really deeply.  I've been struggling more lately with my priorities and where my attention should be spent.  My devotions have all been about this same idea, which is not in any way coincidental- I needed the reminder.  "Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you."  Of course I would love to be successful in my ministry, in my relationships, in my family.  Of course my physical health is really important to me, and I can't imagine living without yoga, dance, soccer, running... Of course, my relationships to my friends and family are SO important, and worthy of time and energy.  Of COURSE I desire so deeply to be pursued by the man of my dreams, a man I can minister with, a man I can build the kingdom of God with.  ...But if none of these things are added to me, I still have Christ.

And that's enough.