Andi's Server Soap Box Vol. 8

To every person who thinks a restaurant is a drive-thru:

If you want fast food, go to a fast food joint, a diner, or even stay in your car and run through a drive-thru. Or go to the grocery and make food at home for yourself.  If you are in a rush, if you have to get somewhere quickly, it's probably not the best idea to go to a sit-down restaurant, particularly on a weekend night when the rest of the city is at the same restaurant. I'm sorry if your movie starts in 20 minutes, or if you have a doctor's visit in half an hour, but most restaurants (particularly of the fine-dining variety) do not offer 20-minute dining sessions. 

The solution: you should show up to a restaurant at least an hour and a half prior to any obligations you might have, and if it's a weekend (day OR night) it would be best to call ahead for reservations or, if no reservations are accepted, call ahead to find out if there is a wait. That'll give you a much better idea of what time to show up in order to get wherever you need to go whenever you need to get there. Or, you can simply not go to a sit-down restaurant before you HAVE to be somewhere. That way- you won't be stressed out, your server won't be stressed out, and no one will get mad or sad.  Sounds like a great plan to me!

This rant is based on past personal experience and/or past experience of other servers in various restaurants. If you think this is about you, you should remember that any resemblance or similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. And you should also probably take a good, long look in the mirror before you go out to eat again. 

Just in case.

Andi's Server Soap Box Vol. 7

To the person who walks in on his/her cellphone and continues talking/ignoring the server as the server approaches for a greet/order, etc...

Did you want service? Did you want to order? GET OFF YOUR PHONE BECAUSE THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END WON'T BE BRINGING YOUR FOOD.

This rant is based on past personal experience and/or past experience of other servers in various restaurants. If you think this is about you, you should remember that any resemblance or similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. And you should also probably take a good, long look in the mirror before you go out to eat again. 

Just in case.

Andi's Server Soap Box Vol. 6

To the table who fights over who's going to pay the check:

We don't care! It is not our responsibility to make the ultimate decision about who's going to pay the check. It is awkward, uncomfortable, and rude. We aren't going to fight with you...or for you. When we drop the check off and four pairs of hands reach for it, accompanied by a chorus of "IIII got it" or "It's miiiiine," servers cringe as if you've just dropped your recently-presented steaming-hot plate of well-done steak and lobster (which takes twenty minutes at LEAST to re-cook). It's just AWFUL. Especially when your friends get up from the table one by one, track us down at other tables, and attempt to persuade us that THEY are the one who gets the check.  OR if you (while at the table surrounded by all your friends) say something akin to, "If you don't give me the check, you ain't gittin' paid." That's the best.  So...if we don't give YOU the check, the bill is not getting paid? Or is it just me that isn't getting paid? Because either result ends poorly for us.

The solution: Decide amongst yourselves, before your server arrives, who will be paying. It really helps us not want to run away from your table, crying. Which is one of the goals of serving.

This rant is based on past personal experience and/or past experience of other servers in various restaurants. If you think this is about you, you should remember that any resemblance or similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. And you should also probably take a good, long look in the mirror before you go out to eat again. 

Just in case.

Andi's Server Soap Box Vol. 5

To anyone, for that matter, who stiffs a server for any reason other than not having one:

You have no idea what you're doing, or how it makes a server feel to literally wait hand and foot on you, only to be stiffed. Are you forgetting that your server is a human being?? Fully capable of having a life and all sorts of normal, everyday human feelings. You have come into his workplace and SPAT in his face. You have basically said, with your neglecting a tip (or perhaps your intentional lack of tipping), that he is dirt, that he is worthless, and that you could care less about whether or not you completely dissolve his entire concept of self-worth.  I'm sure you don't really care, or never really think about the affects of not tipping, but I guarantee you your server does. Nothing takes the wind out of your sails the way seeing $0 on the tip line after spending an hour of your life catering to every need and whim of the next faceless garbage disposal at your table. Which, of course, is not how we see you.

Seriously if you can't, or won't, tip your server, don't go into a place that requires someone to SERVE YOU. Unless you're super-cool with modern-day slavery, of course. Ya jerk.

This rant is based on past personal experience and/or past experience of other servers in various restaurants. If you think this is about you, you should remember that any resemblance or similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. And you should also probably take a good, long look in the mirror before you go out to eat again. 

Just in case.

Andi's Server Soap Box Vol. 4

To the welfare family who spends $100 on dinner at the beginning of every month, only to not have enough to tip your server:

I understand that getting a check in the mail can create excitement. It's money you didn't have before- it's almost like Christmas! I understand- you want to celebrate. But when you go to a sit-down restaurant and take up space and time from a server who is probably just as poor as you are, and then not tip them (because you "can't afford it"), it's not only rude and hurtful, it's stealing. It's basically the equivalent of indentured servitude. Servers work for a ridiculously small wage (in many cases as low as $2 an hour), and we live solely based on tips (as ol' Uncle Sam gets all our "paycheck").

Your coming in to make us wait on you without paying us literally is slavery. We HAVE to wait on you while you sit at our table, and if you choose not to tip us, then we DON'T pay our bills. There's nothing we can do about it.

Solution? Maybe... if you are on welfare and you really depend on that monthly check....just maybe, you don't go out to a sit down restaurant like clockwork, spend all the "extra" money you have on that celebratory meal, and then stiff your server. If you don't have enough money left over to pay a server for their work, don't spend as much. OR go to a fast food joint that sells similarly tasting food and enjoy a server-free environment. Good luck!

This rant is based on past personal experience and/or past experience of other servers in various restaurants. If you think this is about you, you should remember that any resemblance or similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. And you should also probably take a good, long look in the mirror before you go out to eat again. 

Just in case.

Andi's Server Soap Box Vol. 3

To the parents who allow their toddler to turn bread/macaroni/mashed potatoes/crayons/etc... into their own personal, nuclear playground:

Do you know how difficult it is to get mashed potatoes out of CARPET? Of course you don't, you feed your child in the kitchen or dining room which, luckily, has linoleum in it, or wood, or...NOT carpet. Do you know how LONG it takes to rake bread crumbs up from said carpet? A stinking loooooong time. Not only do you allow your child to create world war 3 with his or her food, but you also allow them to color on the table with the crayons we provide (we also provide paper for coloring on), and you allow them to place stickers on the edge of the table that then have to be scraped off with the equivalent of a paint scraper (for reals, though).

On top of this, you don't tip your server NEARLY enough to clean up after your atomic child. Seriously- shame on you! I would bet a lot of money you don't let your house look like that. If you don't allow your child to get cray cray in your own home, why do you allow such misbehavior at a restaurant? It's senseless. And rude, also. And senseless.

The solution? Keep your child in check, or tip your server extra to clean up all that mess.  It genuinely makes servers want to quit their jobs when they see a family come in with a young child that will inevitably make the biggest mess on the planet. Seriously, the Cuban Missile Crisis is less terrifying to a server facing cleaning up after a toddler.

And thank you for your patronage.

This rant is based on past personal experience and/or past experience of other servers in various restaurants. If you think this is about you, you should remember that any resemblance or similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. And you should also probably take a good, long look in the mirror before you go out to eat again. 

Just in case.

Andi's Server Soap Box Vol. 2

To the lady who thinks she's the only guest in the restaurant:

Boy, do we have news for you. Most restaurants give a specific number of tables to each server and it is ALWAYS more than one. We realize that sometimes you're in a rush, sometimes you're starving to death (give my regards to the orphans in Somalia), and always people are at their worst when they're hungry. However, you are not our only focus. We have other tables that are seated with other guests, all of whom have needs just as important as yours. We also have side work that is constantly needing to be updated. You want extra ice in that sweet tea? Where do you think we get that from? Because that ice machine is NOT in the front of the restaurant. For that matter, you want more sweet tea? Living in Kentucky, so does everyone else in this state. Think we have an extra crewmember whose only job is to make sweet tea? Nope. That's a server responsibility. Want a fresh salad with that meal? That's made by your server. All while dressing and walking food, re-filling drinks and bread baskets, pre-bussing dirty plates off your table (so you can have room for new plates of food), and bussing and cleaning other tables so more guests can come in and demand attention.

Solution? Have some patience with us. Sometimes there isn't a bartender working, sometimes a manager is busy and can't take that cup of soup (that you decided didn't taste good enough) off of your check, sometimes we are just overwhelmed with the 15 guests we are currently running around taking care of. We promise we're not ignoring you. 999,999,999,998 out of 999,999,999,999 times we are simply very, very, very busy and don't have time to take care of ONLY YOU. Patience would be much appreciated, and will result in a more relaxed server who is much better prepared to take care of you, and grateful for your patience, to boot.

This rant is based on past personal experience and/or past experience of other servers in various restaurants. If you think this is about you, you should remember that any resemblance or similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. And you should also probably take a good, long look in the mirror before you go out to eat again. 

Just in case.