Today Was...

Just... wow.

I started the day with a seriously low tire on my car. Instead of fixing it, I ignored it in order to get to work on time. Did I remember to fix it after work? Nope. Completely forgot. And as I'm sitting on my couch, staring out the front door in the general direction of my car, I am currently remembering I need to get that fixed. Enter Bucket List Item #87.

While I'm cleaning the dining room before we open, as I was trying to listen to my youversion Bible Plan scriptures for the day, I take my phone out of my pocket and promptly DROP IT. This makes screen break #2. Yech.

 

I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart.

I then proceed to walk into the alley at work and basically throw a glass on the floor. Okay, I didn't actually throw the glass on the floor, I just dropped it really, really hard. On the floor. Accidentally.

 

I mean, we didn't really need this one, right?

I then have all of THREE tables before I am cut from work. So I make TEN CENTS at work and then come home to blog before my Monday night yoga class.

 

This is all I needed for rent, right? Wait a minute- 

this isn't even AMERICAN change!

Thinking back on the last five hours of my life....and then relating that to the last 25 years of my life... I think it's been a really great day! I am getting to the point in my life when things like this don't affect me, because they don't matter.  A broken glass is just that- a broken glass.  And working in a restaurant- there are literally 5 billion other glasses just waiting for their turn to replace that one. A broken phone....sucks...but it's just a broken phone. I know I'll get it fixed or replaced...so no big deal. My flat tire will be aired up again, and my lack of monies will end up just fine, because God has my back and He's proven Himself faithful again and again and again.

Why was this such an important day for me to experience? Because I needed to know that at the end of the day, all this stuff, all the crazy things that happen, all the negative drama that goes down....it's just stuff.  People's lives are at stake in the bigger picture.  Do I spend my time stressed about money and materials, or do I spend my time focused on loving people, speaking words of life and healing, and pointing them to Jesus? That's the big question at the end of the day. And I need to take that far more seriously than I do.  I'm so grateful that all these things happened this morning- being aware that there IS a bigger picture out there is the most important step toward actually seeing it.  And I want to see the bigger picture, not just my own little snapshot of time.

 

NOT me today!

'The Lucky One' Revelations

Some of my girl friends and I just went to see 'The Lucky One,' the story of a Marine who finds a picture, and it saves his life.  Starring Zac Efron, it was already sure to be a romance fest, but little did I know what I was getting myself into...and how the Lord would use a Hollywood love flick to reveal some really important truths to me.

Romance movies, even the comedic kind, are really like porn for girls.  Really, they are.  They create this semi- to completely- unrealistic scenario of an unbelievably good-looking, kind-hearted, and gentle man, who somehow needs saving and is totally willing to change...for the right girl. Enter a beautiful, self-assured, unassuming, girl-next-door-type who also needs a little bit of saving, and a giant dose of vulnerability only accessible through this man's constant and consistent pursuing of her. Add to that some sort of high-drama accident/occurrence/memory, and you have every woman's fantasy- a handsome, gifted, un-needy man coming to rescue you from life's tragedies, no matter what you say or do, set to the background music of 'let's find ourselves.'  That's a lot to handle.  Especially when you're with a boy.  (Let me add a tiny disclaimer for just a moment: the following statements are not meant to be forced onto anyone- these are simply truths that MY heart needs to follow.)

I absolutely don't need to go see movies like this on a date, EVER. Until, that is, I am married and sitting next to my husband. I'm really balancing precariously on the edge of not going to see these movies at all- my single heart needs more protection than I am currently offering it, and going to see movies that make me wistful and desirous of a man with his arms around me, holding me while I cry is not very healthy.  So I believe this is a new boundary for me.  I won't be going on dates to see romantic movies. Period. The end.  Being a woman, and an emotional one at that, I am far too affected emotionally (and hormonally) to be fully aware and in control of my actions.  Seeing a romantic movie is somewhat akin to being drunk, I'm sure... you can only be partly held responsible for your actions- because something is DIRECTLY affecting your mood and, in this case, your hormones.

Something else the Lord impressed upon me during the watching of this movie is that I AM WORTH IT.  No more chasing boys I'm attracted to, or spending time daydreaming about what things could be like, if... Oh, no. I'm not going to waste any more of my precious time thinking about a boy who isn't thinking about me, or pursuing me, or chasing down my dreams. I have far too many important things that I need to be focusing on, rather than on some imaginary what if.  This ends today.  My husband is out there somewhere, and I will not waste my time daydreaming or fantasizing about a man who ISN'T HIM.

Along with that, I have finally started to grasp my own self-worth. Genuinely. I am worth someone putting in effort for. I don't have to say 'yes' to any boy who dregs up the courage to ask me out. I can wait for someone I esteem, for someone I am attracted to, or interested in. Why? Because he's out there.  And perhaps he is waiting on me, too. Either way, and most especially if he's not out there at all (which is also okay), it doesn't matter.  Because I am worth it. I'm pretty, I'm funny, I'm intelligent, I'm talented, and what little common sense I have is made up for with enthusiasm and a desire to learn from my mistakes. I trust my Jesus with everything in me, and am running after Him, and that in itself is enough to prove that I am worth it. And there's nothing wrong with esteeming or encouraging yourself every now and then. People tell you to speak truth and life about yourself...and it is necessary.

Lastly, and most importantly....I'm going to be just fine. I am.  It's gonna be okay. Truly.  How do I know? Because I serve a God who has already won the battle. Already. It's already fine.  All I have to do when I get knocked down, is keep getting back up. Knocked down by hurts, by setbacks, by loneliness...whatever. Just keep getting back up. Because at the end of the day, God has already won this fight and He's in my corner.  And that's it.  I'm going to be fine.  It's going to be all right.  Praise the Lord.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  -Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  -Romans 8:28

Missions?

As I continue to grow closer to my sweet Savior, as I continue to grow in maturity and confidence, as I continue to grow closer to letting go of all the baggage that has been weighing me down for years and years....I can't help but feel as though my time in Richmond is almost over.

I'm 27 years old, and incredibly single. I have so much free time and energy to give to the Lord and the ministry He is calling me to. I can't stop feeling like a college student, because this is the town I moved to for college and 9 years later I'm still here. Albeit, doing work that God has for me...which also includes spending 90% of my free time with high school and college students.

Maybe that's unfair...but maybe there is a bit of truth in the scripture where Jesus says "no prophet is accepted in his own town." (Luke 4:24). Perhaps that's also taken a bit out of context, as Jesus was speaking of the place where He grew up- a place people couldn't stop thinking of Him as a little boy, under His parents' authority.  But what if there's a flip side to that? What if it's not only in what other people think- what if there is power in what you think of yourself? I still feel like a college kid, because I still live in a college town. In MY college's town. And I work as a waitress in a restaurant. That's not even a Big Girl Job.

I've known for years and years that God is calling me to full-time ministry. Praise Him, I've accepted that calling. Praise Him, He has opened door after door after door for me to do His work.  But I still feel I'm not fulling realizing His calling, that perhaps I'm not taking responsibility for running full-out after Him. I still feel that I'm meant to live greater than this.

I want to go into youth ministry, with an emphasis on girls' ministry. That's my heart. I love high school students.  But I also want to do mission work. And how can I encourage my students to go overseas when I never had the courage or the motivation to seek that for myself? Perhaps God is calling me to overseas missions for awhile? Or, if not a calling, He is testing me to see how far I will go for Him...

I grew up under the mindset that if God did not specifically call you to a place, you didn't go. But what about all those stories in scripture where people said, "Here I am, God! Send me!" What about all those willing hearts and desirous souls that just wanted to do things for the Lord? That's me! I don't have a specific place or people group in mind or heart, but I have a desire to go and be of use to the Lord, whenever and wherever that might be. I want to go to third world countries, and love on people. Be reminded of just how much junk I really do own. Show people that they are important and necessary and special. Please, before you think anything, know that I understand I have that ability any- and everywhere I go. I do get that. But I also have a desire TO GO. I'm not this single for no reason. I have the opportunity to GO for the Lord right now that I may never have again, and I need to take advantage of the freedom He allows for me today.

Having said that, I have begun the process of applying for short-term international missions trips. I am planning to, prayerfully, knock on every door within my reach and whichever one opens, after much prayer and supplication, I will walk boldly through it.

These are the organizations I have already applied for/am in the process of applying for:
Team, INC
Christ in the City, International
World Race

I have sent inquiries and applications out for several different needs in several different areas of the world. I'm waiting patiently and eagerly for the Lord to reveal to me where I am going. I know I am going. I'm just waiting on the "where."

If you would join me in prayer for these things, I would be very grateful. I am in prayer for you, too, even if we have yet to meet....knowing that God has great things in store for YOU, as well.  I pray He lays burdens on your heart for His children, and that those burdens lead you to pursue His heart and His will passionately, for the glory and increase of His Kingdom. This is a year of blessing and power, and He's asking us to prepare. May we be ready, willing, and enthusiastic when He calls us to GO.

Future Home Necessities...kinda

Most girls grow up dreaming of and planning for their wedding.  Not this girl! I really didn't.  It's a nice thought, now that I'm of a marry-able age, but it's still not something that overwhelms my daydreaming time. What does fill my daydreaming, you ask? My future home!

I spent a lot of my childhood moving around, living with my grandmother, living in dorms, living in college-age apartment complexes (i.e. disgusting, dirty, ill-maintained party centrals). When I think of my future, I dream of my husband and our kids, biological, adopted, and foster. I'd like to leave a legacy of love on this planet, and I want to do that through taking care of my children, and the neighborhood children who need a meal (it happened where we lived growing up), and my kids' friends...and just everyone I can. Wanting to continue in full-time ministry to high school students. I want to live in a home big enough to welcome them in, and have meals and game nights and movie nights and cookouts. All kinds of dreams.  But as I dream these things, a physical idea forms as well.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and we just started listing off things we'd like included in our future homes.  I thought I'd write mine down. In case God sees fit to bless me with them, I can remember to thank Him for answered prayer!

(Bear in mind these are not needs, simply wants, and that my calling from the Lord supersedes any and all desires I might have for a house. For instance, if the Lord calls me to overseas missions? Bye, house! See ya later!  Ministry comes first).

The Perfect House:
*Two story
*Brick
*Back deck, wrapping around much of the back of the house, preferably overlooking lots of greenery.
*Grill for the back deck
*Table and chairs for the back deck
*Adirondack furniture for the back deck
*Hammock for the back deck (double- or triple-wide, so Hubby can sit with me)
*Front porch with lots of seating, some tables, and tons of candles
*Outdoor ceiling fans over the front porch
*Japanese tea lanterns hanging from ceiling over porch
*Trees all over the stinking place
*Hardwood flooring everywhere, except the bedrooms, where there should be plush carpeting
*A tall, large island in the kitchen where my kids can do their homework while I cook them dinner
*A large dining table where everyone can sit together
*Vaulted ceilings in the living room, with an overlook into the living room from the second floor
*Huge windows everywhere, and at least one window bench (a cushy one) where you can sit to read
*Color on all the walls (really, anything but white....or tan...or any form of either)
*Bunk beds in one room for my kids to share <3
*A fireplace
*A fenced in back-yard (black wood, not chain-link), for dogs and kids to play safely in.
*No fence in the front yard- be welcomed!
*A garage
*If I'm reeeallly dreaming: a studio room to do yoga, dance, and martial arts in- safe, smooth wooden floors (heated), floor-to-ceiling mirrors, and lots of open space

                                                 (hey, a girl can dream, right?)




More to come later, if only to daydream!

Old Testament Nuggets, Vol. 1

 Numbers and Deuteronomy Truths 

I've been in the process of reading the entire bible in 365 days. Let me tell you, it's been somewhat of a trial. When I was in Leviticus, I ignored my reading for almost a month- it was just overwhelming- very dry, very draining. But I finally made it out, and then on through Numbers (which I actually really enjoyed), and now I'm cruising through Deuteronomy, which I also really enjoy, as a matter of fact.

As I'm reading things I've never read before (who chooses to spend time in the ooollllld Old Testament??), I'm learning an incredible amount of truths! Truths that have really come alive for me recently. So I thought I'd share some of the things God has been revealing to me:

1. Numbers 11:4-6
I am SO like the Israelites- give me good, or rest, or peace, or even just ordinary for a short while, and I become restless and start finding things to complain about.

2. Numbers 11:10-15
Moses being incredibly upfront and honest with God. I should learn from this. My prayers can be flowery or too wordy. I shouldn't be afraid to be honest with God. I shouldn't be afraid to tell Him how I really feel- verses 16 and 17 show me that God listens to what I have to say, and answers me, making a way where I thought there was none.

3. Numbers 21:6-9
The Lord punished the sin.
The people repented.
The Lord allowed temporary pain to continue (i.e. the snakes didn't disappear, or stop biting), but...
The Lord took away the permanent consequences (i.e. He made a way for them to live after having been bitten).

4. Numbers 23:12
This has become one of my favorite chapters in the OT. It's really full of truth and encouragement. This verse in particular really spoke to me: "Must I not speak what the Lord has put in my mouth?" When the Lord reveals something to me, do I hide it? Do i ignore it? Or do I speak it with boldness and compassion? It goes hand-in-hand with verse 26, "Did I not tell you I must do whatever the Lord says?" It's not just about the things you say, but about your actions. Your follow-throughs. If we are imitators of God, then we imitate both His promise and His follow-through, as seen in the next truth:

5. Numbers 23:19-20
When God says something, He means it. His promises are always fulfilled. But so are His warnings.

6. Deuteronomy 1:29-31
God carries us around like a father carries his children! What a beautiful thought, particularly for those of us who grew up without a father or even a father figure, or who grew up around a dad who was absent, abusive, or apathetic.

7. Deuteronomy 1:41-42
God asked the Israelites to do something and they refused. When He took away their inheritance (blessing), they freaked out and tried to hurry up and do what He had originally asked them to do. We learn:
a. There can be a time limit for blessings and promises if we refuse to obey God.
b. There are consequences to our disobeying (or even just not obeying) God.
He could have let them try, but He didn't. He knew the disastrous outcome for their behavior and warned them against it. Not because He wanted to say, "I told you so," but because He loved them and wanted to keep them safe, even after their disobedience.

8. Deut. 2:1-23
The Lord gave specific instruction to the Israelites as they went, to protect both them AND the people God had already promised things to (inheritance). He doesn't forget His promises, ever.

9. Deut. 8:5
God not only carries us as a father carries his son (Deut. 1:31), but He also disciplines us as a father does his son. This is necessary, and although it might hurt for the moment, it's important for our growth as His children. If we don't have limits and boundaries, we don't learn what is good and safe and healthy, and what is not. Just as in our relationships to our earthly parents (or children).

10. Deut. 10:12-22
A really powerful passage about the need to love and fear God, and His love for us, not in return, but firstly. He has already done the work. All we have to do is acknowledge it, remember it, and love Him.

11. Deut. 10:14-15
This is my favorite part of the above passage. Everything belongs to God, but He chose us, and loves us. Wow.

12. Deut. 11:16
"Be careful, or..." We must never let our guard down, even in the land of promise.

These are just my own personal musings, and the things I feel the Lord is speaking to my heart as I read through His Word. He might be telling you something different for your own personal walk with Him, or pointing out other passages that are specific to you today. Just listen to Him- He knows best and will walk with you until you get it right. And by that time, we'll be walking next to Him in Eternity, praise the Lord!

Resolution March: What?!?!

I really thought I had this month figured out. I really thought I had a decent handle on things. Really, I did!  I was going to focus this month on eating clean, healthy, and good.  Wherever I went, I would make the healthiest choice possible.  This wasn't going to be a bunch of unrealistic limitations or boundaries, simply a chance to DECIDE to MAKE healthy CHOICES.  See? All within my grasp, even with as much as I adore sugar and carbs.

Then my sickness melted in from February. How do I eat healthy when all I want to do is be in bed?  Then a group of my friends and I helped my mom unload all her possessions from a uhaul into her new apartment, and she bought everyone pizza.  How do you get people to feel comfortable enough to just grab some pizza offered from a woman they just met, in an apartment they've never been to before?  You eat some first.  Then the youth group I work with had a pancake party.  How do you build relationships at a pancake party? You eat the dang pancakes. 

Needless to say............this month has not started well.  I met with my discipleship leader, Natalie, a few days ago, and it was the first chance in several weeks that we'd had to meet, due to her family being sick, and then my own sickness.  It was a really incredible time of discipleship, prayer, and refocusing. The main theme I got from this meeting was that it's very apparent that this month is not meant for food or physical health.  This month is meant for the Lord, and my relationship with Him.

I have been having a drought of sorts in my relationship with the Lord.  I've been struggling to get through Leviticus (in my bible-in-a-year plan) and my prayer life has also been really affected lately. I haven't felt the motivation to be with the Lord, and therefore I stopped actively seeking Him. My bible reading stopped, and my prayer life started drying up.  Storms? Storms I can handle.  Mountains, valleys....all the ups and downs that come with Life.  But drought?? The drying up of your emotions, of your experiences, of your soul, THAT is a struggle for me. THAT is what makes me hole up in a shed and hide somewhere.  THAT is what robs me of my intimacy with the Lord.

And since I have not yet addressed my relationship with the Lord, either in my monthly resolutions, or in my life in general, this month has become a month of the Lord.  They say that March is the best month for cleansing, be it physical, material, or spiritual.  And this is my spiritual cleansing month. I need to get rid of all my idols, anything and everything that takes my focus first before the Lord, and get back to the heart of Us.  Meaning my scripture reading and meditation returns, I actively sit and wait upon the Lord- to speak, to move, to show Himself to me.  If I truly believe in Him, and believe Him, I'll start acting like it.  And that begins today.  One step at a time.  He's just waiting for me to slow down and let Him in.

So bring it on, Lord.  I'm finally ready.  Bring it!

Resolution February: Conclusion

I started out this month REALLY great. I was working out every single day, sometimes 2-3 different workouts a day. My body felt great, my energy was up, I could really see some muscle tone improvement.

Then.......I got sick. I was sick for the last 2 weeks of February, and I didn't work out ONE TIME. I'm still struggling to get my voice, health, and energy back. So I won't be working out til that happens.

I do feel that, even though I didn't finish an entire month of exercise, the month was a success.  I realized how good it felt to really take care of my body, and how much healthier I felt, in general.  As soon as I kick this sickness, I'll hop back on the bandwagon and see if I can't reach my goal weight before May.  Here we go!